Pediatricians: are you listening? (part two)

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This following is a repost from last July.

I was reminded of it after I brought the Tornado to her four year check-up with a *new* pediatrician.

Suffice it to say there was nary a mention of her size beyond compliments on how big and STRONG she’d become.

The doctor even asked her to stand on one foot which allowed the Tornado to display her tree-pose prowess (something which delighted her to no end).

Our previous doctor visit had not been so delightful.

**commence MizFitFlashback**

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I feel the need to preface this post with the fact that I’m a pretty damn mellow mother.

I’m the one in the family who will potentially let something go TOO LONG (oops & hello double ear infection!) because I’m laid back & not a rushquicktothephysician-type.

I dont even have a preferred pediatrician in our rather large practice because we’ve been blessed not to have a special needs child & Im quite confident *any* pediatrician in the group can address a need our daughter might have.

And then there was yesterday.

And then there was one pediatrician I’ll be damn sure never to see again.

After a fun & fantastic time at the BlogHer conference (including lots of time spent talking body image on and off panel) I returned home to a daughter with a double ear/sinus infection.

I did my typical call to the practice (agreeing to see anyone) & fortunately got an appointment the next morning.

We waited.

We were called back.

She was weighed and measured.

The doctor came, diagnosed & it was time to write the ’script.

“WAIT.” The doctor said & did that ‘movie double take’ while reading his clipboard.  “How old is she?!“

“Three and a half.”  I answered having no clue where he was headed.

“Oh wow. She weighs what now? Huh. WOW.  Ok. Well I guess she can have a lot more medicine then.”

(long pause as my daughter and I stare at him & his double-take engendering clipboard)

“She’s really big now. Really big.”

(There’s no note needed on a blog which addresses body image, but I shall add one anyway.   This wasnt “she’s really big” like it was a good thing & she’s bound to be the next!big!supermodel.  This was a she’s really big said with…not so much disdain but lets say sans-admiration.)

I watched my daughter’s face as the doctor made the last comment and it was clear–while she might not have entirely understood what he meant—–she, too, knew it wasnt a compliment.

“She’s three and a half,” I said. “She’s not deaf.”

Later, when we were at the pharmacy picking up her meds, I snatched her in my arms and hoisted her onto my hip.

“Im heavy.”  She said.  “Im very heavy.”

“You’re strong,” I responded.  “You have bigbiggrande muscles just like yer mama.”  (this is a running joke between the two of us.)

I’ll never know if the pediatrician’s comment sparked her IM HEAVY remark later.

All I know is she’d never made a statement remotely like that before and, I hope, never will again.

Which all leads me back to the question at the beginning:

PEDIATRICIANS, are you listening to the potentially harmful words which are coming from your mouths?

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Comments

  1. I can totally relate. On ALL of it. We don’t have an established ped here because my kids are basically healthy. Ours back home was SO kind, and he really ‘got it’, and the kids (and I) loved going there because he’d always tell us what a good job we’re doing. He’d see bruises on my son’s leg and talk about him doing a good job being a boy out playing hard in the yard. He’d go through the milestones with my baby daughter and tell her what a good job she was doing being 6 months old. He’d tell me I was doing a good job being their mom.

    Even when I let things go until it was a double ear and sinus infection. Because I’m just kind of laid back that way.

    Tough to replace in a new town.

  2. I don’t have children yet—-but as Im sure you know it isn’t just the pediatricians who need to get a clue.

    sigh.

  3. I love that shirt on her.

    I had a similar experience with my not over weight son at around the same age and on ly wish I would have said what you did to the physician (the deaf part LOL).

    She’s lucky to have you as an advocate, Miz.

  4. I don’t know. But I work in a large pediatric practice may just have to print this blog post and post it on the bulletin for all to see.

    The Tornado has the most adorable pinchable cheeks ever!

  5. Oh, wow! I don’t remember the first post…but I can’t believe that a pediatrician of all people would say that. To see the correlation between a 3 1/2 year old and the comment, I shudder to think what would happen if a 13 1/2 year old heard something similar.

    Glad to hear the 4yo appointment went well!

  6. Thanks for the flashback as I had missed this post, too.

    I love that you have made being BIG about being big and STRONG.

