Viewer mail: learning to say no (Kuru giveaway post).

I saw your tweet about drawing boundaries and saying no. I’m terrible at this and end up angry and resentful about all my commitments. I know this isn’t a workout question but wondered if you could email me back?

My entire reason for starting this blog was the hope that, through sharing my experiences, I could save you (the royal) from making the mistakes Id made along my healthy-living way.

Things like lifting the same body parts day after day after day or eating 100% fat free (oops. on both counts).

It’s that reason why I decided not to just email our reader back but use her question for a blog post.

For me my entire world shifted when I finally realized that NO is not a four letter word.

I used to be Suzie SaysYes to everything.

Sometimes it was simply because I really wanted to say yes (even though I had too much on my plate) and other times it was because I didn’t know how to say no without hurting someones feelings or causing resentment.

As a result, I spent my 20′s frazzled because I was overcommitted and irritated because I really wasnt interested in doing half of the tasks which filled my days.

And then I had my own little AH HA! moment.

I realized that not only was I doing a lot—and none of it well—-it was a disservice to others if I wasnt carrying out a commitment or favor with a joyous heart.

As the emailer mentioned I, too, was growing resentful and I wasnt hiding it too well either.

I was grumping my way through my days and, for the most part, the people to whom Id said yes either had no idea or didnt care (why should they have cared? I said yes—they didnt force me into anything).

The answer to changing my predicament took a while to find but, when I did, it turned out to be an obvious one:

I never ever say yes to anything in the moment. EVER.

Does an opportunity sound amazingfantastic (Wanna go to Vegas next weekend all expenses paid?)?

My response is always:

Im not sure—let me check my calendar.

Does an opportunity should like something I should probably do just to be nice (Can you pick up little Jennie from daycare next Friday?)?

My response is always:

Im not sure—let me check my calendar.

Does an opportunity sound like a stick-in-the-eye but I know I should probably should say yes since Im as poor as the proverbial mo’ fo’ (Do you wanna write about the political process in Mongolia)?

Im not sure—let me check my calendar.

This approach has allowed me to never feel in-the-moment pressured and agree to things which upon reflection I know I can not do.

Yes (it is still difficult to say no). Yes (I still frequently say yes to things out of a sense of ‘do unto others’ but its done with a joyous heart now) Yes (I sometimes use the Oprah trick of “I prayed on it and decided I cannot.” She’s right. No one can argue with that one.) it can be a challenge to say NO—-but it can be done & the self-care which results is invaluable.

AWKWARD SEGUE & FLASHBACK TO FREEBIE

Remember this post about the KURU shoes?

please to enjoy this visual reminder:
kuru Viewer mail: learning to say no (Kuru giveaway post).

Im  happy to announce that Kuru is back and wants to give one of you yer very own pair (cue applause).

One reader will win a pair of Kuru’s slip-ons (Rapids, Slipstream or the Draft) & you can be entered to win for the low low price of a comment below.

Click to the Kuru website and share (how you have learned to say NO in your own life and) which Kuru model/style is your fave!

USA & Canada only. Winner announced 11.16

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Comments

  1. DinosauRN says

    My first ‘No’ moment was (remarkably!) in my 30′s when a boyfriend said that his ex-wife wanted to meet me, so please provide a date that we could all get together for dinner. It was like a lightning bolt hit me; I didn’t want to do it and I did not HAVE to do it. I said, “no”. He cracked up; he’d never seen me say no before. Never met her, been married to her ex for 18 years. Nuff said.

  2. runnin4fun says

    Blue draft or the black rapid-definitely! I am 36 and after 2 kids( and many,many dance/school functions),I have finally gotten better at saying No.It’s not easy though,I am a “people pleaser” kind of person and can be “guilted” into doing things I don’t really want to do.When I say Yes to things I don’t really want to do,the resentment turns into anger which turns into one mean,grumpy mom and that’s not how I want to be.

  3. Bonnie says

    I love this as you are right, it is so simply, and if I did it I would be a far happier Bonnie.

