What’s your language of encouragement & a visit from the Guytitian.

by

Hey Miz, I know I’ve seen this same question in your comments before but I dont remember your answering it. Forgive me if I’m repeating stuff. Here is my problem (and I think it’s a common one): my husband wont work out. He wont take care of himself healthwise at all. He makes poor food choices and whines to me and then gets mad when I try to encourage or help him. Besides leading by example (which I know you talk about and I am doing!) do you have any ideas for me?I find that I am growing angry with him which I know isn’t healthy for either of us.

The emailer is indeed correct: this is a comment I receive often as well as an email I get frequently. The person is often different (husband, wife, partner, mother, friend, child etc.) but the scenario is the same: how to encourage someone to get healthy/be healthier when they seem to both ask for your help/grow angry when you offer it.

The emailer is also correct that my go to response is to encourage people to lead by example. To exercise regularly themselves. To eat healthy foods and treats in moderation. That type of thing.

The hard part here is that her husband seems to *want* to be encouraged (which is a step in the healthy direction!) & yet grows irritated when she tries to make suggestions.

My only thought here, emailer, is that your language of encouragement is not the same as his.

The notion of what one woman might hear as thoughtful encouragement another woman might interpret as practically criticism.

The ole one woman’s YUMMY CHIA is another woman’s (waves to marianne) GOOD GOSH THAT SH*T IS NASTY if you will.

I encourage you to ask your husband what his language of encouragement is.

Choose a time when weight/weightloss/eating healthy foods isnt remotely a topic (preferably out of the house but outside of the kitchen for sure) & gently ask him what he needs from you.

Let him know that you hear him asking you for help, that you know how you like to be encouraged (perhaps give examples of what works & doesnt work for you), and ask how you may best help him achieve his goal?

(use the words HIS GOAL so he realizes that this is not something you want for him/are trying to push him to achieve.)

Ask him to list specifics with regards to what he needs support-wise?

Inquire if he wants to brainstorm together for healthy ideas or if he just wants you to listen?

Convey, in the manner you think will best be heard by him, that you need his language of encouragement or you will fall back upon using your language which may not be what resonates with him.

Thoughts, oh wise Bumbling Band? I know many of you have experienced this same thing.

What did you do to help your ‘person’ & to not grow frustrated in the process?

Wanna share *your*language of encouragement?

please to hit us up in the comments (I’ll join you there as you KNOW I have more thoughts on the subject…)

Speaking of laughter being the best medicine (ahhh, you love me for my segues, People. Dont deny it.)

Please to sit back & enjoy the video below.

Dave, our resident guytitian, is much more than meets the eye. Not only is he a wealth of food knowledge he’s a Certified Laughter Leader.

Something I could not resist requesting he share with the Bumbling Band.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZV1C0XymtM

POSTS BY EMAIL

Never miss a post. Enter your email to get my latest posts delivered to your inbox.

Comments

  1. Great advice to speak in the listeners own language, similar to NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), which I find is a powerful communicative tool for me with my clients.

    My hubby did need a little convincing to jump on the health wagon, but now he’s often the one shunning me when I have that extra choco-chip brownie!

    OMG that video! I totally thought he was making the whole CLL thing up but turns out you really can get certified! That’s so great! “Together we can lead the world to health, happiness and peace through laughter!” Excellent motto.

  2. I am soooo jealous! Dave is on YOUR blog. I’m gonna have to hunt him down…lol! And wow, that playhouse looks nicer than my pad. Lucky kids.

    Great topic! “What is your language of encouragement?”

  4. I have been told I am “holier than thou” and told to stop preaching many times when trying to encourage friends/relatives to adopt a healthier lifestyle. I think all you can do is lead by example, if that doesn’t work then the person just isn’t interested. Just my two cents!

  5. Love your answer on this one. Language of encouragement. Interesting. I’m going to have to talk to my hubby about this one. I know that at times what I perceive to be encouraging, supportive and nurturing, he takes as nagging. OOPS!

  6. I know that at times what I perceive to be encouraging, supportive and nurturing, he takes as nagging. OOPS!

    precisely.
    around here we are all about the laughter (shocking, I know. why we also are all about the Dave as well) and what we say, when there is a chance we’ve misheard what the other person INTENDED is:

    I hear you saying Im fat.

    because my word that rhymes with TISSUE isnt weight but another struggle (I work 24.7. HARD. Make little money as writing is a low paying gig. Am I contrubuting enough even though I work ALL. THE. TIME.)—it has become our way of saying

    WAIT, AM I INTERPRETING WHAT YOU SAID INCORRECTLY BECAUSE IT SOUNDS AS THOUGH YOU JUST INSULTED ME!

    works for us…

    Miz.

