Currently, Lately.

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Once upon a long time ago I wrote a series of If we had coffee… posts.

I mused about dogs in carts and being an Orange Rhino and a child who was feeling not-ten-but-not-four.

I’d forgotten about Coffee Talk (and hadn’t realized how I’d missed it) until I spied Christine’s Currently post.

Currently, I’m rolling toward reconciliation.

sneaker roller skates

I’ve been very open about the fact my marriage has hit a rough patch.

More than any other reason because I know I feel a sense of release when others are honest about their challenges.

I know I feel a sense of not-so-alone as, often, their hard serves to normalize my current experience.

Currently, we’re still seeing Austin’s version of Dr. Creepy.

I’m a believer in counseling, yet I think there comes a point when one needs to put all she’s learned into practice, see how it translates with “real world application,” and return for adjustments and tune-ups.

Hence the roller skates pictured above.

One of our challenges was we’d fallen into that married for almost 20 years thing and stopped connecting over much except life-minutia (did you RSVP to the BBQ?) and kid-stuff.

He travels a lot + we don’t do what we used to *together* + kid crap = routine and not in a good way.

My buying us skates has provided a sort of continual ropes course for our marriage.

Our skating facilitates team building. It reminds we need to frequently check-in on how the other person is doing or (s)he could fall and we’d not even notice.

Re-learning skating together has reinforced we need to turn toward each other and be present in times of losing control/balance stress–not on.

Currently, I’m remembering how HARD it is to create new behaviors and habits.

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I’d say Ive been lucky I’ve not needed to build new many habits before this year, but lucky wouldn’t be the right word.

It’s more I spent so much time in my 30’s working toward being the woman I wanted to become–I’d taken a hiatus of sorts to let those new behaviors sink in.

As I work now, at 46, to re-train my brain on how to respond to certain stimuli with a new! improved! attitude! I’m remembering how hard it really is.

Lately I’m feeling on a very basic level how easy it is to return to old, practiced responses instead of creating new ones and burning new neural pathways (is that even the right way to phrase it?!)

Currently I’ve been calling bullsh*t on the 21 days to make a habit! and leaning on the idea of practice (even when it doesn’t go as hoped) makes permanent.

Currently, I’m in the midst of teaching moments at my own “expense.”

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I looked like this–except without a dog.

When it comes to mothering I’m a tremendous believer in practicing not preaching.

I’m also a fan of seizing teaching moments (good and bad) and using as examples with my daughter.

When she can anchor into an experience (I saw those girls teasing him) it makes it easier to talk about desired behaviors with a sense of relevancy.

Currently, I’ve been at the center of many of my best teaching moments.

We went to a water park.  We bumped into friends we’d not see in years.  One friend said something which simultaneously took me aback and hurt my feelings.

The remark stuck with me for the rest of the day and for dayS after that.

When I decided to heed my personal code (if I think about an interaction more than twice I need to say something) I also decided to share the story with my daughter on a level she could understand.

I told her how sometimes we don’t know what to say in the moment—and that’s OK.

I shared with her how being nice is important—but so is standing up for yourself.

I let her know I think it’s perfectly fine to “miss the moment,” return to it later and share your feelings have been hurt.

Currently, I’m so tired even coffee doesn’t help.

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I love my morning coffee.

I usually make my “morning coffee” 20 hours in advance.

I drink my coffee. I let coffeemaker dry out.  I make coffee and set timer for the next morning.

And then my coffeemaker died (pour out some grounds for our fallen homie).

I was shocked. I was in denial (unplugging for a bit fixes everything!). I was angry (seriously?! this is your one job!). I bargained (just work one more morning and I promise I’ll make time to get a new one). I grew depressed. I accepted (thank you Kubler-Ross).

When I hit the acceptance stage, I realized how often I woke, had a few silent moments, poured my coffee and barely touched it.

I let it grow cold while I moved on with my day.

I also realized how to the core exhausted I am and how less than enjoying my java I’d hoped it would magically energize me.

As I say to the husband:

I’ve got the tireds caffeine can’t touch.

As a result, Ive decided not to replace my beloved maker.

At first I thought this was a bad sign. An act of giving up.

The more I’ve gazed at the space on my counter, however, the more I’ve chosen to view it as positive.

Routine may rock–but change is good and can often teach us more than we’d anticipated.

And that’s my Currently, Lately: rolling toward reconciliation, practicing toward permanent and shockingly surprisingly decaffeinated.

Now you:

  • If we jettisoned the java & sat together: What would you share about your Currently, Lately?