    That’s my new plan :) never ever say yes in the moment.

    xo xo

  4. says

    I like the Rapid in MadderBrown (was “irritatedbrown” already used, lol?) – nifty giveaway, Kuru!

    I learned to say no after going through much of the same thing you did, Carla – and I have to say that resentment does not look good on me, so while I may not be saying yes all that often, you can bet that when I do, I rarely regret it.

  5. Leah says

    it was a disservice to others if I wasnt carrying out a commitment or favor with a joyous heart.
    ————-
    I have to admit I do this a lot.
    I will say yes and then stomp around (literally and figuratively) and resent.

    Good point.

  6. says

    It took me a long time to learn it is OK to say no. It took me being sick with unexplained fevers for months and it all boiled down to me stretching myself past where physically/emotionally/mentally I could handle things.

    Just like you, I have a catch phrase that is now automatic and that is.. I need to check my calendars(everyone that knows me knows I live/breath/function by 2 calendars, my personal one and our family one)…I will get back to you byXXX.

    I LOVE those shoes…OMG they look absolutely comfy. My fave would be the Rapid Woman’s black.

    Thank you Miz( and Kuru).

  7. Evan says

    I wanted to add my thoughts because as a guy I find I easily say NO (and my wife tends to look at me as if I am being rude LOL).

    But I do regret it sometimes and wish I had said yes.

    Is this a male thing?

    I wonder.

    I would love to win the shoes for my wife, Miz, and would let you pick what you think she’d like!

  8. says

    Hey Miz. Hope you enjoyed that glass of wine :) Oh boy–I def over commit on a regular basis. I finally got my first real NO out when I decided to pull back to 75% time at my full time job. Now I am able to dedicate more time to the things I really LOVE. Have a great Wednesday

  9. says

    It took me a long time to learn to say “let me check my calendar.” But once I did it was very freeing. Then I could decide if I could really do what they were asking fully and completely without compromising my family life.

  10. says

    I like the Slipstream. :)

    My kids taught me to say no. I used to go to playdate after playdate with them, several mommy-toddler groups, toddler gymnastics, kids soccer, etc. I finally realized that we didn’t have to say yes to every proffered playdate, or sign them up to every club they expressed an interest in, or take them to every toddler group that friends have asked us to show up to.

  11. says

    Not always – but OFTEN – I think we wrap ourselves in other people’s problems and other people’s needs – as a means of AVOIDING dealing with ourselves. . .

  12. ShelleyMet says

    This is a great post. It has taken me a long time to realize it is OK to say “no.” I especially love this line: “I realized that not only was I doing a lot—and none of it well—-it was a disservice to others if I wasnt carrying out a commitment or favor with a joyous heart.” You hit the nail right on the head… thank you!

  13. says

    I have learned to say no to things that don’t make me happy. I think that learning to be ok with saying no, is the more important thing in the world. It is a sign of respect to who you are as a person and it’s also demands respect from other people to maintain the boundaries which bring you happiness.

  14. Tia says

    I think a crucial clarification which you imply but do not state is that sometimes we should do things we don’t wish to because it allows us to serve others.

    When we are overcomitted we often say NO to those who truly need our aid.

    Great post.

  15. says

    I’ve decided that life is too short to spend time doing things that don’t bring joy to others or joy to myself. As I get older, I say no thank you and don’t feel like I need to give a big explanation as to why I said no either. ;-)

  16. Miz says

    that’s totally it Joanna.

    What brings JOY TO OTHERS is, for me, pretty damn easy to do w/a joyous heart.

  17. Kudret says

    Long time reader/lurker.

    I think I am learning that “no” is the best way to preserve your mental sanity and stay 100% committed to the tasks at hand. There is no way someone else would ever know how much is on your plate and so they may ask you favors that you have to assess in terms of your total workload. As a pre-med college student looking to complete two majors, I am always overextended school-wise, and have learnt it is better to say no, first time a around than do a crappy job and call it a day. Plus better for me mentally.