  7. I’m getting a workout right now – just laughing at this awesomely hilarious video of Dave – hang on…I’ll be right back…there, better – I had to grab a towel – this unplanned laughter workout worked up quite a sweat!! (must become CLL)…

    In regards to getting a spouse to buy-in to health and wellness – I’d say, baby steps. Are there small changes you can make – subtle, yet healthy – that can be worked in to everyday life? Try not to force the issue (it’s hard to get people to do what you want when you’re forcing them – at least to do it and stick with it). Know that some things may not work, and you move on. Maybe doing this enough, and in small enough steps, will make the real benefits of a healthy lifestyle more obvious, without feeling like it’s “all or nothing”.

  9. Ha, I think us Brits must be pretty uptight, that video is TERRIFYING!!! I giggled, but it was a nervous giggle.

    INTERESTINGLY this post has made me realise that the Lead By Example rule has been working more with my fella than I thought. Since I’ve been on a really restrictive diet, he’s STOPPED eating fruit and vegetables. seriously, I only really noticed last week. He just has no enthusiasm around food when I don’t either.

    That’s kinda sad! 🙁

    TA x

  10. IS IT SAD, TA? or powerful. I shall choose to view it through the lens of you two are a team (so rare. such a find.).

    all you need (err, I mean MIGHTCOULD DO ) to do is enlist him to be your support.
    on EATING MORE, eating voluminously, eating healthy.

    figure out YOUR L.O.E. (lang of encouragement), share it with him, & you two can conquer anything.

  11. great advice! I’m really glad Josh works out- its nice to have someone on the same page in terms of why you go crazy when you don’t make it to the gym!

    Hope your language class went well yesterday 😉

  12. is it only early where I am???

    or are your readers up EARLY?!

    I need to mull the LOE after my coffee.

    the laughter video is awesome.
    dave is hilarious!!

  13. MIZ THIS MAKES SENSE TO ME!!!!

    I am the person who needs to be encouraged in my relationship and I am the one who gets mad at my boyfriend when he is just doing what I asked him to do and asking me if I worked out today.

    thank you.

    THANK YOU.

    I need to think about how I want him to help me because I really do want the help.

  14. Leading by example has worked in my relationship. I was on Weight Watchers and losing weight for almost 2 years before my fiance (after gaining the weight that I lost) joined up with me. He’s now 40 lbs lighter, and we’re working on the “getting more active” thing. He’s a huge video gamer, so getting him off his butt is hard… but he’s always appreciative of my suggestions.

    LOVE the video!!

  15. I try leading by example w/my son – he gets it with moving but not so much with food. We played us some Dance Dance Revolution yesterday. The Wii Fit is on its way. *Mara – Wii Sports is really fun! My brother who doesn’t “do fitness” LOVES the bowling and golf*

    I”ve done a workshop similar to Dave’s -as in attended. It was fun for those of us comfortable enough in our own skins not to stand there with our arms folded refusing to play.

  16. Evan? I’ve often wondered if we attract what we are in all realms.

    That same question of ‘if Miz is up @ 4a because it’s her worktime sans toddler—does she attract readers who are also up @ 4?’

    (Methinks it’s more a timezone thang than a law of attraction ;))

    HOWEVER I do choose to view it all through the feeling (prism? lens?) of being HONORED if any of you kickoff your day with the Bumbling Band.

    I know I get my coffee and quickfast&inahurry read the comments I missed overnight.

  17. I’m just like Bea: my husband, the marathon man, often tries to encourage me to exercise, but it often comes across (to me) as critical or just overwhelming, so we both end up frustrated.

    I think over time we’ve learned to do what you suggested, Miz, but it’s a good reminder for both of us. I shall tell him of this post 🙂

    Thank you for this!

    Shelley

  18. I agree with you Miz that the “talk” should be done away from the kitchen and try to catch the person when you’re both feeling good with each other. Any one that has a significant other knows that there are certain times when good conversation happens. I would then say that you’re concerned for their health and want them to be around in with you while you grow older.

    A healthier diet can then be discussed, (Not during the same conversation, you need to let this sink in first), where you discuss choices. Like the person you’re encouraging says “I want to eat hotdogs” should be turned into “hotdogs every once in a while is OK, but let me show you what fish can do for your body”. Get in the mode of not buying snack food and offer more vegetables.

    Remember you most likely have a vested interest in this person and want them in your life. If all else fails ask them to up their life insurance and tell them when they do die from bad choices, at least you made a good one.

  19. oooooh people try NOT to be jealous.

    MizFit is exiting the domicile with her Tantrum’y Toddler Tornado (sorry Stuperb. You’ll have that) and meeting Shelley *in person*.

    I love the offline meets (*waves @ Cammy of the Tippy Toe Diet).

