5 Ways to Combat Adult Peer Pressure.

by

Happy Memorial Day and start of summer to us U.S.A.-types.

In honor of that fact, here are some tools in case you’re one of *many* dreading the pressure-filled parties and gatherings which often mark today.

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My personal first aid kit contains my drink of choice.

I don’t reflect upon my youth with a wistful “Ahhh if only I could go back there! Life was so carefree!”

It isn’t I didn’t enjoy it (I did–perhaps too much.).

I just recall how exhausting it was (friends, dating, school) even though with hindsight I can see how *not* stressful it should have been.

I strive to remember this when parenting: what may seem a *tiny* problem to my adult-eyes is a big deal challenge to a 10 year old.

Life as an adult-Carla, while fraught with responsibility, is far easier.

Growing into being unapologetically myself freed me in ways I’d never imagined possible when I was 16 and just wanted to melt into the background and fit in.

There are, however, two things we don’t leave behind as we age.

Two things which no matter where I’ve lived or where I’ve worked Ive found rear their ugly heads.

  • Competition (We still do this? Haven’t we realized there’s room enough for us all to succeed?).
  • Adult peer pressure.

The competition is a post for a different day, but the peer pressure notion is on my mind during this time of holiday soirees and indulgences.

This time of eat! drink! and be merry!

Oh.

Before we proceed any further I should share I don’t drink.

I used to say I rarely drank but lately even the “rarely” hasn’t transpired.

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back in the day I drank plenty.

There’s also no reason I stopped imbibing.

I ceased when dating a guy who didn’t partake and never bothered re-starting.

The way I felt the morning after drinking (some of which I now realize may have been gluten hangover) wasn’t worth it.

I’ve considered adding in red wine (health benefits), but I’m not a fan of the way wine tastes.

And I never think much about it.

Until I’m at a party. Or a book club. Or a neighborhood get-together. Or anywhere a group of grown-ups gather, alcohol is present & adult peer pressure begins to kick in.

People either ask what I’d like to drink (“I’d kill for a can of chemicals Diet Coke“) or offer alcohol (“No thanks. Got anything carbonated?”) and my declining invariably sparks questions.

You don’t drink?

(no.)

Is there a reason?

(no.)

Just have one. You’re no fun!!

You’re no fun.

It’s curious to me how often the phrase no fun is bandied about coupled with the implied sentiment of:

You’re making me feel guilty. Just have ONE drink!!

The more I’ve experienced this interaction the more Ive decided I cannot be alone in experiencing adult peer pressure.

The more Ive experienced this the more it’s helped me to unknowingly create an approach to combating this pressure.

It all boils down to five key things:

  • I don’t offer excuses. I’ve learned the hard way people perceive hearing stories/reasons as an invitation to talk me out of my NO. Whatever your NO spare yourself and others rambling explanations (Ive just started Paleo and… Im trying to lose ten pounds before my New Years vacation…). They’re frequently heard as invitation for debate. Which leads me to…
  • I practice a confident NO. If it makes you feel more confident arm yourself with the reasons behind your NO (food allergies, weight loss etc), just be certain you have confidence behind the two letter word. When I was a trainer many clients had eating plans derailed because they conveyed uncertainty in their food choices. Confidence conveys. If you seem wishy-washy others will view it as an opportunity to keep pushing.
  • I remind myself it’s not about me. We’ve chatted about viewing negative people through this lens and the same approach applies here. Yes you need to stand up to adult peer pressure with confidence, but as with youth peer pressure when others are confident in their choices they wont pressure you to join them. People feel group participation validates behaviors when they are uncertain about said behavior solo.
  • *I* don’t accidentally pressure. It took growing honest with myself to acknowledge *I* can be pressuring too. Sure mine comes from a place of enthusiasm (OMGOSH! You *need* to get a pedometer!!!) yet there’s a fine line between my wanting to share my love of something and becoming an unintended pressurer.
  • I seek positive peer pressure. This is a big one for me lately. Ive watched my daughter blossom due, in no small part, to positive peer pressure around her. Ive worked to surround myself with people I long to emulate as a form of reverse peer pressure (which now begs the question: Do they realize I’m doing this?).

For me, with the drinking example, it’s not hard to stay committed to my path.

I’m confident an evening of not being true to myself/listening to my body isn’t worth feeling like crap less than my best the next day.

In other adult peer pressure situations I stay true to myself because I know who I am and why I choose to live the way I do.