    For the shoes, I love all the orange models (with orange being my favorite color). But for versatility black is better. I would pick between Chicane black or orange for sure!

  18. Leah says

    Learned to say no the hard way…..saying yes to everyone for years to make sure they LIKED me……then suffered serious burnout. Learned to say NO meant saying that I liked myself, loved myself MORE than I needed others to like me, even superficially. Made for a much more balanced life and a much happier me, and spurred me on to real personal growth.

  19. says

    Ha, how did I learn to say no? By immediately saying “yes” to a job offer that was ohsowrong for me!! Really wish I’d told my boss I’d check my calendar at that one :P After six months in the job, I’ve realized it’s not the one for me (a little forethought would have allowed me to see that, rather than saying yes to it right away). I recently gave my notice and am back to square one on the job front. Realizing that it’s important to do what I want to do and not what other people expect me to do :)

    Oh, and a women’s slipstream in grey! :D

  20. says

    An unexpected, though speedy shot over to learning to say ‘no’ is a sudden or life threatening illness. You learn quickly what matters and it’s easy to say no afterward if you’re lucky enough to be alive.
    That way you can be a “no” model for others.

  21. says

    I have no problem saying “no” to social type stuff that I don’t want to do…however, when my administrator at school asks “hey, will you give up your lunch to sub for a class?” my answer is yes. Always. I gotta work on that, though the pay and kudos IS nice :)

    I’m diggin’ on the black slipstream ones… they look uber comfy

  22. says

    Miz, I love this post! I am so with you on this “no” stuff. It is so hard & took me years to figure it out BUT it is important for our sanity! I DO think people feel & recognize when we are frustrated by life & overdoing too much! I can’t tell you how much family/friend time I missed out on too as a result of not saying NO! It does not mean we do not care, but it just means that at times, we have to do what is healthiest mind & body for ourselves for a change. We all know that if you never put yourself first at least sometimes, we are not at our best for others. It is a hard concept to learn!

    As for those kuru’s, with box wide, flat & bunioned feet, I need them!!! After my sleep, I will head over to the sight & then come back here for another comment on which I like best… THX!

  23. says

    Holy moly this post is like a smack in the chops, in the most delightful helpful lovely way. And Joanna’s comment is ace too. Great stuff, Miz :)

  24. says

    oh carla! once again you have hit the nail on the head!! I have only recently started saying “NO” or “I have to check.” It is because of my husband that I learned I could say “no.” {Ok, as I start to write this comment, I realize the connection here with my health and I HAVE to blog about this one!}

    I totally talk too much! lol!!

    Evan commented that he has no problem saying no and it must be a guy thing! I read that to the Big Man and he is nodding his head! I am a people-pleaser so I have a hard time saying NO, the husband has no problem with it at all!!

    Love this post,

    <3 jen

  25. says

    Open to Canadians, awesome!!
    Black Draft for sure :)
    I’m still trying to say no more often. I’m not very good at it yet but i’m better at it than i used to be.

  26. says

    Draft.

    I live and die by my schedule. I always tell people I have to check it. Since it’s normal now no one assumes for me, they always ask and wait for my response!

  27. Marie says

    This post was amazing- especially this time of year when things get crazy. Thanks! And- uh- I’m still learning to say no. Having a “no interruption nap time” for the toddlers helps:)

    I would have to go with the slipstream. And these would be awesome as it’s getting a little too cold for my chacos in the winter:)

  28. says

    I think the thing is to realize that life is short, and you need to make conscious decisions about how to spend that time. There’s nothing wrong with saying “yes” as long as you mean it. The worst thing is to agree to something and then do it with resentment lurking in the background.

    As for the shoes… wow, that’s a tough decision. I think I’d go with the Chicane, although the Draft looks super comfy.

  29. dragonmamma/naomi w. says

    I did a double-take when I saw the name of those shoes, because kuru is the name of a disease that cannibals get by eating each other’s brains! (No, I’m not making that up!)