  20. Or, just pull a Jillian Michaels on him! GET your A** up now and workout! kidding, no wait, I am not.

    Exiting at 6:17 am? Are we sliding in Austin today? I am too afraid to look out the window after last night.

  21. Ah, but what if he doesn’t know what his language of encouragement is?

    Because I don’t.

    Sometimes I think it’s less about the encouragement and more about what kind of thoughts are going through the encouragee’s headspace.

  23. and christine? I completely didnt know my LOE—-until i did.

    it took me a while but I talked it through and figured it out.

    poor Ren Man was subject to years of listening 🙂

  24. Ok – I only have time for a quick one right now, BUT, I highly recommend the book about the 5 Languages of Love. It really helped me to understand my spouse and myself, and why we react so differently (I’m a service and he’s a words of affirmation) to each others attempts at motivation. Try it! go to fivelovelanguages.com and take the quiz. I have found it a lot easier to talk to my husband and kids after learning their “language”.

  25. 10 minute video? That will have to wait till I get back from the gym.

    Until now, hubby has never wanted any advice because he’s always been in good shape, in spite of his crappy eating habits.

    Now, at the ripe old age of 50, he’s got a tire around the middle he doesn’t like, and isn’t feeling as perky as he used to. So he asked MY HELP to get off of his grain dependence in 2009. He knows what it’s done for me, so he wants to give it a shot.

    Until now, I never pushed it on him. For example, last night I had turkey salad on top of a cabbage cole slaw; he had a turkey sandwich with cole slaw on the side. So he sees how I’ve made it work with small modifications that aren’t a big hassle.

    He already gets plenty of activity at work, but I do have to nudge him a bit to come to the Y on his days off to lift weights.

  27. I need to watch later too as my kids are creating something inthe kitchen I am afraid to see but needed to say THANK YOU for that phrase.
    language of encouragement.

    like #13 and #17 (really how early are you people up??) I need to find my language.

  28. Wow, good post, very thought-provoking topic. I think you nailed it that people speak different languages.

    I am fortunate that my husband followed my lead in fitness matters – not at first, but then I think he freaked out when I started bench pressing more than he did: the male pride demanded a response. As far as food, he likes to eat anything and everything, so he’s been happy with whatever I purchase and prepare (I’m the primary food-maker in the house). If he wants something else, he’ll have to go get it himself!

    That said, for me encouragement is most valuable when it shows up as actions, not words. The words are good, but what really matters is a partner who enables and supports my efforts by *understanding* my goals (that alone is huge because it eliminates a lot of wasted energy); giving me time to do it, possibly by taking on responsibilities or chores so that I have more time available; not tempting me away from my program just because he’s having a low-motivation day; and paradoxically not guilting me when I’m having a low-motivation day.

    I agree that setting an example is the best thing you can do. We can’t be responsible for another person’s health or happiness – I don’t mean that in a cold way, because of course we want to do everything we can for those we love, but that can be such a trap for women. You can’t make your husband want to want to do something. (not a typo, you women know what I mean). I’m not saying give up trying to encourage, but for me I need to draw a line: my well-being has to come first. Fortunately taking care of yourself often leads to better care of others.

  29. My sister has said a couple times over the past months that she wants to be healthy and such- so finally I outright asked her what she needed from me. I said that if she wanted I could go as far as making a meal plan for her and insisting she get to the gym, or I could just nudge her in the right direction, or we could do it together. She opted for the nudge, and I am SO glad I asked her what she needed. She’s been able to be healthier with neither of us getting cranky about it.

    I’ve found that my own language of encouragement changes often. For different parts of my life and from different people I need different kinds of encouragement, and I think that that is true for many. Although its sometimes a pain that we need to always be re-learning our language!

  30. wowsa, i think you are totally right miz. i’ve had the communication issue before with certain people, so it’s easy to see how this would also extend to fitness (wow i really was psychic yesterday). i’ve tried to incorporate some things when i’m home through my cooking. using something new and explaining why it’s so awesome. or simple substitutions that improve the quality greatly. want me to leave some with you? in terms of exercise, it’s harder. i ahven’t figured that one out yet, except for trying to spur on talking about it, or asking how the classes are at the gym… my dad used to run but now he “can’t” (don’t know if there’s a medical reason, there mgth be) and I do, but i wish it was something we could do together! I do try to get him to play tennis when i’m around, as that’s something we both do 🙂 not so much leading by example, but trying to come up with things we can do together, cause, you know, he wants his daughter time 🙂

    (ps- miz, i had my head up my ass for awhile before i realized how important family is, so i need to make up for lost time! i’m sure tornado will turn out fantastically with all the good words i hear from your end!)