    Are you teaching the TOGA yet?

  7. LOVE my early morning People!
    Im off to meditate and embrace the semi-silence of the wee hour—-but wanted to add this was a guest post somewhere else and not posted here before.

    I also love the word ADVOCATE, Carrie.
    I think we all need to be that for our children *and* everyone we love.

    off to OM.

  10. This post makes me angry…

    If the doctor was concerned about her weight then he should have just addressed the issue instead of saying those things.

    I’ve made it a goal in my life to teach my daughter good healthy habits (she’s 13 months) so she doesn’t have to deal with what I did in school. I had the worst self esteem and am still struggling with my weight. Which is why I read fitness blogs like yours…

    I would have definitely called to complain… and I’m a laid back mama too.

  11. ugh- this makes me want to strangle that doctor for you. What a great experience to start the week off with. Hope she gets better and forgets every word that dumb dr ever said.

    On a side note, you MUST get to a TJs! I wish we had one in Charleston, they are so fabulous. Great, cheaper products everywhere.

  12. My daughter is 15 and I am still her advocate at the doctors office.

    I am emailing this to a friend who is a pediatrician to see if he will share with his practice.

    Thanks for being you, Miz.

  14. Oh my heart breaks for her! Thankfully, she has you for a mama, and you were able to help her through it. AND get her a different pediatrician.

    I’ve got my fingers crossed for sxsw this year (hotel reservation made), and we may just have to go have an “intervention” with this other pediatrican. Yeah, that’s what we’ll call it: an intervention. 🙂

  15. Not that it really matters but I have been in a similar position with an overwieght doctor making the comment.

    ironic.

  16. I had a similar experience with my 10 yo daughter a few months back…completely enraged me, then they brought in my weight issues…My daughter went home and was depressed for over a week, then seem to start obsessing about what she would eat and was exercising like crazy…like 4 or 5 hours a day.

    We had several heart to hearts, but I still watch her and am open to the fact I will not “diet” but eat healthy and nourish my body with what it needs…I exercise because it helps us be healthy, have really toned the weight loss(mine) down for her.

    I have since called my pediatricians office and told them I will never see this Dr again and should they schedule me with him I will not only leave their office but tell everyone I know and blog it forever how awful their office is…I was REALLY mad…now dealing with potential self esteem issues that were NOT there prior to this stupid man saying unnecessary things!

  17. This reminds me of a story about my niece. She’s always been on the larger size of the range, and when she was just a baby, not even walking yet, she was a cute chubby little butterball. Her name is Ella. Her grandfather started calling her Ellaphant. Then other people at church started calling her that and commenting on how big she was.

    My precious mother who avoids confrontation at all costs got mad. She laid it on them, telling them that there is no need to insult an infant’s weight. That those harmful words could cause her serious problems when she gets older. They stopped, and I was very proud of Mom.

    Just because children are small and don’t always comprehend everything we say doesn’t mean they don’t catch on to the meaning behind the words. People in authority positions, like doctors, should be extra careful about how they phrase what they say.

  18. This reminds me of when the nurse measured my five month old son and said “His head circumference is so small! Are you sure he’s not mentally retarded?”

    I complained to the doctor about that one! (The woman was a ninny in general and was fired a month later.)

    The new doc you saw sounds like a keeper.

  19. This just made me cry. My heart is aching to think that she understood all that and thought of herself as heavy after that encounter with such an insensitive doctor.

    I could talk to you for HOURS about experiences with sucky doctors. Little daughter was in the hospital for a long 3 months and we met LOTS of them.

    So glad you found one that is good for her and YOU!

  20. Mizfit, I couldn’t agree with you more, but I will expand on this a bit, GPs in general need to listen to this. I am blessed to have a great doctor, (see this post), but not all doctors are that way. A comment like this can kill the self-esteem of a perfectly healthy child as well as a perfectly healthy adult. People have no idea how much their words do.

  22. Can I smack that doctor?! I know when I was little I wasn’t the smallest kid and I can still remember when people made comments about my weight. It really does do damage….. you would think a pediatrician of all people would be a bit more clued in. Thank goodness Tornado has you for a mom, to stand up for her and to help make her realize she is perfect the way she is!