    Ah, yes, the thing about saying yes…it’s funny, because sometimes the opposite is a problem. I know parents who automatically say NO whenever their kids want to do something, and I’m thinking…uh, why not. Not if they’re asking to jump off the roof of the house, of course, but things like “mama can I have a sheet to build a fort.”

    (Excuse the wordiness-I’m writing a novel this month for nanowrimo and I’m training myself to ramble.)

  30. says

    This is an interesting question, because since I suffered from disordered eating/depression, I found that I really detached myself from social get-togethers. I had to start forcing myself to spontaneously say YES because I was hiding myself from everyone. And in that context, saying YES really did help me.

    But mostly recently, I had four jobs plus going to school full-time plus writing two blogs, at the same time as I was doing my vegan challenge, and finally I just said NO to one of the jobs and dropped it. Everything is MUCH more doable now (albeit still very busy), and I could not be happier that I made the decision to SAY NO!

    I get SO excited when I see shoes like these. With having one leg 3/4 inch shorter than the other, it makes it so difficult for me to find really good quality shoes that don’t hurt my legs… shoes these days are just badly made, for the most part, and aren’t accommodating at all for those of us who need a LOT of support! I’m drooling over the Chicane Chocolate but the Gray Slipstream looks super nice too.

  31. Leslie says

    Such a timely question for me, as I am just now learning how to say no, after almost 40 years! I have suffered from depression for a long time, but I’m finally doing the hard work of getting to the roots. My therapist and I have been able to trace my people-pleasing ways all the way back to my childhood. It’s been difficult but necessary for me. Next up is to alter the pattern, which I am a little excited about but very nervous as well. It is such a huge step for me. I’m taking notes on what everyone here is saying, because I’ll need a lot of help!

    And about the shoes…you know, I’d be happy with any of them, as my feet are in bad shape, but the black Drafts do look especially good to me.

  32. says

    I used to feel guilty saying ‘no’ – now I have come to peace with knowing it is okay to do so when necessary. Sometimes it still makes my stomach hurt, though. What’s up with that???

  33. says

    My “NO” moment came on July 26th of this year. I had allowed my Mother to live with me, off and on, since my Grandmother died in 1994.
    Finally, after another of my Mother’s “fits” of temper. I told her to leave. She asked to stay until her checks came — and I told her most emphatically “NO!”.
    It went on for hours — I held my ground — and she left.
    I felt liberated and free — at peace at last.

    As for the shoes… LOVE the Rapid and the Slipstream!

    Will TWITTER and Facebook this for you as well!

  34. Heather in MO says

    I like the Draft better, but the Slipstream is probably my favorite, as it’s more practical for cold MO weather.

    I love your “I’ll check my calendar” strategy. Will definitely test it out. :)

  35. cammi99 says

    I love shoes and these look awesome, esp. the “Chicane”.

    I’m pretty wimpy about directly saying no. My go-to stall is saying that I have to check my husband’s schedule! He has about a million days of vacation he has to use up, and I truly do like to check with him to see if he wants to do something that day.

  36. MizFit says

    LOVE all your thoughts and insights.
    I had to say no again today and I did have that fleeting moment of stomach clenching as I knew it was NOT what the person wanted to hear….but I did it.

    He then proffered a middle ground compromise which I could ENTIRELY DO and turned my No into a yes.

    into a yes I can entirely do w/a joyous heart.

    The more I think about it for me it is all about drawing boundaries but NOT in sharpie…more in pencil so that I can, should I choose, be flexible

  37. Ann says

    I’m still working on disentangling myself from too many commitments made a couple of years ago. I really like the suggestion to never answer right away. I will try that and see how it works!

    I appreciate the Kuru’s whole sustainability section on their website – a pretty thorough set of commitments there! I wonder if they have trouble saying no?

  38. Diana says

    This is a lesson I’m still learning. Although I did tell my advisor (anyone in grad school can appreciate this) that I would not sit in on her friends class and do all the readings (@150 pages of research article fun) just because she wanted aa more diverse group. Way too busy for that one!