  31. The notion that it’s less about the encouragement and more about what kind of thoughts are going through the encouragee’s headspace (that Christine said above) is exactly where I started on the encouragement language spectrum. I asked my husband to encourage me (and pretty much insinuated that encouragement was vital to my success) when we started trying to lose weight, but every time he’d make the slightest comment I’d cry and start the “you think I’m fat” pity party. It was bad. He didn’t know how to do what I’d asked him to do and I didn’t know how to receive it. (I’m sometimes seriously surprised I’m not divorced.)

    It all worked out, but it turned out to be my issues that worked out … his encouragement didn’t change.

  32. Awesome post, and hilariously well-timed. I just attended a women’s business conference, and one of the constant points of all the classes was how to communicate. I ended up picking up a book called LifeScripts (which, although surprisingly broad, probably does not have a chapter called “How to help your loved ones get on the exercise bandwagon.”)

    Great advice to a very sticky question. <3 I think I’ll give it a whirl myself.

  33. Hmmm….maybe challenge him (perhaps after the holidays!) to work out for 2 weeks. You could even give an incentive…a massage, gift card, things I can’t mention here? (hahaha)

    My roommate is very overweight and always hated working out. But once he got started, it’s now part of his routine and he can’t live without it. It’s even motivated him to eat healthier. It’s worth a shot, maybe?

  34. My first thought about the husband is that often people ask questions or make statements like “I need to get rid of this spare tire!” or “I can’t believe how out of shape I am!” not necessarily because they want the listener to tell them how to accomplish that but because they are seeking reassurance that their partner still loves them and finds them attractive even though they are not at the peak of their physical form. So my first suggestion would be to make a point every day of telling the husband how much you love him and how hot you think he is. Then I would work on just keeping temptation out of the house. Don’t buy his trigger foods or junk foods. Hopefully building him up a little will lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy and he’ll make the desired changes on his own! Good luck!

  35. Darn I can’t watch Dave at work but will definitely when I get home.

    About the hubby thing, it took mine a full year to come around. I think he finally joined the gym out of fear worrying over the muscle men checking me out lol. Probably not the best reason but it got him there and he’s down 50+ lbs now. I think Mizfit’s advice to ask him what he needs from you is a good one. I know with my husband I always give him an out so he doesn’t have to feel guilty. I think the extra time we get to spend together is great too. Hope you can bring him around.

  36. as always such a personal/unique to individual thing and extends far beyond the realm of fitness.

    I am renown for starting conversations with instructions ala:
    —
    I just want you to listen. Really. You can even tune out if you want.
    —
    On those occasions when I am NOT seeking advice but merely wanna talk something through.

  37. Laughed my tail off! Thanks for presenting Dave and hilarious exercises (which I did) and got interrupted by spouse who almost called 911 – he thought I’d gone round the bend… finally! I am terribly fortunate to have a Hubs who works out, altho doesn’t eat very well (or eat very many veggies). That seems to be our language deficit. Thanks for thoughful post (as always!).

  38. I’m confused. This doesn’t jive with what I’ve been reading in the extremely authoritative “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”! (Shut up, everyone. I am very self-conscious about reading this book.)

    Usually when a man finally brings up a topic and asks for advice, he truly is ready to hear solutions; whereas when a woman mentions that something is bothering her, she most often just wants to have someone listen supportively while she vents. When solutions are offered during this time it can be irritating and invalidating to her. This is what “Men Are from Mars Tell Me,” anyway.

    Is the husband actively asking for suggestions, or just kind of bellyaching? Perhaps if he’s not actively asking for help, he resents the tips and isn’t ready to change? He may be in the some sticky part of the Contemplation Stage of Change.

    God, I dunno. If I had a clue, I wouldn’t need to read this damn book ;).

  39. Tough situation. I am so grateful that my husband likes to eat well and is active. Living a healthy lifestyle is a priority for both of us.

    On the other hand, I have plenty of friends who see me spending a lot of time making healthy eats and working out. They ask for advice but rarely follow through with anything I tell them. This frustrates me. I try to help, but they don’t seem to listen. Because making healthy choices has become so second nature for me, I get frustrated when I see others making what I think are poor decisions. But then I remember I was there too once – not very long ago. No amount of encouragement made any difference until I was truly ready. Is your reader’s husband truly ready to commit to better food choices and exercise to better himself? What is motivating him to improve?

    PS – Got my headphones. Love them. Thank you!!!!

  40. Hmmm…so what do you do if they don’t want to change (yet) and you’re worried about their health. How to not be a nagging wife/husband/significant other but express your concern over their well being? That’s where I am. And it sucks

  41. I hear you emily. I lead by quiet example for years before Ren Man jumped in and joined me.

    For us it took having a child & his wanting to stick around.

  42. I think if you’re the active one in the relationship, it would motivate your partner to help him/her discover their favorite “active activity.” Then involve yourself in it to get them started. You might discover it’s something fun to do together, or get them going, then go back to your own favorite activities.