As with the rest of life it can take time and effort to shift to this mindset, but once you do it works.

Every time.

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Comments

  2. adults have enough issues without pressuring each other. thankfully i don’t tend to see a lot of peer pressure but luckily i know who i am and am confident in that. if they don’t like me because i won’t do something, oh well.

  3. I would never ask a guest to drink who told me they don’t! That is so rude. If I don’t know someone I always offer the variety of what we have and not just alcohol!? Seems logical but…
    I usually get the pressure over dessert because people think I don’t want to eat it (if I don’t because a lot of times I DO!) because I’m “training” or think it will cause me to gain weight or Lord knows what else.
    Looking forward to the post on competition!!! It can be nutty.

  4. Truth? I’ve never been a drinker. Sometimes I’ll nurse one glass of wine all evening but usually not. People automatically assume “oh you’re training” and that’s why I don’t drink. I go with it.

  5. I think I was stronger in my teen years because I expect to get the pressure more. I CAVE now LOL

  6. I think that, if the Real Housewives have taught us anything at all, adults are just as guilty of peer pressure as teens, and perhaps even better at the manipulation. Some people just never grow out of high school. If anything I remind myself of that when I am in those situations.

  7. It was probably at work- people know I don’t eat junk-but they push the cupcakes or cookies my way anyway. No thanks I say for the one-hundredth time.
    When I used to drive to and from the “Rez” with a school psychologist and some other teachers, they would smoke on the way home (not cigarettes). I ran after work, and would NOT cave-if I did, I know I would not get in my run. That was in the 70s-so I have had a long time to practice saying “no thanks”!

  8. This surprises me. My husband rarely drinks if he’s driving and we always have soda and sparkling water on hand. I often bring a bottle of sparkling water to parties even if I do plan on having a glass of wine, since I don’t drink that much.

  10. I seek positive peer pressure. —> hence why i read your blog and admire you.

    p.s. I will teach you how to enjoy red wine. Just a glass. I don’t go overboard. ;p

  12. I definitely experience this all the time, especially with parenting and kid stuff. Such as, your kid “needs” to do such and such or whatever. I hate it. I didn’t do well with peer pressure as a kid and maybe I’m just overly sensitive to it now! I’m with Lindsay in that I need to seek out positive pressure 🙂

  13. I do drink, in fact, I have 2 glasses of wine with dinner almost every night. But I don’t drink more than that. I’ve stopped going to the neighborhood gatherings here because I’m SO TIRED of the ladies making comments about me and my lack of overindulging on drinks, and yes snacks. Those parties make me crazy. The ladies all gather around the trough of foods and talk. I just can’t do it. I shouldn’t have to defend my choice not to overdo it. So I don’t go. It’s too bad, because I do enjoy socializing. But it’s just too awkward.

  14. UGH. I get that (even though it’s a crappy thing to do) people might say that type of thing when their 18 (or, um, 21 south of the border ;)). But I can’t believe that you’re still hearing that! People need to chill out. YOU DO YOU.

    I used to get adult peer pressure all the time to eat food. So I ate, and gained 40 lbs. The fascinating thing is that no one EVER uses adult peer pressure to get me to not eat, now that they’re satisfied that I’m no longer “the thin one.” Adult peer pressure is disgusting.

  15. I have never been much of a drinker. As a child of the 60s, I really liked weed, to be honest. Much better. So at bars when I wouldn’t drink, friends would say, “have a REAL drink” and that always puzzled me. Why did they care? I have never been subject to peer pressure, so that’s all it did to me: puzzled me.

  16. This is so pertinent this time of year. I don’t drink. I don’t care if others do. Many times people have tried peer pressure to get me to drink. Exactly like you state, the personal put downs, “you’re no fun”, and the it’s all about me statements, “you are making me feel guilty” , it is ridiculous!!

  17. Yes, adult peer pressure is a real thing. I don’t drink either – never have. When folks pressure me to have a drink, I just say, don’t like the taste. Most just let it go at that. Cute pic of you lol.

  18. I have the same exact problem! I don’t drink at all and it seems like my husband and I are the only ones who don’t. We don’t really hang out with anyone in particular because it’s no fun to sit and watch people get stupid drunk. I don’t have a problem telling people know because of the medications I take I’m afraid it will do more harm. I use that, but even before that it was something that I might do once or twice a year and now not even that. The world is full of drinkers it seems.

