National Adoption Month

by

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May 2006.

For the first few years of this blog (back in the MizFit days when the tagline was …at the CORE we’re all the same.) I never mentioned my daughter’s adoption.

A smattering of readers had come here with me via my previous Guatemama blog.

More than few readers (Id imagine? no one ever said anything) noticed our personalities matched a bit more than our outsides.

I never mentioned her adoption because she was so very little.

I never wrote about her adoption because it’s her story to tell.

And then, to my dismay, she grew older.

Even though she’s always known she was adopted (pictures of our time together in Guatemala are hung around the house) it was as she grew older she began to fully grasp the reality of how we became a family.

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She would ask to hear the story about how I moved to Guatemala to be with her.

She’d gasp appropriately (and, as the years went on, more habitually than anything else) at how I moved to Central America for a few weeks to return to Texas months later as we hit snag after paperwork-snag.

She’d grow contemplative as I’d detail how her dad would fly down and visit bringing her gifts (and beef jerky for me).

Finally she reached the age where she was old enough to grant me permission to share.

We’ve chatted before about the challenge of deciding if we should blog about our kids.

Now that she’s older for me it is all about getting her permission.

From photos on Instagram to stories on the Book of the Face I always ask before I share.

(which, given how much I share, begs the question: What does she say NO to? The answer is A LOT.)

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personal but not PRIVATE.

As she’s gotten older her adoption story has grown more complicated.

Her questions, as expected, have shifted from Tell me how we met! to the more challenging Why would my mom give me away?

I knew these were coming yet, each time she initiates the conversations (invariably moments before sleep), I feel powerless to offer any real answers.

Our conversations, which she’s not granted me permission to share, are filled with guesses and hypotheses.  I can offer her no real certainties other than the fact we chose adoption.

We chose to add her to our family this way.

(This has been a confusing conversation for her. Surprisingly in 2015 the more “make sense to child” answer is Yes Mama couldn’t grow a baby in her belly so we adopted you. A younger her took a long time to grasp we chose this path.)

The other night as we lay in bed she turned to me, pointed out a faint birthmark on her arm and asked:

Mama, does this say anything?

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At first I didn’t understand what she meant.

I mean is there a message here? I think it’s a message from my birth-mom.

What followed next was a short conversation about what the message might say (Gotta love 9. She was on to the next thing within moments whereas I was left pondering the very concept of birthmark messaging).

This interaction (which Ive been granted permission to share) has weighed on my mind ever since.

I know I think of her birth-mom daily.

I assumed she thought about her frequently as well and now know for sure.

I wont tell you a tale about how I believe she & I were meant to be together.

About how she and I are so flipping alike I believe it was divine plan for her to be mine.

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I’m all too aware there’s a thread of sadness to the fabric of her story we are only now beginning to unravel.

Together.

Instead, I leave you with this.

A lyric snippet from both of our favorite musical, Wicked.

A snippet which, for me, captures the complicated concept of adoption in a simple–yet still complex–way.

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Comments

  3. Alex and I would love to have children of our own, but we also know that it is a real possibility that we may adopt. Who knows? We might have the privilege of doing both. Because family and parenthood? That is a privilege.

  6. I have friends who’ve conceived and adopted, because that’s where their hearts led them. You are a fantastic Mom and I’m so glad I’ve been changed for good by you. 😉

  7. What a lovely story and I think it says a lot that she feels free to speak with you about her adoption and her birth mother.

  11. I didn’t realize your little girl was adopted – she reminds me of you when I see the two of you together so it never crossed my mind. I think it’s lovely that she knows her story and is learning more as she goes along and understands more. It was a lovely story to share (and those baby pictures make me want another baby!!)

  12. What a lovely post of love and Motherhood. Message in a birthmark is such creative thinking, I just love that. Your pictures are adorable!

  13. I love how you are handling all of this–it’s beautiful. I am adopted but don’t remember wondering about my birth family very often. Except when I was a teen and of course thought I’d rather be with them, whoever they were! ; ) But as an adult I am often asked about finding my birth parents and I always respond that there was never anything missing in my life for me to go find. I have the right parents for me and vice versa.

  16. I LOVE that you are able to share the full story or at least pieces because i still think adoption is on the table for us someday and I know we’ll have moments that I don’t always know how to answer.