  39. Karen says

    I like that you have one thing you say to all people.
    That way no one can be offended that you tell THEM you need to check.

    Love the tip.

  40. says

    You nailed it with never saying yes in the moment. I’ve only recently discovered that tactic and it’s great! Thanks for the reminder.

  41. says

    Ooh, I love those Kuru shoes. I choose the Kruzr II in blue! I actually wanted to ask what you thought about their heel technology in contrast to the concept of running barefoot (and letting your heel squish flat.) Which is actually better for you???

    Saying no…I always tell people that sometimes you have to say no to some very good things in order to have a peaceful (not over-crowded) life.

  42. says

    I would always say “yes” because I believed I would be missing out on something. Lately I have been taking care of myself first and saying no to Happy hour when I want to get a workout in is HUGE for me! Also, saying no to my boyfriend who wants to order a big greasy pizza with wings for dinner every night!

  43. Karla says

    The first step for me was realizing I say YES from a desire to be liked.

    The next step will be finding my voice to say no.

  44. Betsy says

    As a mother and homeschool mom, I have had to learn to say no because my kids need me first.

    I love the Chicane shoe!

  45. Katie says

    I’m a grad student, so we are taught to say yes all the time, especially to our advisors. My second year of school, I decided that I wanted to take control of my thesis, and at a meeting with my advisor I said no to a suggestion of his for data analysis. It took some convincing, but he came around to my point of view! And now, it is a joke between us that I can talk him into seeing things from my side whenever I set my mind to it!

    As for the shoes – all are super cute. LOVE the Chicanes though!

  46. says

    Oh wow am I glad I read this post. I’m one of those people who through guilt and the desire to be liked gets pushed into too many things I either DO NOT WANT to do or do not have time for.

    Your approach is one I’m going to steal. Giving me the time to think through “should I/can I *really* do this”.

    THANK YOU!

    P.s. I think the slipstreams are my fave (if I *have* to pick one), I’m such a fan of streamlined styling ^_~

  47. Lanie D says

    I am not sure what my ah hah! moment was, but lately I have been able to say no pretty easily. When I do the question I do a “gut check” do I really, really wanna do it?

    If not, I say no and strangely feel no guilt later. The only loop hole is when it’s part of doing something outside my comfort zone…if I don’t really wanna do it, but I think it’s a good learning opportunity or something…weeeeeeeell thats a different story.

  48. says

    Excellent strategy! I’m going to use that one, too…although with our calendar these days, I usually truly DO have to check first.

    As Moonduster (Becky) mentioned, having kids has taught me a lot about saying “no.” I’ve also noticed how good at saying “no” they are, naturally. I wonder when that changes? Just this morning, for example:
    Me: Want to go with me to take the dog for a walk around the block this morning?
    Daughter: No, thank you.
    (Sometimes they give that answer when we tell them to clean up their toys, and it’s hard to not laugh while explaining to them that “no, thank you” is not an option.)

    (Oh, and the Kuru shoes look so cool! I’d go with the Draft in orange, because they look so bright and cheerful, and I usually would go for something more practical, like black.)

  49. says

    I used to be a Yes woman all the time…and boy did I hate life back then! I’m following the strategy that you are where I never commit to anything on the spot and am always using the let me check my schedule response. Now some of my friends had a hard time with the transition and started to rag on me about being non-committal about anything. Oh well they eventually got over it. Ha Ha.

    As far as the shoes I like the Chicane in Chocolate….would so love to own a pair of those!

  50. says

    Draft – Women’s Blue. These shoes look so cool! And like they’d be comfortable! They remind me of a pair of blue suede shoes I had… until my feet grew out of them in recent years. I need my blue shoes back!

    As for saying no, it was hard to learn to do that. I’d say yes and then get so overwhelmed and stressed, it never turned out well. So I had to just drop back and learn to think about it first, before I did commit to a yes. Often my answer will be that I simply have to take some time to think it over.