 

 

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Comments

  1. If we had coffee is tell you that I’m currently thinking about how I worry that my kids will find the “right” friends as they start at a new school. It’s a huge time in their lives and I want to make sure they are going the right course.

  2. I would say thank you for your honesty.
    I’ve been married a while and most of my friends have not.
    I think they see our challenges as uniquely us. Sometimes I want to say: you will see how hard this is later.

  5. I’d tell you about an ad I saw once for a weekend seminar for couples. In the daytime, the couples canoed together and in the afternoon they had traditional marriage counseling. I can’t think of any project that would force two people to work as a team better than canoeing, can you? I’m sure your roller skating exercise will provide similar benefits – it’s a great idea.

  6. A) you know I love the openness–I’m the same way
    B) if we were chatting, I would tell you that I am feeling a bit like you right now, but in a different sense/context. I am back to where I was–there are parts of my life that feel so right, and there are parts that I struggle with. How can I make money doing what I love? How can I survive, period? Why do I seem to have hard luck with things that others have it so easy?
    But I would also tell you that I love my life, my family, my friends, my blog, my 18357012358710 part time things that I do.
    And that I’m so excited to see my mom in a week and a half!

    • GIRL, I just READ your comment and think we need to find each other and have really offline nocoffeeCHATTER!

    • I keep awaiting the CAVING and getting a new Mr Coffee too but so far…NOT 🙂 It shocks me so much I may have led yesterdays marriage counseling session off with it. And learned our therapist loves the netspresso 🙂

  8. You are certainly tackling life on a lot of different fronts – good on you for seeing what needs to be done and being prepared to work at it. If we were having a chat I would say that my marriage has been there and survived after a lot of pain and reinvesting on both our parts. Nothing to point a finger at – just disconnection and drifting. When we were at an earlier stage I remember reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and it made me realize that we aren’t unique in our different way of looking at things – it’s a male/female thing. Hang in there xx

    • it has been SO SO eyeopening too how I mocked the mars/venus thing (oh the naivete of the newly married) until I didnt…until I “got it.”

  9. Currently, I’m completely underwater. Completely. Fall is always booked and we added travel soccer this year. I knew it would be a lot. I didn’t realize I was already operating at full capacity.

    • xoxo as I know that feeling well. and I wanna add: pause have a tea party down there and then PUSH PUSH PUSH to the surface.

  10. I feel you – on every single point.

    Particularly the tired.

    Oh, so tired. Emotionally and physically drained in a way I never thought possible. Adulting/mothering is hard.

  11. So hard to maintain that closeness with a spouse once kids come along, so easy to focus only on the day to day and the kids and the work and the stress. I love that you are skating together.

    coffee, if my coffeemaker died, there would be a new one within hours.

    • I do laugh that I WAS SO SO DEAD SERIOUS about any other time? Id have been in the car driving around austin seeking an open walmart or BIG BOX ANYTHING STORE!

  13. I do appreciate your honesty. I also feel as though we are living parallel lives. I may have to try the skating thing. 🙂 But not without caffeine. Baby steps, right?

  14. <3 Our journeys make us.

    Currently, lately I'm on a cusp when it comes to health and in the thick of things with most other areas of my life.

  15. If we were having coffee/no coffee, I would tell you that I am working on being honest with myself and accepting that medication and therapy is in my future. I would tell you that I drink so much coffee everyday, but it never cures the feelings of exhaustion. I wind up jittery and irritable, but always with the undying hope that the next cup will be ‘the cure’.

  16. Currently I share your woes of a disconnected relationship and hope to soon have some professional help…. Currently I am still “turning on” and not “to”….

    Currently I am drinking my drug of choice COFFEE which I could never, not in 1 million years, consider quitting…

    • oh and that TURNING ON? Been there and did that, Sister. And I think it’s almost WORSE than never knowing it’s needed or how to “turn to” (if that makes sense). The change in the dynamic is worse than just never knowing at all…”

  19. I LOVE your honesty and authenticity. I think sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly to provide comfort to others in a similar situation. Your posts often inspire me to share and go deeper in my own life.

    And also bravo to the no coffee – you are a braver soul than I.

  20. I adore you so much. Your first point? A thousand times yes (so much to discuss) and I appreciate that you share your stories and struggles with that because it’s helped me (also more to discuss). And coffee! That’s so funny because I do the same thing – my coffee sits by my side all day. I think that I just need a sip in the morning but I wonder if it’s a crutch? Hmmmm. xoxox

  21. I feel you. After 27 years of marriage, we are learning how to be a couple again. My boys are teens and independent and heck, where did the time go? My husband and I look at each other like “who are you?” I think we’ll be ok, tho. Because we both want to make it work.