    A friend of mine’s husband was the non-active partner, and together they bought a dog, which was the husband’s idea, and together they walked the dog every evening after dinner. She gave up one of her evening classes, but it was worth it to help her husband get on the right track.

    As for communicating to get the ball rolling, I, too, am a big ‘Language of Love’ fan. VERY worthy read in my humble, bumbling opinion 🙂

  43. I agree with th ewhole lead byb example thing….it’s how my husband encouraged me to be more healthy and fit. Seeing him work out and looka nd feel better encouraged me to do more…and me him…and so on. It’s a nice happy cycle.

  44. Who needs Dr. Phil, you are dead on with your recommendations. Yes, in order for us to effectively motivate, specially our spouses, we must speak the same language.

  45. Ooh – I don’t have time to read all the comments right now… which I always enjoy. But, I did want to comment because I’ve actually been through something similar as the emailer. What you, Mizfit, suggested is pretty much what worked. At some point when my husband mentioned that he needed/wanted to lose weight and get healthier – I just asked simply HOW I COULD HELP? What, specifically, could I do to support him? The answer was simply to agree to do the morning lunch packing and dressing of the kids so that he could always have a workout time (previously this chaotic routine was shared and took up both our mornings). When I agreed to manage this part of the day solo – he started working out guilt-free and this has been HUGE for us. He lost about 20 lbs and then on his own started eating healthier and he feels great – AND took on other kid duties at other times to even it all out. The point is – I just let him name EXACTLY and SPECIFICALLY what he needed from me and then followed through – no complaints.

    Regarding Dave’s laughter stuff – SO funny. I’m also laughing because we do this in my family… it’s a game my five year old came up with a couple years ago. We have laugh sessions. He counts to 3… and we all LAUGH – as loud and long as we can. I never thought about the health benefits of it. I just do it cause it makes the kids happy. 🙂

  46. *sigh* I miss old school dr.phil.
    Pre-smarmy when he’d drop Philisms on us like:

    If you can catch an elf with a fishing net how on EARTH can you support your husband in his weightloss effort?

    (Is he even on tv anymore?!)

  47. My hubby is in the ‘talking about it’ stage of getting healthy. He feels I am leaving him in the dust with my new found fitness freakness…his words to me just this weekend were, ‘I want you to tell me what to do, but don’t be all ‘condescending and bossy’.

    What?! I don’t think I have those qualities! I was OFFENDED. While I may occasionally exhibit some ‘wifey-tude’ (like when it seems I’M the only one who knows how to clean a toilet)…I am never condescending!

    So with him, I will take the no nonsense approach…here’s the plan honey, now YOU have to DO it. Any questions? Just ask.

    LESS is MORE when dealing with spouses or significant others – I’ve got almost 18 years to back that up! 😉

  48. I love your suggestion about reframing the words of encouragement to the whiny husband who won’t take care of his health. You’re so much more mature! I would be so tempted to snap at him for whining or sulk when he didn’t take my advice.

    Often I think the problem is that some people just aren’t ready/willing to take the steps they need to take and would prefer to complain instead of taking action. There’s really not much you can do in that case except, as you say, lead by example.

    I’m lucky to be with someone who doesn’t necessarily share the exact same goals I do, but who works towards the goals she has.

  49. EVERYONE should read the 5 love languages book if they want better relationships with ANYONE! My highest (words of encouragement) is my husband’s lowest, and vice versa (physical touch). Amazing how speaking “their” language can improve things!

    Great post!

  50. With my husband, asking him for help to be motivated to run or whatever works for both of us. He knows I am counting on him to help me not skip a run, and I know that by asking him for his encouragement, he isn’t going to suggest it and stay home and sit on the couch. I guess ours is kind of a “I got your back” attitude. Plus we spend that time together and laugh our butts off, so that is fun too.

    Doing cardio together and playing team sports work wonders for us, but strength training, forget about it. And that is okay. We just don’t do that together and all is well. Nagging never works for either of us because we don’t like to be the one being nagged at.

  51. Oh- and I agree with leslie- that book is a great one.

    And another thing- I have found that finding a workout schedule, like training for a 5k, and printing off your training log works well because it isn’t ME telling YOU what we are doing today, but US looking at what is on the docket.

  52. Interesting, I thought I was the only one who delt with this…lol…At first when I didn’t speak my hubbys “health language” I didn’t know what he wanted from me. With lots of open communication and a great understanding of how his mind works (still workin on this one) I can now HELP him instead of getting frustrated and angry!

  53. I don’t know about encouraging others, but for myself? NO amount of encouragement/nagging/pushing would have helped before I was ready. *I* had to decide to make the commitment, and *I* had to want to change. Yeah, I talked about it for years, but I was not really ready or wanting to do it. Once I started, getting positive feedback about the results has helped. Getting understanding about how much I want to workout, even when he thinks I’m crazy, has helped. In some ways I would like it if he joined me in some things more often, but in other ways, I like having the time for just me.