    Where I have to be careful is to not say no always… because sometimes there are things that might be good for me to stretch myself and do. Taking time to think helps me come up with the right answer for me.

    Mind you, I am categorically NOT saying no to the lovely shoes! Those are a YES!

  51. says

    awesome post!!! so inspiring.
    im really bad at saying no sometime… i need to work on it because some ppl take advantage of me time to time and it’s not good for relationship ><

    i would love to win any pair! thay are adorable~

  52. says

    “I can’t give you a sure fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time” H. Swope

    Personally I usually say Yes……and then I take it away.
    Example, Yes I would love to give you a ride to the airport (big smile and happy customer for a few seonds)…then I follow up with, wait a second, I think I all ready made a commitment. I’d love to, but let me check to see if I can do it before I commit. Kind of like your “check my calendar”. I just add in a little white lie….
    Is that bad???

    Marc

  53. Denise Giroux says

    I learned to say no by observing my mother. I was always a people pleaser. Too afraid to say no in case I would offend, be perceived as lazy, or god forbid have someone angry at me. Then one day I was in my mother’s kitchen – during the two hours I was there she received seven phone calls and each one of them was a request for her time & effort. From my step sister asking her to babysit, to the church asking her to host an event, to a wheelchair bound friend calling to ask for a ride….everyone wanted something from my mom and she did not say no to a single one of them. Then I watched her have a mini meltdown trying to figure out how she was going to fit it all in while still getting her house cleaned (she’s a clean freak) for the company that was arriving to stay with her, getting dinner ready for her retired husband who was home all day while she was at work and perhaps finding some time to iron. It was in that two hour period that I vowed to stop my people pleasing ways and stop letting people take advantage. I did not want to become my mother the martyr.

    You see I’ve discovered that people treat you the way you allow them to. If you allow them to take advantage they will, repeatedly. However, say no once or twice and they seem to find an easier target for their requests. I’ve also learned not to give and excuse/reason why I can’t. If my sister calls me to watch the kids and I don’t feel like it – I just say no. If she asks why I tell her it’s none of her business or that I just don’t feel like it. See I have no kids so she figured I have all the free time in the world and should be at her disposal. Not anymore.

    Love the slipstream – perfect for Canadian weather!!!

  54. says

    I lost a friend to ‘no’. I don’t really feel bad about it. She was unreasonable. My life was crazy. I didn’t need more crazy heaped on top. The funny part is, I didn’t say no. I said yes with conditions. She didn’t care for that none. It was the last time we ever spoke.

    I can say that since I found sanity and balance, that it is everything. Now I do what I have to, to protect that.

  55. says

    I learned that valuable lesson by saying no to domestic violence and taking my life back. I said no to physical and emotional bruises, and (almost) death by leaving. Now I say yes to life every day…

    And the shoes? I like the Chicane Chocolate

    Thanks for an awesome contest!!!

    *smiles*
    Michele
    aka Raw Juice Girl

  56. says

    Following the spirit of the post, I must say: NO, I cannot choose just one! I like the Chicane Black/Capris, the Halcyon Black and the Chicane Chocolate. (And all of the orange ones, but I’d never wear them.)

  57. says

    I like the Black Draft shoes. I used to be a constant “yes woman” but I am slowly realizing that saying no helps me do the things I say yes to even better.

  58. says

    For me, I just have to explain that I need to think it over. I then tell the person that if it isn’t right for me (not in a selfish way, but in a “can I do it and do it right” way), I am not going to do it, but I need to think it over to make that decision.

    By the way, I think the Cirque – Mens – MajorBrown would be the shoe for me. I would love to try slip ons, but I just like to have my shoes tighter on my feet.

  59. says

    Hoooo-weeeee, is this a blog post directly at the heart of my own life.

    While I’ve made some progress in the last year or so, my life has been seriously burdened by my inability to say no.

