The first signs of wings.

by

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Since we’ve moved back to Austin the Child and I have been like frick and frack.

I think it’s like this in most two adult households with kids.

One parent has more flexibility and, as a result, has more interaction time with the child/children.

I love my work and am grateful I’ve been able to play frick to her frack.

And, because of this “division of labor” the roots & wings responsibility falls on to me.

Actually, strike that.

And, because of this “division of labor” the roots & wings responsibility falls on to me.

 

I’ve happily pushed & eagerly shoved my way to be the one to facilitate roots & wings because, again, Ive loved (most) every minute of it.

The roots, while not always pretty, have gone as I’d anticipated.

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angry roots.

Roots for me are a strong sense of home as safe place to fall no matter what’s happening/what stresses awaits outside our door.

Roots for me are a clear sense of self and belonging (wherever she chooses “belonging” to be).

Roots for me are an internal place. A knowing for her she’s going to be OK and she always has herself as port in any storm.

Roots for me are offering her opportunity to explore who she is and who she may want to become all with a backdrop of unconditional love and no judgement.

Roots for me can be captured in seventeen words.

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(Quote from You Are My I Love You.)

And yeah.

I’ve always been aware wings would be my challenge.

Teaching her grit.

Providing her space to fly.

Letting her fall and respecting her burgeoning confidence and abilities enough not to jump in and “save” her.

I always knew wings would be my challenge, not because I don’t trust the foundation we’ve created (she’s already a tiny Buddha covered in pink), but because I’m selfish.

I treasure these days of being her world and, as much as I strive to show her the larger universe outside our virtual door, I will miss them.

rock

the gift of a heart rock from a child is priceless.

I’m confident I’m not the first to say it, but lately Ive considered the fact motherhood is a job like no other.

If I do this job well I’m not *indispensable*—I’m longer needed.

The Child took a much needed trip with her dad recently and, as I unpacked her suitcase, a note came tumbling out:

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I miss my mom a lot dad but I don’t want to go home.

This small square of paper made me smile.

This small square of paper felt like a motherhood triumph of sorts.

This small square of paper was not bittersweet–as I’d feared and anticipated—it was all sweet.

She missed me.  She was fine without me.

I know it’s only the start of her realization she’s capable, strong and just fine standing on her own and yet the emotion I felt was excitement more than sadness.

I’m thankful she knows where home is and eager to watch her fly and practice.

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Now you.

  • Have you breezed through ROOTS & WINGS with a child in your life?
  • Do you recall when first you noticed wings were emerging?

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Comments

  1. I am not looking forward to pushing the twins out of the nest, Carla.
    This piece is lovely.

  3. Oh the wings!! Not the wings!! Luckily for me, the boys have not yet sprouted them but it will be very tough for me for all the reasons you mentioned. I know it’s my “job” but I want to push it off for as long as possible.
    I absolutely love that quote about I’m your quiet place and you are my wild!!

  4. I don’t have children yet and I love these posts because they make me stop and think about my own mother.
    I wonder how she felt when I started to move away from her???
    I need to ask her.

  7. I do not have children to give wings to, but I have said it before, and I say it again, I hope when I do, we have the connection that you and the tornado do, it is wonderful 🙂 I love that Jonas quote, and you have done just that 🙂

  10. This mamma is ecstatic that her little bird wants us to visit his nest — even if his main objective is a hearty meal.

  12. Love the Salk quote–I had not seen it before. With a 14-yr old, I most certainly am at the point where wings are getting pretty big. I think I do ok with it until i remember how little time I left with him here and that’s when I kind of fall apart. I know I shouldn’t, be I am already mourning his leaving in four years–the focus needs to be on making the most of the time I have left. (I don’t even think about the 10-yr old yet that way b/c my mind can’t go there!)

  13. I’m not sure that I could really pinpoint the wings emerging with the elder child. Actually, I can – her first day of kindergarten, when I was in tears and she was playing within five minutes of walking in the door. She looked up, realized I was still standing there, and said, “You can go, Mama.” She definitely developed her wings early, though her roots are strong, too: she still calls and texts regularly, and when she or one of her friends has a rough spell, I’m her go-to. That honestly keeps me sane in the crazy times. It makes me feel like I got something very right. 🙂

    With the younger, though? She’s 15 and we are still really, really struggling with the wings. She copes with severe anxiety disorder and her roots are very firmly planted in me. It’s a major struggle sometimes to gently make her fly, and it’s a constant bewilderment to me because she’s so, so different from her sister. However, she’s recently started working part-time helping out at her tae kwan do school, so I’m seeing some signs of the feathers starting to spread in the wind. I have hope. 🙂

  15. I can definitely relate! Our oldest turns 10 tomorrow and it seems the time has flown. Overall, it is fun to watch him learn to fly. I could do without the tempertantrums, but watching him interact with others is amazing. He had friends over for his birthday party and it was a blast to watch them interact. They are all working to find conversation and activities that include everyone. 🙂

  16. My 16 yr old has always had wings. She’s an independent soul – going off to summer camp for a month every year since she was in third grade. Now she’s dreaming of college 10 hours away. She’ll be fine. Her Dad and I, not so much. 🙁 Lovely words, as always….

  17. Gosh, reading this nearly brought me to tears. As both of my daughters turn one year older (just in the last week or so), and I watch them morph into humans with their own sense of who they are- it makes me realize the real impact I have on their life. I can only hope that they grow up to be strong, confident and independent.

  19. Not having any children, this is something that I will never have to experience. But, having gone through it with my own mother, I know it can be a struggle.

  20. That has long been a favorite quote of mine although I thought Joy Browne said it first, so thanks. Salk was a special man whose work saved countless people from tragedy!