  54. totally me as well, Sassy.

    I needed to find it on my own.

    and Vickie (below) THANK YOU. I know what you said many others are thinking as well. and I also know that I fell prey to that somewhat. Buying the Recees Cups Ren Man adored (never when he announced he was no longer eating them, before that, BUT STILL) and wondering why he wasnt ‘following my lead.’

  55. My suggestion would be to look at yourself – your own actions.

    I have heard this husband questions posed again and again – and then as the details come forth – the wife is buying the junk food, cooking the favorites, eating with him at his favorite restaurants.

    Enabler, co-dependent – whatever label you choose – I think that the first step should be – if he wants it – he buys it, fixes it, stores it HIMSELF.

  56. This post was a real eye opener for me. Thank you so much for taking the time to get us thinking. I also loved the video, laughing is probably number 3 on my 10 most favorite things to do list. 🙂

  57. I totally thought of the 5 Love Languages as soon as I read the title! Me, I’m a Words of Affirmation. The Hubs? I suspect Physical Touch (or maybe Acts of Service). I’ve been trying to do the lead by example route because I don’t want to be a nag (he always talks about how he should probably work out more). Then again, he now weighs less than I do as he’s back at his wedding weight, and I’m definitely not. Do you know how much it sucks to weigh more than your husband who is 4 inches taller than you? Even if it’s just a few pounds. Ugh!

    I definitely need to figure out how to speak his language to get him to encourage me more effectively…

    About the laughter video, I’ll have to check it out at home. Dang tech department Nazis at work!

  58. I just try to lead by example. DH seems to want to change, and he goes through spurts where he does do more, but then reverts back to old habits – and sometimes that is hard, because that is *his* leading by example to eat bad!

    We talk about it, and I offer suggestions that he really seems to appreciate. However, I don’t know as he has really hit rock bottom yet. I think you actually have to hit that point before the changes stick.

    That doesn’t mean the frustrations aren’t there, but just make the effort to not let them be seen by your partner.

  59. I like the phrase “language of encouragement” however I find it’s really difficult to convince someone that they must get healthy or must stop eating by telling them or by encouraging them. Leading by example is probably the least invasive. One thing I have found is by taking care of myself, sometimes the other person wants to join in. But also having been on the other side of this encouragement, I have felt defensive and even gotten angry at the person trying to tell me that I need to do something.

    Ultimately, the answer is take care of yourself. Lead a healthier lifestyle — this way when the person you love drops dead of a heart attack, you’ll be healthy enough to get through the grief and get on with your life.

    If we have forced laughter classes, we should give equal time to crying.

  60. I have to agree with Charlotte on this one. This:
    “He makes poor food choices and whines to me and then gets mad when I try to encourage or help him. ”
    does not sound like he is asking for help. It sounds like he is either asking for reassurance (sort of the guy version of, “Does this make me look fat?”) OR he feels guilty that she is doing so much and he is not doing enough, and he’s displaying it by complaining. That’s not to say that he might not want to eat better/be healthier/etc., but that he may not really be READY to do it, and in the meantime he feels like he doesn’t measure up.

    Now, if that’s NOT the case, and I misread that email, then the emailer should ignore this next part. (LOL)

    I have this motto in life:
    Make your choice, and shut up about it.

    Sounds harsh, but it’s really not. You can convey that very sentiment in a loving but firm manner. Frankly, that sentiment has saved more than one relationship for me (romantic, familial, friendship, take your pick).

    Here’s how it breaks down (and why it’s not mean). Husband is a grown man. He gets to make his own choices, even if they involve sitting on the couch eating donuts all day. (Yes, I know that affects wife. I’ll get to that in a minute.) But here is the thing: if he is making a decision that he ALREADY knows the consequences of, he doesn’t get to complain about those consequences. He doesn’t get to down a pint of ice cream and then complain that he can’t lose weight. Personally, I feel like if someone is working to change something, or if they’ve made a new choice (and so weren’t aware of the consequences), I’m ok with whining and complaining. But once you know the consequences, NO MORE COMPLAINING. You are a grown person, making grown-person choices.

    How to say that to someone without sounding like an ass? Stress that WHATEVER choice he makes is OK, simply because he is a GROWN UP. Grown-ups get to make their own choices. It’s one of the perks of BEING a grown-up.

    And then you have to follow through with that sentiment. If he wants to sit around and eat donuts all day (which is totally an exaggeration, please don’t misunderstand me – I don’t know ANYONE, of ANY weight who really does that), Wife doesn’t get to give him a hard time about it. See above re: Grown Person.