    Part of the problem is the nature of my work- I have spent my 20′s working in two main areas, theatre and freelance writing, two industries that rely heavily on networking and collaboration. Somehow, I translated this into ‘Oh, I have to say yes to this project because if I don’t I will NEVER WORK AGAIN, ALAS! Oh MY! AGGG’

    (ahem. theatre major.)

    I’m working on it. Thanks for reiterating one more time that we are both better than that ; )

  60. Katie R says

    The black Draft shoes are so cute!

    As for saying no, I try to listen to my head (rather than my heart) to figure out what I can say ‘yes’ to. Would my ‘heart’ like to help everyone out and attend every work function and be a superstar?–yes. But my ‘head’ will help me to understand that only certain work functions require my presence, and I asm already a superstar :) Plus, fitting in time for me–exercise, reading, baking–is needed to keep my ‘head’ happy.

  61. Julie says

    Sometimes, I just say that I have to check with my husband and that gives me a little space to think before rushing in and just saying YES! Which is helpful because sometimes I let guilt and “shoulds” motivate me and that usually doesn’t turn out so hot.

  62. Brittany says

    I’m still trying to learn to say “No.” I still feel guilty doing so. I can’t do everything though!

    ~I would love the Draft in black!

  63. Nita says

    I had a big breakthrough recently. Another woman and I are having to travel 7 hours together for a workshop. She drives me crazy – talks non-stop, she’s the only one who’s ever right, etc. She asked to share a room with me to save money. I told her no. It sounds heartless, but as an extreme introvert, I could not have listened to her all evening!

  64. says

    Thank you for this post. Oh Miz, I still struggle with saying “No”, but I’m getting better. I’m going to take your advice and never rush to say “Yes” in the moment.

    I like the Rapids, but I only saw they make them in men’s. That’s okay – I have big feet. :)

  65. Myra says

    On saying no….well its a daily battle, I’ve not mastered it yet….but, I have two examples, both involve the beautiful daughter.

  66. Myra says

    Sorry….if my daughter asks for something….say an itouch..I say we’ll see…she asks me the other day “is that a no..we’ll see” or is that a we’ll see, we’ll see” It’s an easy no.
    Then, my mother lives with us and she still likes to cook, but not what’s exactly from the Biggest Loser cookbook. My little Nancy Reagan says” Mommy…Just say no!’
    I have a hard time with that one.

  67. s says

    i think i started learning to say no to things after starting an intense job a few years ago where i couldn’t possibly get everything that needed to be done, done. but, i still overplan at times.

  68. Tessa says

    Ha, ha ha, DonosauRN=funny ;-) and smart!

    I know by experience doing stuff you really don’t want to do for way to long can make you really sick, literally. You can say I learned the hard way. But still, better (really) late than never.

    And for something completely different. Why USA & Canada only? Your freebies are usually pretty sweet and I covet them! But never is Europe included :-(. What’s an ocean!

  69. says

    I’m actually still just getting comfortable with the concept of ‘no’. Lol! If I could be entered that would be fab-u-lous!!! I love the woman’s black rapids (size 9). Thanks, Miz!!!

  70. Nikki says

    Good morning Miz and everyone…
    As for me, I had to learn the hard way! I tell people now that I need to check my callendar and or talk to my husband to see if he has anything planned or in mind(depending on what I’m being asked) and that I’ll get back to them as soon as I know. I like NOT having to be rushed to make up my mind and for the most part people respect this. Sometimes, they need an answer NOW but I still don’t give it…I always say I need to check my callendar or call them back if they’re on the phone.
    Life is so much easier and I’m not run ragged, doing what everyone else asks of me. I also have time in my life to do the things I want to do and now that I have specific time for that, I hold on to that time more dearly and always ask myself if its worth giving up my time for.

    I love the “draft” style in either blue or black.

    Cheers – Nikki

  71. says

    Yeah. I’ve actually yet to learn the whole saying no thing. I’m getting better, but I still feel guilted into a lot of stuff. I can’t be the fat girl who’s also a bitch you know? Yeah, I know – I’ve got a lot to learn, but I’ve been busy getting my husband to learn how to say no first. That’s taken 12 years, and I figure in another 5 or 6 years I’ll have the whole no thing nailed.