    • YES! I pray (often quite literally) we are learning to be a couple again NOW while she’s still living here and it will save us time later? who can say… I admire you both are invested in doing the work as well. I think that’s so so much of the “battle.”

  23. I think if we took up rollerskating we’d be together in the ER! It’s fun to do something I assume neither of you are great at.

  24. If we were to sit down to chat I would say I so relate to
    your marital struggles. In my case its been a year since
    the crisis hit but it is still really hard sometimes and
    sometimes I wonder if we will/can last. I/we try to remember
    to share more with each other than the bills, and the problems,
    and the chores around the house. It helps that we each have
    hobbies, and I try to remember that one person can’t be
    everything to you . I need to get out of the house more than
    I do and make female friends. Also we started sending either
    a little email note or text to each other during the day. It helps
    both of us to know that we are thought of and not forgotten.
    I like your idea of skating together learning to pull together
    is important.

    I’ve given up so much to get healthy ie processed foods etc but I am
    so far not willing to give up my coffee but I do watch the amount
    I drink of it.

    Thanks for sharing your life with us it helps all of us to know
    that we are not alone.

    • oh your comment makes me think SO MUCH I may need to email you privately 🙂 more than anything it sparked this in my head: YES!! to the notes and texting during the day. With mine out of town so much those love missives had veered too much toward WE NEED TO REMEMBER THERES SUNDAY SCHOOL THIS WEEK! type stuffs. Also, and this was so eye opening for me, a friend said to me this weekend: as we women age we expect our husbands to become the perfect woman.
      Not a woman friend but even that perfect woman friend who may not exist.
      Im still mulling that one…

  25. Currently feeling a bit dramatic, but I am scared of how my daughter will react to a new baby. She’s still young, and I don’t think she will understand but I am afraid of the moment she will! We are still just under 5 months away from this happening, but it takes up a lot of space in my mind!

    Also – I have a Keurig that takes way too much time to heat up. I am always running late to catch a train and it upsets me. My husband *just* told me (after 4 years) that it has a timer to turn on by itself. I was equal parts angry (at him) and ecstatic (with the machine) lol!

    Thanks for sharing this post 🙂 I admire and respect the openness.

  26. I wish I could help Carla – you do sound a bit overwhelmed & trying to find a peace place in the chaos.

    I have lots I would say but not here. Life is stressful.. I am getting older – it looks hard to the end….

  27. Thanks for this! This summer has been a tough one for my marriage as well and I think we are on the other side of it. All of those things–counseling, communication, and serious introspection were necessary. I also had to put on my big-girl pants and stand firm to what I need and want in a relationship. Some days it was so hard, but ultimately we both kept trying bc we know how important we are to each other.

    Also, no caffeine will be ok. I stopped months ago bc my body always responded unpredictably to it. I’m happy to report that I’m still alive!

    • THANK YOU for the good news from the Land of No Caffeine. The landscape seems terrifying 🙂 but Im trying. And I echo and shout HELL YES with the standing firm. More than anything it is a disservice to the other person if we dont. We need to know what we want and stick to that.

  29. Sometimes I wonder when we stop being honest about our lives. As kids it seemed like we felt free to share everything and I don’t blame social media. My off-line friends pretend perfection as much as my online.
    Your honesty makes me feel so much less alone.

  30. Currently, I am battling this in my own marriage: “I’m feeling on a very basic level how easy it is to return to old, practiced responses instead of creating new ones and burning new neural pathways.”

    For me, its been 2.5 years of really hard work trying to forge those new pathways. It’s been close to daily work for me, and yes, it’s a labor of love, and I’m a better person for it, but I do worry how much I have left in the tank. I wish my “tank” had a bluetooth app 🙂

    It’s exhausting and currently, lately, I’d frankly rather relax and “be myself.”

    • And I think you captured so much of it for me with the 2.5 years. I wasnt naive. I knew there’d be patches. I HAD NO IDEA THE PATCHES WOULD BE MORE THAN A WEEK!

  31. Tell it, sister!
    Biking has been a great thing for our marriage. As with rollerskating, we can be together, see the same scenery, but be in charge of our own selves. Canoeing, on the other hand, would be a terrible idea.

    Keep on rolling!

  32. I still think y’all need to do a vacation together with just the two of you, but that’s just me. I really find I get to reconnect with Zliten when we take some time away from work, training, chores, to dos, etc. It’s in my mind because we’re leaving for one soon and I can’t wait!