    NOW. I know that affects Wife. I really do. It’s incredibly hard to watch someone behave in a self-destructive manner, no matter what method that destruction takes. But Wife is also subject to the motto. She has a choice to make. Her choice is, “If nothing about this situation were to change, what would I have to do in order to be ok with it?” THAT is a tough question, that only she can answer. But again, it’s a conscious choice, made from a grown-up perspective. So she won’t get to complain about the consequences of her choice, either.

    On the surface, I know all this sounds really harsh. But honestly, in practice, it’s the most loving thing you can do: you accept someone for exactly who they are, without trying to change them. You refuse to engage in their co-dependency (the constant complaining), and you refues to create your own co-dependency (your complaining). And in the long run, all that accepting people and not complaining? Tends to have an overwhelmingly positive effect.

  61. Um, whoa. EPIC comment. Sorry. (Believe it or not, I have more to say – but I thought maybe I should go post on my own blog. I just didn’t realize I’d be writing a whole post HERE, too! Sorry, Miz!)

  62. UH AN APOLOGY? never Marste. you know I love it.

    you know Im renown for telling my clients LOVINGLY and GENTLY that I dont recall asking if they liked a certain exercise or food item.

    That they asked me & hired me to get em to the goals *THEY SET*

    That we are grownass men & women and, sometimes, that means doing shit chickenbus we dont like so that we can do things we DO LIKE….like living longer.

    Miz.

  63. I like the idea of using one’s own language. I find that the person has to want to make the change on their own, and until they are committed, they most likely won’t listen to you.

  65. I NEED to have the language of encouragement talk with my husband! We definitely bring the LAUGHTER to our conversations because, well, our communication styles are so different– I can just see the deer-in-headlights look in his eyes already when I blurt out, “Do you find my cheerleading for your when you run to be noxious and grating? There’s no wrong answer! I promise!”

    As it is, I control what I have control over– say, the food I’m cooking– and let him control what he has control over– say, the food that actually goes into his mouth.

    And. One more thing. Another way I think about this is that I may eat better, and work out more, than my husband, but the emotional good health and happiness he brings me is probably worth more than either of those. So. The least I can do is try to do the same for him and not stress out over the things I really can’t control.

  66. I have often wished that my boyfriend was a runner, but I bet he wishes that I liked football. I’m so thankful that he’s at least moderately healthy.

    I just hate it when he doesn’t try to understand my exercise, like why I don’t want to take an extra day off to go drinking the night before, etc.

  67. I LOVED the video and totally hid from my boss and watched it at work.

    as far as the LOE (did you create that term? there’s your book Miz!) I need to work on this and figure out what I need as I am the one who is getting irritated with people encouraging me when they are just trying to help.

  68. For me and my husband, the “lead by example” works pretty well. I know that for me, nagging is a total turn-off, and I’m more likely to do the opposite (even if self-destructive) just out of spite. I’m sure there are times for both of us, though, where the “following” happens more slowly than the other would like.

    Health-wise, he’s been extremely supportive, especially in the nutrition department, being the family chef. I think that physical activity-wise, he’s on the brink of getting started. (We’re frugal, and we just ordered a stationary exercise bike…and it wasn’t just my idea, either. This is not an expense either of us would have gone for 6 months ago.)

    My catch-phrase tends to be, “How can I best help you right now?” Or, when we’re both doing household tasks and I get the feeling that he needs help with something and isn’t asking: “Could I be helping you better by doing something other than right now?”

  69. I was going to say something along the lines of Charlotte (comment 34). My partner is quite sensitive, so when I began talking to him about working out, I first told him that I loved him just the way he was and that I would always love him and he didn’t need to change anything. Then I told him about how important exercise and fitness are to me, how good I feel when I work out, how I want to pass these values on to the kids (that we don’t have yet), and that I really want to share the whole thing with him. It motivated him enough to join the gym with me…and there, I have learned that he REALLY doesn’t want to be pushed AT ALL, not in the slightest. It’s actually helped me understand him in other parts of our life. But anyway, we review our workouts together (I never ask him, but when I talk about mine he usually talks about his) and although I know not to make any unsolicited suggestions to him, I ask him to help me watch my form, or ask him to show me how to do something if I’ve never seen it before. I think you really have to know your audience as others have said – this isn’t the way I approach, say, my father or my mother when I try to encourage them.

    LOVED Dave’s video:) Got me smiling!

  70. as always you all NAIL it and make me realize how paltry the original post was.

    Pubsgal? I love the catchphrase of:

    “How can I best help you right now?”

    Im going to appropriate that.

    Lesli? I laughed at the visual of you hiding at work whilst chortling over Dave’s video.

    Life calls.

    As does the pediatrician.

    Always the carnivalrideglamlife up in herre and I wouldnt have it any other way.