  19. I as well drink very infrequently and get the weird comments when I go out with people like I’m party pooper for not partaking. My best friend recently did this really strange thing to me. She demanded I go to her cousin’s Thanksgiving. I didn’t know her cousin and frankly, I already had plans to make a turkey at home (which had been thawed already) and to hike with a friend later. She got all crazy about it & kept demanding I go. I explained to her that no one tells me what to do anymore and just because I’m single you cannot expect someone to drop everything one day before a holiday to which she responded I was stressed out. She just didn’t get it that I wasn’t going to cave into her pressure even if she is my best friend.

  20. I have had a motto for many many years that sees me through many of these kinds of situations… LIVE LOVE LET… I allow other people to be who they ARE and so assume they reciprocate. I always act surprised when they try not to! It works.

  21. It’s funny that you should write about this because I was just thinking about this. I’ve kind of unintentionally stopped drinking. On occasion, I will have a glass of wine here and there but for the most part, I don’t really drink anymore because it just makes me feel terrible the next day. The only time that I’m really conscious of it is when we’re out with other people and you’re absolutely right – there is that adult peer pressure!

  22. Love this. As you know, I know this all too well but I also appreciate you brining up adult peer pressure even if it’s positive. I’ve encouraged more than a few women to work out or come to zumba class all in good meaning but maybe with some peer pressure attached!

  23. Adult peer pressure is everywhere. I think most of us have been victims of it. I usually go the excuse route to bow out of food or drink pressure. But now that you e drawn my attention to it I’m going to practice a confident no too!

  24. YES!! This is such a common problem…
    I always try to make sure I participate in Adult Peer Pressure. But it happens more than most people would think.

  25. I’m the same with alcohol as you, Carla! Never liked the taste so stopped early on. Now I have better reasons knowing it’s a poison. If I want the benefit of grapes, I eat grapes.

    As for peer pressure, I’m a Scorpio, lol

  26. We all say we are all grown up now but there’s plenty of peer pressure, even in midlife. I detest it and try to stay away from it but it still persists. The key is perspective and being who you are at all times. Thought-provoking post, Carla.

  27. ” I remind myself it’s not about me,” that fact alone is how I go about my day. It’s not mystery that I suffer from migraines, so when several people suggested medicinal MJ as a possible treatment, I was open to it, but uncertain. I tried it once and was stoned– it was awful. I have three children to care for and it seemed utterly irresponsible to me. I am not passing judgement to others, but for me personally, I would never get into a car and drive my kids ( and many times other peoples kids) while stoned. I would never allow my kids to get into a car with a Mom I knew was using “Medicinal MJ.” It’s a long story, but let’s just say, I have in the most loving way, removed myself from certain peoples lives. I realize this is a touchy subject, and that there is MJ free of TCH or whatever it is that makes you high, but I guess I’d rather get through the pain than to “not be on planet earth. “

  28. This really resonates with me right now. I’m terrible at resisting the party… it’s fun at the time but in the long run I often wish I’d made different choices.

    Great point about not accidentally pressuring too. I’m sure I’m guilty!

  29. I don’t have much of the alcohol pushing, but food pushers are out in force this time of year.
    I find that it is so hard to say no and have people believe you. And being Canadian, it’s a polite “nothankyou”….which seems to translate to “please ask me again and again and really talk up that slice of cake/pie/cookie etc etc”
    You are right, a confident, no excuses plain old No. goes a long way. It just gives you the illusion that you aren’t asking to be swayed and you aren’t looking to have someone to give you justification for giving in.
    Thankyou for helping me remember I have the power in myself to not bow to the peer pressure.

  30. I think you are so good at this (the withstanding of peer pressure) because you feel no INTERNAL pressure. You are not tempted in the least. But for those of us who struggle with ourselves so often, who really DON’T feel the “worth it”-ness of abstaining from various things, peer pressure can so often be that tug in the unhealthy direction. Indulgence loves company. And you are so lucky that it doesn’t FEEL like indulgence to you, it just feels like a bad choice or something that doesn’t feel good. There’s nothing IN it for you and you’re SO solid in that. If you could just bottle that sense of solidness, you’d be a billionaire!!