  24. I fail to understand why he would say something like that in the first place! I’ve seen enough pictures of the Tornado to know that she looks healthy, happy and energetic!

    Methinks that doctor has no comprehension of how lucky he is – it sounds as though the entire bumbling band (myself included) would lynch him if we weren’t scattered all across the globe!!

  25. looking back to pictures of myself as a child, I don’t see anyone who was overweight.

    sure, i was taller than most (I’ve leveled off at 5’6″) and perhaps my bone structure was a tad bigger than other kids my age, but I wasn’t fat/heavy/big whatever, and I think had my grandmother left my weight not be an issue, I wouldn’t be overweight now, nor dealing with constant food related issues.

    i love the steps you are taking to make sure the Tornado never feels that her body/weight are unacceptable!

  26. Miz, I remember your first post & I was so mad then! What a great follow up to that & just got to love the pic of Tornado in her shirt!!!! What an amazing kid AND mom!

  27. Ohmigosh wrong on so many levels!!!!!!!! This happened to me as a child, I was 4 and I never forgot it. My mom said once to me, “If you have even one scar on your body, you’ll never be a model.” After I got my first scar, I not only wrote off being a model, I wrote off being pretty. The start of my life-long body image issues. I don’t blame her, but sometimes people don’t realize what a profound impact their words can have on someone! At any point in their lives! I love that shirt and I love little Tornado and her confidence! I love that you will never see him again.

    it is amazing the powerful and lingering nature of mere words huh? *sigh*

  28. I’ve had my 8 yr old (then 7) cry over her weight. I hate that at that age they already have image issues. The last time Marie went to the doctors was for a physical and he did mention her being in the upper range for her weight and height but he played it low key and I don’t think she even noticed. I definitely think pediatricians need to be aware of what they say to parents and children. I’m glad you got a nicer more aware doctor this time. It’s amazing what a few words can do.

  29. yes! They can hear! And very well. I agree it’s not appropriate for a physician to comment like that in front of a child no matter how old he/she is!

  31. Yikes! Yeah doctors sometimes lack the tact they need when it comes to comments about things like this. I’ll tell you this when I was a kid and started putting on weight into my teens I heard a lot of stuff that made me feel really bad about myself. So much so that as I ventured out into the world on my own as an adult I went almost 10 years without going to the doctors. Probably needed to be though since I had a lot of obesity related health issues at the time. I spent a lot of time once I got healthier looking for a doctor and now I’m pleased to say I have found one that is great and if and when I have a family I will be taking my kids there as well.

  34. *shudders* you know, of all the posts that you’ve written, this was one of those ones that has stuck with me the most. As I re-read it today I realized that I remembered this post almost word-for-word.

    It’s funny- when people ask me if I’m studying health in class, I have to tell them that no, I do my own research, because I don’t trust most doctors. Maybe that’s partly BECAUSE my mother is a doctor- I realize how little doctors actually KNOW about health because they get too busy thinking about pharmaceuticals etc. I saw my mum make the change from handing out steroids to encouraging holistic approaches, and it’s for that reason that I take what most doctors say with a grain of salt.

    I’m really glad that the doctor’s visit this year was so much more satisfactory.

  35. So did you ever send Dr. Idiotic a letter? I remember that original post and you were wondering if you should send one or not. If you didn’t, I think you should send him this post, just so he can see how a THINKING doctor should talk to his patients (no matter their age).

  36. *smacks self in head*
    Totally forgot to add that I did print this post out (the initial one in July) and hand to receptionist at the office.

    No one ever said anything about it to me but DAMN just doing that felt grand! 🙂

  37. It’s appalling that someone so educated could be so ignorant. And knowing that she is three and a half, he could have chosen his words better… she’s so strong, she’s much taller than other children, etc etc. There are a million things he could have said. And it’s not like she was 12 and overweight… she was three and a half!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am sure that you are instilling plenty of confidence in her, so hopefully that comment went right by her! 🙂

  38. aww that is so sad. I hate when doctors talk without thinking…I mean really- working with kids that age he should have better bedside manner. “growing up-getting big and STRONG” seems fitting.