  71. Thanks!

    I knew laughter was healthy but i had no idea why.

    I knew it burned calories but i didn’t know all the other benefits.

    Maybe next week I’ll do a “laughter day.”

    The five love languages is a very pink book, but is a great way to figure out what your communication language is. It works well with all relationships.

    Ever notice that people give gifts that they would want to receive. It’s a good tip on what to get them. If you haven’t already bought your gift.

  72. Dave, you delivered exactly what I needed today, thank you!

    I have no advice for the reader because I have one of those husband’s as well. NOTHING….and I mean NOTHING I do can encourage him to get up and get moving, so sadly I have given up.

  73. Hubby could use some healthier eating and additional exercise, but has not asked for my advice. I’ve been leading by example for 18 months and he’s noticed my increased energy and how much happier I am. It’s not enough to get him on the bandwagon though. I’ve cleared the kitchen and pantry of junk food (if it has no nutritional value, it’s gone). To quote Charlotte here: ‘Don’t buy his trigger foods or junk foods. Hopefully building him up a little will lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy and he’ll make the desired changes on his own!’ What happened when I returned from a 4 day trip to Minnesota last year? I returned to cupboards housing cookies, potato chips, and (ick) Funions (those deepfried fake onion things).

    All I can do is somewhat silently shake my head. Maybe it takes years and years of leading by example.

  74. Fitness Surfer? every gift giving occasion I fight the urge to give what ID wanna receive (hello Nike Air Rifts!).

    WO Mommy: giving up? that’s kinda what finally worked around here.

    as Conny said:

    years and years of leading by example and then…

    GIVING UP 🙂

    Miz.

  75. I love your advice to ask him how he wants to be encouraged. BF and I just had a conversation like this where we both explained how what we needed and what we’d been receiving from each other were different. It really helped to reduce our attribution errors and enhance the perceptual process.

  76. What a great post and very timely for me. My husband is just now starting to make mentions of wanting to lose weight. But, he has seemed a little hurt at a suggestion or two I’ve given. Next time he brings it up, “What can I do to help?” will be the first thing out of my mouth.

  77. I did think it was snow white’s house. Loved the video, and I thought your response to the reader’s question was superb! Very thorough and right on.

  78. man, I always learn so much when I visit here….

    I agree with marste as well, but unfortunately for me, DH is a vocal, long-winded complainer. I’ve learned to ignore it as much as possible.

  80. Hi MizFit: I have a lens on squidoo about laughter yoga. I’m a big believer in the many benefits of laughter on health and general feelings of well-being. I loved Dave’s video. Sebastian Gendry has a couple of videos up on YouTube with fun laughter yoga exercises people can follow along with 🙂

  81. Mu hubs started working out with me a while back….and you know what got him started? I finally talked him into seeing his doctor for a physical and she told him he had high blood pressure and put him on meds for it, and she told him he needed to lose weight and get into shape or he would be pre-diabetes pretty soon. This scared him enough to want to join me in working out. He had a follow up with his doctor a month later and had already lost 8 lbs and his blood pressure was getting better, although he needs to stay on the pills and keep at it until his next follow up in 3 months.

    It is still hard though because he gets frustrated and feels like there isn’t time to fit it in the day and just doesn’t want to *have* to do it…but I keep encouraging him and telling how it is all about baby steps and that you can’t just change over night….and luckily I am in charge of food so I can make us healthy meals…he might not like them all but he does eat them 🙂

    Good luck!

  85. My husband likes to workout but is sooo not consistent about it. I’ve found though that when I’m training for an event, he’ll step it up and do it with me for support and encouragement. And, in the process, he gets super fit, too! 🙂

  87. Great post! I get frustrated when the person sees that I’m successful – must be doing something right then – and they ask for advice BUT don’t follow it and try some stupid quick-fix-but-never-works diet. I’m living proof it can be done, if you ask…it would be nice that you follow the advice.

  88. Love Dave’s personality. Love to laugh. I find my kids and dog are pretty good for inducing good hearty laughter.

    Hubby produces more snorts of laughter–probably not as calorie-burning, huh?

  89. so true — my husband’s original encouragement was, “well, it just takes determination!” URGH. we’ve had several talks about what actually helps me — and it ain’t that. good advice to simply ASK. and then DO, of course.

  90. Donnalouise (comment 87) nailed what frustrates me a bit: people (other than my husband, who’s in on the big secret) ask what I’m doing, and when I start to tell them, they respond with all the reasons they can’t do those things. And it’s nothing earthshaking, pretty much along the lines of eating better and moving around more often on a regular basis. I’ve learned, in those situations, to nod sympathetically and move on…

  91. Gotta love Dave!!

    What I realize sometimes about losing weight and exercising is that info can’t come from your spouse always. It sometimes has to come from an outside party.

Trackbacks

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This