    I was fortunate to have been given the gift of roots! Wings were more of a shared build.

  21. I was just thinking about the “wings” aspect of that quote earlier this week -and while I know my kid (28! How did that happen?) has told me time and time again “thank you” for giving her the foundation (roots) she needed to do what she is doing today (working on a Masters Degree in Art Therapy at The Chicago Institute of Art!) I feel we give our kids the FEATHERS they need to grow their own wings-not the wings themselves. One feather at a time…

  23. My youngest is turning 5 and starting school in September. I cry about it more than I care to admit. He’s a free spirit who says and does some crazy things and I get so scared school will push that out of him… So yes, I struggle with what you’re going through pretty much on the daily. What a beautiful, beautiful post.

  24. This is a beautiful post, Carla! While I can’t relate personally because I don’t have a child yet, I have just recently gone through several years of living with my mom after my father passed away. I quite possibly learned more than I ever thought imaginable about mothers and daughters during this time. I feel like my roots were built more with my dad, but as a result of them, I was able to build a new and stronger relationship with my mom as an adult. As fresh as your experience is while your daughter is still a child, these “roots” are important not only for her, but for you too. It will make your relationship strong forever. I loved this!

  25. Just so you know, this never stops.

    No matter how independent they get, or how old, professional, or mature…
    you’re their mother…
    just not always their “mommy”

  26. This is so touching Carla. My daughter is 23 and recently became a mom herself and watching her dreams come true has made my world. She was told for so many years that babies would never be possible. She never gave up and she fought tooth and nail for what she wanted most in the world. They were born three months early and I watched her struggle though and fight for them like a champ. I have never been more proud of her.

  27. At first I thought maybe this was about chicken wings, yet the content of this post has turned out be something 10,0000x’s more wonderful that than. The sprouting of wings is bittersweet, and I’m finding that the post-high school wings of my children are much harder for me to deal with. At least I still have two more gremlins in elementary school. Their wings are barely showing (for now).

  28. I’m trying. And I hope it is happening. I have friends who will say that their children can’t/won’t do “x” without mom. (X might be sleep over or being left at an activity – depending on age.) And they sound kind of proud about that. I’ve always been proud about the fact that my girls have the courage to do those things without me. They know it might be scary. They know I’m not far and they’ve got this. I guess that is my reassurance that I’m doing something right. My oldest is a social butterfly and would GO GO GO 24/7. My youngest is a homebody and momma’s girl. But both have the confidence and ability to do their own thing. Man, this parenthood gig is hard all the way through. I really thought toddlers and teens were the hard part. I haven’t found the easy yet. Pretty amazing job to have though.

  31. Such a lovely post. My daughter is 19 and a Freshman and college so I’m full on into the whole letting her spread her wings and fly but it doesn’t really get any easier with age. Keep those treasures (the rock and the notes), so that when she’s a teen, you’ll have them to remind you 🙂

  32. Wings are the hardest. On the one hand I’m ready to push them out of the nest because I want them to fly and learn to be resilient. But then I look back and realize I;m lonely and want them with me all the time. Love her note to you.

  33. I love when you share posts like these. You are always a few steps ahead of me in the mothering experience and I learn so much.

    • yes you make a fantastic point. I find, even now at 45, I go through periods of returning to my roots and clinging to them and then bouts of spreading my wings and doing only my own thing so that I can fly back and share…

  36. This is beautiful.

    I was a very “wing-y” child from an early age. On my first day of pre-school, I wandered off to play with the toys and other kids before my mom could even say goodbye. 🙂

  37. Awww great post! Such a strong your girl you both are raising. My son is 7 and I haven’t seen a lot of “wings” in him quite yet. However, I am amazed by the resiliency he showed and continues to show since his Dad and I split up many years ago.

  38. Reading this I kept shaking my head in agreement…yes I have the roots…a place where she can totally lose it and know that in falling I am right there to catch her….but the wings gives me heart attacks! My daughter goes to school where I teach so I walk her to class in the morning. Today I stopped farther away from her class when the bell rang…gave her a kiss…and watched her confidently stroll down the hall without even a glance back! A fellow teacher saw me and chuckled…she’s got this mom…what about you? Oh the wings is going to be so hard!!!

  39. This post just pulled at my heart strings! My baby girl is 11 months old and the thought of her growing wings is just too much right now! I am glad that I’m still at the stage of forming roots. 🙂

  40. I actually have been OK with all the wings so far but I’m dreading the next big one with my oldest son because it is the one where he will truly be flying from the nest. I’m just trying to enjoy and relish these next 2 years which I know will pass in no time!

  42. It’s not easy, it’s worth it. Yes, mine know they have roots here, and they are trying out their wings. There have been bumps, and one fell temporarily back into the nest, but he’s flapping to get airborn again.

  43. You know I’ve been dealing with wings a lot lately – I just wrote about it. Wings are bittersweet. You have to let them fly and hope that have deep enough roots that they won’t fall. Xoxo

  44. Love it! I have always loved the roots and wings quote. My mom and dad have it on the wall right above mine and y sister’s senior portraits from high school 🙂

  45. Once she knows how to fly, she will always have wings.
    No matter how high or far she flies, she will always need roots.

  47. My parents gave my siblings and I a lot of space when we were younger – and actually still do. I rarely talk to them actually 🙁 = that’s a whole other story… But I remember when I was younger I used to get so mad that my parents weren’t like other people’s parents… But now? I COULDNT BE HAPPIER! They let us spread our wings!

  50. My daughter’s wings are getting bigger by the minute! She’s 14 years old. Has a friend that is a boy. They like each other a lot…. She’s going to high school next year. She’s two inches taller than me! I know she’s growing up fast, but it is a pleasure to watch the young woman she’s becoming.

    Beautiful post!

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