  18. What a poignant story and such a deep question from someone so young. Yes, you were the perfect fit. You all found each other for a reason, and it will be beautiful to watch it all unfold.

  19. Beautiful Carla
    It gets more complicated because she gets more complicated, not to state the obvious, and that OK.

    I always considered my birth father to be the sperm donor (even long before the expression.) And focused on my birth mother. When I was angry at my mother I would take long bike rides and imagine my birth mother as a beatnik in Greenwich Village who let me wear my hair down to my waist and I didn’t have to wear shoes or go to school.

    Other times she was a princess and my father was a prince and their kingdoms couldn’t meet–very influenced by Cinderella.

    I’m pretty sure my mother knew. She never said anything. Just let me know how much I was loved.

    And when she died, I swear, I felt the umbilical cord falling off. Yet she was the least intrusive mother around. I just loved her that much.

  20. This is such a timely post for me. This weekend we met my husbands cousin’s daughter. She was adopted by a family and is now 17 and wanted to reach out and meet her biological family. We are a long way down in the pecking order, but still part of the story.

    It is something I have been thinking a lot about. Because as a naturally curious person I would have questions about where I came from. But as you said, adoption is never a full-circle happy story. There are elements of sadness and struggle, so how do you reconcile that? How do you embrace that part of your story?

    I have no answers. Just thoughts. But I love that you and Tornado share both sides of this journey.

  21. I LOVED this! Honestly, I personally do believe in the whole meant to be line of thinking. For me, it’s a plan God has already set forth for us.
    That said, your story and relationship with your daughter has made me believe that adoption is more wonderful than I ever thought. It’s something I now seriously consider for my future child.

  23. Beautiful post. No doubt the issue will be a life-long conversation. No doubt you two were meant to be together though.

  24. That’s a wonderful story, Carla. I’ve long liked that photo of you with your new child in Guatemala!

    My sister was adopted. Her reactions to knowing this has been interesting and sometimes funny over the years. She had several marks on her face when my parents brought her home. If they were a message from her birth mother, it is not a pleasant story, I’m afraid.

  25. The birthmark message….tears flowing!!! My sister spoke with my niece (who is adopted from China) about weaving of sadness into joy when they saw the movie Inside Out. She explained that yes there is sadness in her adoption story but without that sadness there could not be great joy as well. She’s 11 and I think about her birth mom (I’m sure not as much as my sister) and if she had been born now (with the new regulations around having two children) would she still be a part of our family. She and my daughter are like two puzzle pieces…have been ever since my daughter was born. I can’t imagine her life without her cousin.

  30. Thanks for admitting that it’s a confusing story. But oh, she must know how fiercely you love her for you to work so hard to have her in your life!

    (I also ran every story and picture of my daughter by her before I shared. She’s 21 now, so I don’t always ask her permission, but I still try to be sensitive)

  31. This is lovely. I’ve considered adoption as well for various reasons (the most important being that I still feel like a kid now and when I feel ready to have a kid of my own, my ovaries will probably be dried up, heh). You’re definitely one of my inspirations on how to make that a happy and successful thing in my life.

  32. What a beautiful and heartfelt story Carla and so beautifully written. You are both blessed to have each other. That’s all that will matter to her bottom line. I’m sure once all of her questioned are answered…or not..she will love past the asking and understand and know in heart that all that matters is the true love and connection. Thanks so much for sharing this with us.

  34. When i used to work at a crisis pregnancy center, a counselor there told us, “Women don’t give away their babies. You only give away what you don’t want. They lovingly make an adoption plan for a much loved children, sacrificing to make sure these children have the best life possible.”

    Maybe the small birth-mark is a message, a reminder of someone who loved her enough to let go so she could have the best life possible.

  37. I really appreciate you sharing your family story with us, Carla. I got a little choked up there!
    The question of if her birthmark means something is so so cute, for lack of a better word. Gah! <3

  38. I learned something recently about myself that made me start thinking about adoption. I am not in a place right now where kids are appropriate, but when the time comes, adoption might be the only option.

  40. Awesome that your daughter took knowing that she was adopted well … hope the two of you continue to have a great relationship!

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