  39. I am so sorry you and your “precious” had to go through that negative experience!

    Ya know, I’ve heard stories like this before; me and mine have also experienced something similar.

    Where’s the “bed side” manners??

  40. Thank you for doing this for your girl. I remember people talking about me and my weight when I was younger, and into my teens, often with me in the room as though I wasn’t even there…like it was OK. They had no idea how it made me feel. They just stated it as a fact and didn’t consider how I would feel to hear it so bluntly said like that. I recall commenting on a number of occasions on how I was “fat not deaf”. Eventually they go the point…

    It would have meant the world to me if my mum had done that for me. 🙂
    10 cool points for you!

  41. Wow, she is lucky to have you as a mom. I was told I was oveweight at a young age and that just made me sad and led to being an overweight adult. People don’t realize the things they say and how they can impact a person’s life.

    I also had a doctor laugh at me and tell me I was “old fashioned” because I didn’t want to go on birth control when I got married. They need to learn to keep their opinions to themselves sometimes.

  43. i am a pediatrician going into the field of pediatric endocrinology, and i also happen to come from a family background filled with eating disorders. this post makes me cringe! i’m so sorry you had that experience.

    in my clinic, i DO have to have discussions fairly often about weight and healthy body size and dietary choices, but i try to be as sensitive and empowering at possible. words like “BIG” are not helpful, and you are right — 3 year olds absorb SO MUCH! the good thing is that your daughter you as an amazing and healthy role model — bound to make wayyy more impact than a (dumb) comment from some unknown guy in a white coat.

    if you find a doctor you like better (and it sounds like the most recent visit was better), don’t hesitate to request to always see her if possible!

  44. GAWD…what is wrong with people?

    ESPECIALLY DOCTORS… SHAME ON HIM (him or her?)

    I got some of the same retarded comments when my now teenager was a toddler only for the opposite reason …he was never above 10th percentile on the scale …he’s still thin but healthy as a horse…it’s just his make up. You see him now (at 15) and he takes after my Dad and younger brother…TALL and thin.

    my now toddler is a tid bit too….” you need to feed him”
    uh….WE DO…HE EATS LIKE CRAZY

    He just has a roarin’ metabolism. ( I guess)

    KEEP UP YOUR WONDERFUL EXAMPLE.
    Tornado will grow up strong emotionally AND physically!

    I ALSO hate that we compare so much…my kid to thier kid…my hips to hers.

    is a sad state of affairs when we can’t just be who WE are and feel good about it just because someone a size smaller walks by.

  46. I distinctly remember my pedetrician telling me when I was 7 that I was very obese for my age and that I needed to lose weight. I never, ever forgot it (but I was a lot older). To this day, whenever I see her, I give her the glare of evilness.

  47. While I’m not a mom, I hope someday to be able to respond to situations like that with as much poise and clarity as you do. She’s such a lucky little girl to have such an awesome mom.

    Ped’s arn’t the only doctors with this issue unfortunately. I had a gyno once tell me (at 15 yo, 5’3″ and 130 lbs) that I needed to loose weight.

    Can’t tell you how great that was >.<

  48. PS: as you see above, not ALL doctors are that way . . . so the generalizations are hurting a little bit. remember that most of us are trying to do what is best for our patients. i wholeheartedly agree with mizfit’s point — and more education is DEFINITELY needed, but an adversarial relationship isn’t going to help anyone.

  50. you are so right sarah. and generalizations in any form on any topic are not ever a good thing.
    Im finally back by the computer and have bolded your comment as well.

    THANKS SO MUCH.

    Miz.

  52. Thankfully I’ve never had a ped. like the one you mentioned but kudos to you for calling him on it! I think the Tornado learned a powerful lesson from watching how well her mama handled the situation and what you said to her after. So glad you had a better doc this time around!

    PS> The Tornado’s cheeks are the most adorable thing I’ve seen all day! SO kissable!!

  53. Calm down everyone .Maybe the doctor was concerned that she was an overweight child.What is healthy about that?Everyone one with their health and fitness blogs making their comments from their thrones.You all must want to look slim and not be overweight or whey would you all eat like you do and exercise everyday.It’s easy to preach about loving your body no matter what when your obese and being harrassed everyday.Hail to the high and mighty healthy blog writers.