    Going on 6? years happily decaffeinated. If you like the taste of coffee in your routine, might I suggest the dreaded decaf?

  34. Currently, I am trying my best to GIVE ZERO Fs… However, I have a huge flaw when it comes to this. Sure I give ZERO Fs about pretty much everything (which is why my life pretty much rocks, because I don’t sweat the small stuff) but the second I feel like I am letting a loved one down… OH MAN – cue BEING A GIRL – I need to actively work on this, and it’s extremely hard! EXTREMELY!

  35. Marriage can be a lot of work – I’m still learning. We have the best of times together though… so when I’m pissed I try to remember that. And take a break. Stepping away makes me come back a much better person.

    Also, I’m going to roller derby practice for the first time in 4 years. Wheeee!

  36. I love your honesty.
    Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard.
    Social media could use a little more honesty.

    My currently…healing a stress fracture: instead of getting easier, it’s just getting more frustrating. (firstworldproblems)

  37. I think it is “burning new neural pathways” and it is harder than “they” let on. I think I’ve shared before that my marriage is in a similar place, but I haven’t said how beneficial it’s been for this non sharer to absorb, appreciate, and learn from your openness. Thank you for that. Habits are just killer, a therapist friend of mine always says “it’s reenactment” about those awful circles we make and remake with our loved ones. Good luck to us. Anita

  38. I currently feel like I relate to you in A LOT of different ways. The marriage stuff, completely. Did you RSVP for the BBQ doesn’t work for either of us really, at least not long term. I like the idea of learning something together. And, I also go through the 5 stages of grieving with everything!

  39. Currently, lately, i’m trying to line up extra work, concerned because the husband’s job search is only going so/so. Employers are slow, the bit of money you have to get you through the rough patch goes fast.

    • I wish I could help. And thank you for making yourself vulnerable as you DO always seem to be kicking a$$ and taking names. Especially as a mother xo

  40. This part of your post is so timely for me … “I told her how sometimes we don’t know what to say in the moment—and that’s OK. I shared with her how being nice is important—but so is standing up for yourself. I let her know I think it’s perfectly fine to “miss the moment,” return to it later and share your feelings have been hurt.”

    Today, a colleague of mine made a racist statement while a small group of us were discussing something during our break from training. We all heard her say it, and none of us said anything. On the way home, though, several of us riding together processed it and we all noted how shocked and appalled we were by this colleague’s remarks. We missed the moment, but that doesn’t mean we can’t go back and address it with the colleague at some point. THANK YOU for triggering an extended thought process on this for me, as my reaction to the statement is far from over. Those words hurt me personally, even if the statement was not directed at my own personal “race.” I cannot just let it go. I won’t let it go.

    • Ive emailed you privately—but thank you so very much. For being who you are and for sharing this.

    • Several years ago the president of my university made a racial joke at a private party. He was overheard by a member of the staff, and it went public. He was fired from his job because of that. I understand the error he made and abhor bigotry, yet he was the best president this university will ever have in every area including racial equity, All for an imperfect moment.

      • You make such a great point, too. We are all human and I wonder how he reacted when confronted with the fact his words were inappropriate? The older I get the more I realize ignorance is taught (and Ive heard some shocking stuff from the “old guard” at academic institutions. mainly sexist.) and how we react when others try to gently re-teach speaks volumes as well.

        • I think he expressed regret. He was always very classy in all his behaviors except for this as far as I know. He went on to become president at two other major universities, and probably was the best they ever had also. In my few discussions with him, I really like the man, and I was just one of many who did.

  41. If we were having tea (instead of coffee) I would tell you that currently, lately I am burned out.
    Burned out on trying to create a website.
    Burned out on trying to be the perfect parent for my son.
    Burned out on working a day job just for the money.

    I need a vacation from my life.

    • Your last sentence is so interesting as there’s that quote which has made its way around for years (paraphrasing) BUILD A LIFE YOU DONT NEED A VACATION FROM. Ive never “gotten” that. I get it 🙂 but I wonder if such a thing exists?

      • I have- I love my currently of part time retirement/working 30 hrs a week and triathlon training-mixed in with visits to my aging parents and taking them to appts./cleaning their house/etc. It’s what it is so I just go with the flow and embrace the time I have with family and co-workers.

    • I swear this seems to be the female lament of the 2015’s! Are men feeling the same way I wonder? Was it always like this and we just weren’t as connected to talk about it on a large scale before the internet?