    And the shoes? The slipstream in “madderbrown” is gorgeous. And now also on my Christmas wish list.

  72. says

    Adding a pair of the Kuru Chicane in orange to my wishlist.

    Of the pairs to choose from, the DRAFT in Orange would be my choice.

    How do I set limits? For me, most of my limits need to be with myself. Limit time wasting -work to be more present in my life. First step in doing this is picking a time range (for me 8 am to 8 pm) when I’m “on”. Then set an alarm on my ITouch to go off regularly. All it asks is “Are You Present Right now?” Refocuses me until this becomes a habit.

  73. Peggy says

    Great post! Since choosing to stay home with my kiddo for a year or two there has been this idea that I have all the time in the world. I don’t. Time to check my calendar.

  74. emily says

    When I was a yes only woman I was under the impression that being selfish was wrong. After a long journey of self discovery, I learned that being selfish is a means of survival. Saying no isn’t a negative thing, for me it’s saying, I’ll take the back seat on this one but you can for sure catch me another time.

  75. says

    Not sure where it started but I’ve always been good about saying, “no”. I do however need to work on those rare guilty feelings. Plus as others have said, I need some work on saying, “yes”. (And I do remember the “yes” post from earlier this year.)

    Having suffered from various foot injuries/ailments, I am sure these would be outstanding for foot health. That said,
    I rather like the Java/Olive Kruzr.

  76. says

    What you describe is very much me. I’ve slowly been learning how to say no, or even not right now without guilt. I used to take on too much, feeling obligated to do things for people if I was good at them and then get angry and frazzled at the amount of things I was doing in comparison to others, even my husband. I’d crank out and complain…and He’d say “you don’t have to do that you know”…but I felt obligated. It took a long time to realise that I was jsut as important as everyone else and I need to make time for myself too.

    Now, I try and be accomodating, but I have learned that it is OK to say no. And I agree with you about scheduling things. Becoming more organised has enabled me to look at my time schedule (especially at work) and say no without guilt – because if my day is full it is full and I can’t do anything about it. I can even show the people I’m declining how busy I am and they will know why I am saying no. And I do schedule time for myself right in there…exercise too. I make sure I’m looked after jsut like everyone else. This has been a huge stress reliever for me :)

    As for the shoes…I like the Kruzrs in java/olive. So…mellow…

  77. Holly says

    I am very bad at saying No. I will have to try the “Let me check my calendar”….

    Love the Black Draft shoes…

  78. says

    I am getting better at saying no. I have a friend who would likes to talk. I like to talk too, but she REALLY likes to talk and goes into a crazy amount of detail. Our friendship took a real dive this year when I told her I could not talk with her as much. I feel really good about this decision…

  79. says

    During my 1/2 marathon training I learned to schedule my workouts into my day so that they take as much priority as my homework/dates/work obligations. This way I didn’t have to say no, I could just schedule around it.

    I’d get the RAPIDS in grey.

  80. says

    My approach is similar to your own. I hardly ever make on the spot decisions. I usually say that I need to think it over, check my schedule and get back to the requestor and, if I’m not feeling the event or task, I say no.

    Completely diggin’ the Halcyon – Java/Olive situation

  81. says

    Along the same lines, I’ve realized that I can say no to clients, too. If someone comes in and we don’t really click, or I don’t have the skills/desire to help them achieve their goals? I pass them on to a different trainer. I don’t need the money that bad, and it’ll be a better fit for all concerned parties if I’m not internally moping my way through a training session.

  82. says

    It’s better last minute than not at all. I am likely cutting your deadline close, but I’m here and catching up on my blog reads. I can certainly relate to the struggles, and inner resentments. I call it an inner anger at myself for the shortcomings and over sites that put me where I am now, but the merry-go-round is turning again in the right direction.

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