  54. Urgh. Surely pediatricians of all people should recognize that three year olds soak up any and all words said in their presence. Hope your Tornado shakes it off quickly.

  57. WOW
    And I thought it was just M.D’s with adults. I had a physical when I started my current job. The Dr. said “Oh wow, lot of stretch marks” and I froze, paralyzed with what she had said, and somehow the subject changed. I had gained some weight in grad school (around 30 lbs.) and was about half way through the loss at the time. What a kick in the face. What would she say to someone heavier than I was? Seriously? WOW.

  58. P.S. I hope it went truly in one ear and out the other. I hope that is the last you hear from Tornado on the subject for a long long time. She’s beautiful!

  59. That’s rotten. Just rotten.

    People can be so very ignorant and it is such a shame because words make an impact.

    Love the t-shirt. Hope she keeps that attitude!

  60. When I first read that it broke my heart. It sitll does. I’m glad that the new pediatrician was more delightful and supportive!
    I just read that you printed it out and gave it to the receptionist. Good for you! People need to be a little more sensative.

  61. I remember hearing that all the time as a kid. “Oh she’s a big kid…” because I was about a foot taller than all the girls in my class (lord knows why. Guess I just grew quick) So I started to believe it and now I’m a BIG adult. (A shrinking one mind you, but still big.) And I look back at photos of me when I was 3 or 4 and everyone was telling me I was abnormal because I was taller and heavier and they actually sent me for all kinds of testing because of this… and I was a healthy fearless tall normal sized kid. Bah. People don’t realize the effect things that come out of their mouth have. Whoa. /End rant.

  62. I totally relate. If one more person tells my daughter she is “so skinny” and “so tall” with the sense that she is abnormal, I will have to slug someone!

  63. I’m sorry, but all I can think is that your doctor is an a**hole. I am an almost 35 year old woman who has struggled with weight and body image her entire life and am still constantly working on it and battling it. Much of this, I know, is from what people said to me as a chunkier girl/adolescent/teenager. It just kept going and going throughout my years and people just didn’t get it. In one million years, I couldn’t fathom a person – let along a healthcare professional saying this to and in front of a 4 year old. I am so so so sorry and I am so so so grateful for this post. I want to write about it on my own blog tonight, but I just don’t know if I’m ready to really talk about my thinking behind this.

    I work with my children (3 and 1) and my students (4-7 graders) daily talking about how incredible they are both inside and out. I linked you, Carla, last week about being your own superhero. Your baby tornado girl is an INCREDIBLE SUPERHERO! Thank you for all you do!

  64. unbelievable! you really think pediatricians would know better at this point. you had a good comeback, but i’m sure you were biting your tongue so that you wouldn’t say more and make a scene. you should call the office manager to let her know you won’t be back and tell the office manager why. maybe the office mngr will say something to the dr so that it won’t happen to another child/parent. try to turn this wrong into a right for someone else. just my $.02.

  66. My daughter, now 17, still remembers her doctor telling her she should lose weight. At 5’2″ she was all of 115 pounds.

    115.

    Our family tends to have thicker bodies (wide rib cages and shoulders, gain muscle easily, etc.) Not bad things at all.

    115 and the Dr. said she should lose weight.

    I wasn’t there (my ex-husband took her), but sufficed to say I would have ripped him a new one. Frankly at this point in life doctors have to gain my respect… they don’t just get it because they went to school for so long.

  70. #55 is missing the point I believe.
    I am a long time reader and can see/have seen that your child is not overweight BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT.

    In my opinion the most important issue are the words which were said/exchanged in front of a child.

    No matter what his or her size.

    Bonnie

  72. OK, I’m not going to do my lay off doctors post. We all have our bad days, and say dumb things. Pediatrics is a tough field. The kids can’t communicate enough, and the parents communicate too much. You and I know, most of them do the best they can, although I will grant you that medicine ain’t what it was when I first started, and I look for old school doctors myself! The important thing is your daughter is growing up great and making us all proud!!

  73. Maybe he should have spent less time looking at his clipboard & more time looking at your daughter. She looks so gorgeous & healthy!

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