  43. Getting a divorce was the best and most terrifying thing I have ever done- it pushes one to an independence and esteem one could never imagine while one is still in the mindset of “saving” something, that shouldn’t be saved if you’ve had the conversation about ending it….going to court and standing up for your kid and what they deserve is freeing, as well as knowing you are able to go out and support them with your OWN MONEY throughout college and beyond. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Do it.

    • And as far as fatigue goes, I’m up at 4 and at work by seven and work hard all day with other people’s children (for 40 years)- I sleep well. This too is a mindset-I don’t have TIME to even think about being tired.

  44. If we were having coffee right now I’d tell you that I am tired too! I’ve been going to bed early lately just to “catch up” and hope the coming weekend isn’t busy so I can slow down! Your post today is a good reminder that we need to make time for our spouses. We always carve out time for our kids, but think our spouses will understand. I’m going to make plans for a date night with my husband!

  45. Currently I am trying to heal and nourish my body, while also giving it rest, which I am struggling with. This tiny little island is forcing me to do it and it feels good, but I still need to give in more. I know once I give in, I will be okay!

  46. Here’s something to mull over (or not)- I work with women who last year had double mastectomies, know a mom who has cancer, with two little ones and it’s just spread to her lymph system, a co-worker who has a caseload of 70 (I kid you not) and four children of her own, and is care-giver to a mentally unstable older brother. They have not once complained about their situations…

    • Who’s complaining? You’re welcome in my house to hear the conversation—but if it’s not stuff you’re interested in you know how to leave. I know many people who are experiencing the sort of scenarios you describe. Im the go-to for many many people. This is my place to not support anyone but just be ME and share ME.

  47. I like what you said about coffee and caffeine. I admit that now that I’ve gone off caffeine I have a lot better of a focus on just how tired I get and when I really need to rest. It’s frustrating sometimes because I know just a cup of coffee would perk me right up, but I also like knowing that I am more in touch with my body. I’ve hunted for and found good decaf (yes it does exist!)
    I’m glad things are still moving forward with your partner. It’s amazing how you can fall into habits with the ones you love and not even realize what those habits might be doing in your life. Change is good. And scary. And good. I wish you all the best 🙂

  48. Well I don’t drink coffee anymore 🙂

    Why don’t you and your husband go to Galveston for a week without the kid and dog.

  49. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It is so reassuring to know that so many of us are in the same boat.

    I think it’s great that you’re putting forward so much effort in your relationship. I am hoping that this rough patch is over soon for the two of you and that you’re back to smooth sailing soon.

  50. I’ve always appreciated and admired your honesty in your posts. I’m sorry you are going through a rough patch(es) right now…I don’t know what that feels like, as I’m not married yet. But you’ve got support and hugs here in the blogging community!
    I also like your personal rule: “if I think about an interaction more than twice I need to say something”. I need to say something to a friend, then.

  51. I’d tell you that I feel like a big fat failure. I’ve gained so much weight even I can’t believe it. I’m going nowhere on the writing front and cannot find a job locally that doesn’t make me feel like I’m completely inept.

    On one level I’m happier here than I’ve ever been. I mean – I’m still single and alone almost all of the time – but I have more time, I have the ocean, I have my mum nearby etc. (No commute, long working hours, big city life.)

    I’m being forced to consider really low level jobs paying less than 1/3 of what I got as a project manager which is more demoralising than I thought it would be. The only way I can ‘think’ I can keep my confidence intact is by earning some money writing but I can’t work out how. I don’t want to do sponsored stuff on my own blog and am struggling to find other places to pitch to / write for. I’ve contacted some local businesses (about writing for their sites) but hear nothing back. And I’m struggling with the confidence to pitch to magazines etc…

    Gah!

    Meanwhile… I’ll just chug down my vanilla diet coke!

  52. I’m late in responding, but just wanted to say that I relate so much to where you are right now in your relationship. I am currently seeing a counselor ( DH doesn’t “believe” in counseling, sadly) and learning so much about the me that has been buried under wife-ing and mothering and housekeeper-ing for the past 32 years! And I am working hard – and it is HARD work! – to learn a new way of relating and being together, now that our primary focus isn’t on the kids. My therapist introduced me to the idea of living with duality: the feeling on one hand that I really love this man that I’ve shared my life with for 23 years at the same time that I’d like to stab him with a butter knife over all the petty stuff that comes up when you live together that long. I truly believe it’s worth the work, and know myself well enough to believe I will gain more satisfaction with being successful at rejuvenating our marriage than I would ever be with leaving it.

    We also make use of the daily texting to be in touch – we try to catch each other at 11:11 if we can, just our little thing.

    And I’ve been caffeine free for about 8 years now, but I do suck down a LOT of decaf coffee 🙂

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