  31. Thanks for this! I hadn’t identified this behavior as peer pressure, but of course it is. I get it with alcholol (and when someone brings up “fun,” I generally say something like, “Not drinking is better than being sick. Or dead.” I may exaggerate somewhat, but it gets the point across. The pressure that I really hate is around sugar. “You know you want it” (No, no, I don’t.) “So that’s why you’re so skinny.” (Comments on my body are personal and unwelcome.) I know no one should ever have to explain a refusal, but people seem to accept “it makes me sick” better than no reason.

  32. OMG, yes, this goes on all the time! I drink less often than most people I know and sometimes get it over that, but mostly its about food. I eat a lot, and regularly and don’t usually leave the house hungry. Our culture encourages the ‘see-food’ diet, where you are expected to eat if food is available, but food is always available! When I visit people or meet for coffee, I find I always get pressure to eat, its very annoying. I try to listen to my body and if I am not hungry, I don’t eat!

  33. Hi,

    I love this post. It made me think. I am not that much of a drink at all. Months can go by before I will ever have a glass. I feel like most of my friends that I hang around with are the same. We might go out and one will say you know I can really use a drink and another friend might say I am not in the mood to drink. And we are ok with each others choices.

    As far as peer pressure I really do believe that there are some adults who do it. I find those adults are the ones that are insecure with themselves. I try to stay away from those people, because they also tend to be the most negative ones.
    Great post.

  34. Maybe i don’t see much peer pressure applied to me because i pre-deflect it with humor. Going into situations where i know i won’t really fit in by laughing at myself from the beginning seems to make people okay with it.

  35. Obviously I don’t drink bc I’ve been in recovery over 5 years, but when I first stopped it was terrifying. I didn’t know how I would live without it and I had no idea what to tell people when they asked. Now that I’ve grown into myself and am more confident in my choices, it’s easy for me to simply say no. I realized that not everyone is on a mission to shove alcohol down my throat and most of the time it isn’t even much of an issue 🙂

  36. I have had, over the past 5 years, about 10 alcoholic drinks after deciding to live without alcohol 99% of the time. I have heard everything you have from well-meaning – or irritated – friends. I have given up trying to explain that alcohol is something I don’t enjoy and I just order a club soda and that’s the end of it.

  37. Yes! I also don’t drink, and people seem to think it’s odd. I mean, I’m just not into it. Not sure why that’s so hard to understand. I don’t give in either, I am good the way I am. No reason to take part in something I’m not into or don’t care to be into.

  38. Loved this post, and very much agreed on “growing into being unapologetically myself!”–I’m definitely with you there! I hate when people constantly pit others against each other. I’d rather we all just help each other out to be the best we can be!

    Yay for a fellow non-drinker! :O

  39. Interesting about the alcoholic beverage thing….i grew up with an alcoholic dad and had/have absolutely no desire to drink because of it. Now when I am around friends who want to have a drink, they worry they are going to offend me. I always say, this is my choice and I stick with it, for me. If someone wants to drink, I don’t have an issue with it, as long as I can be their driver and they don’t have a problem with me NOT drinking!
    Peer pressure is a challenging thing to deal with, sometimes but I think if you are confident in your decision, it won’t be an issue. Confidence is key, though.

  40. Yes, this time of year can be quite full of peer pressure for drinking. Although I like to have some red wine here or there, I won’t have a glass if I know I’m driving later. Any other type of drink, I have to problem saying no. Migraines the day after are soooo not worth it! Let’s hope more people learn to stick to their convictions!

  43. I think there is an innate thing in many people to compete no matter what age. I have never liked the whole competition thing.. why I chose lifting & solo sports as an adult vs. teams that are hard core most of the time. I see it. I don’t like it. Sometimes you have to compete to get results or jobs or whatever – still don’t like it….

  44. I don’t get too much peer pressure from anyone anymore. I do tend to put it on myself by comparing – which is really hard not to do.

    I have found that I have a short fuse when someone does try to pressure me, particularly if you know they are not doing it for nice reasons (if you know what I mean).

  45. I wrote a post once about the consequences of drinking our calories – alcohol, fancy coffee drinks, and even lots of juice. One Facebook friend commented, not knowing I wrote the blog post, and said wow this person does not know how to have fun.
    I wonder why people associate NOT doing something -that has nothing to do with them – with it not being fun? ANYWAY. I love this post, and the fact that you mention confident no’s.

  46. This is something I deal with at every party I go to. I don’t drink either and it can be difficult with the judgment but as I’ve grow more confident in myself and my own decisions, it doesn’t bother me anymore.

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