Im too good at saying NO.

by

Years ago I believed the word NO to be a four letter one.

To bastardize paraphrase a now trite saying: I was quick to give others a YES! even when I knew, in essence, it meant I was saying a NO! to myself/my needs.

I didn’t realize a I misplaced YES was a disservice to the other person.

It took me decades to learn when I completed a commitment with a less than joyous heart I was doing absolutely no one a favor.

I taught myself to NO.

I learned about the margin-preserving power sparked by saying that tiny word.

I declined work opportunities which were not a true fit.

I gave negatives to school volunteer “asks” which weren’t my skill set.

I said no to social outings which didn’t sound enjoyable or which didn’t work for me.

I grew too skilled at the art of the NO.

Not only did my NO become reflexive (& my answer for things which scared me) I’d grown so protective of my boundaries I ceased even hearing/seeing opportunities around me.

I was only involved, never committed, and it isolated me.

Harnessing the power of the approach I’d used years ago to train myself to NO! (complete with silent mantras & mirror practice) it was now incumbent upon me to rehearse my YES!

I needed to invest time, identify ‘NO-triggers‘ and create habit loops.

First, however, I had to get honest with myself.

I needed to clearly and specifically define why NO worked for me NO mo’.

NO closed me off. 

NO! rocked when it came to creating a life where I never existed in a frazzled, maxed-out space. I’d come to realize, however, my current existence cried out for new experiences far more than safety, cushion or margins.  Unbeknownst to me all of my brazen, confident NO’s! had conspired to make me hermit-like.

YES led to more.

Recently Ive spent a great deal of time reading/learning about abundance (<—-foreshadowing!). My realization I’ve grown too comfy with the NO! ties into this idea, too.  NO! for me is born from a scarcity mindset. I’ve chosen to begin living with the backdrop of “What can I contribute here?” versus “What might I gain from this?” NO is a dead end. NO closes the door. NO is not abundance.

NO stopped Law of Attraction in its tracks.

I believe in the law of attraction. That said, even if it’s not your thing, spending one day living consciously make it exceedinly clear what we put out into the world flows back to us. The abundance of my NO’s ended my opportunity to both ‘put out’ into the world and to receive anything in return.

I’ve not totally lost my damn mind and entirely erased my margins.

I’m taking it slowly and, to that end, created new responses which facilitate YES! but don’t eradicate boundaries it took me so long to draw in Sharpie.

  • Yes! I think I can fit all that in later. (later being the key word)
  • Yes! Let me check my plans and I’ll get back to you with specifics. (‘plan checking’ allows me space to find a time which works for me)
  • Yes! That sounds amazing. Tell me more! (tell me more = a polite/subtle way of asking the other to convince me)

YES’ing, while not an overnight shift, highlights for me the challenge of achieving “happy medium” in life.

I’m taking small affirmative-shuffles forward and reminding myself how, with each YES! utter, I beget another.

And you?

  • Are you in the boundary-drawing, margin-creating NO! season of life?
  • Have you grown too adept at proffering the negative and slid into being a NO’aholic, too?

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Comments

  1. Definitely much better at saying “no” than I was a few years ago now that we live across the darn country from all our family and friends. Hahahah. It took me MOVING. It took a geographic shift for me to realize people will still love me – even if I say no.

    (But, in moving and being so far away, all I want to do is say YES now!)

  2. I’m great at saying ‘no’ the second time around. I usually start out saying ‘yes’ especially to school commitments with PTO but, if I truly hated it or really struggled to fit it into my schedule, when I’m asked again, I can easily say ‘no!’ It feels good too 🙂

  5. I believe in saying “yes” as much as possible, but framed in many of the ways you put forth. With the kids, it’s always been “YES, I’d love for you to do that (what they’re asking to do) but here is what I need from you before . . . and expect from you after. . . )

  6. Finding that balance is not easy, and i’ve noted that i lose it if i don’t practice in the same way i lose muscle if i don’t work at keeping it.

  7. I actually try’s to say yes when I can. It’s a line I try to walk because I know myself and can easily end of overwhelmed and frustrated. I do say no quite frequently in regards to blogging stuff (so many crazy requests out there!), but for my real work I almost always say yes, unless I really have to say no. Is that confusing enough? ?

  8. It’s funny that we spent so long learning to say No and stopping the people pleasing, and somehow we managed to take it to the other end of the spectrum and now we miss out on opportunities because we can’t be bothered saying Yes. One day we’ll get the balance right.

  9. Great Post Carla! Yes I am way too comfortable with No. I noticed I don’t get asked out as much to dinner at friends etc because I have said No so many times. I am saying Yes more with a caution of checking my calendar. I am also trying to ask more since invitations aren’t flooding my social calendar. Also I realize “What I can contribute” rather than “What can I get from this situation” is the reason many of the invitations are presented in the first place and I didn’t understand that.

  11. I am still working on finding a balance – definitely not easy to say no but also I have a tendency to say yes too much!

  12. Wonderful, Carla. I believe “yes” is one of the most powerful words we can use in life. You never know where a trail of “yes” can lead.

  13. This is SO me! Only, I was never much of a “yes” person. I hate doing stuff I don’t feel like doing or am not passionate about. I’ll say no just because I’d rather go to the gym or watch a baseball game, or because I flat out don’t want to commit to something too far in advance. It’s probably a bit extreme… I needed to read this today!

  15. Its hard to find a balance, may years ago I said yes too often and hardly ever said NO…now its the opposite..I need to find a happy medium. But I want to say yes to the right things at this point in my life..

  16. I love this post and everything you are saying. It is hard to find that balance, but “yes-ing” is just as important as “no-ing” for creating an abundant existence. Yes-ing opens us up to possibilities–and a well-placed “no” can create the space for the right”yes!” Great post!

  17. I was inspired by Tina Fey’s biography to say “Yes!” Now I say “I’d love to, let me check my schedule to make sure I can.”

  19. Carla – you have said it so well. As a people pleaser it took me years to learn to say no. Now I say it all the time and it has limited me. I need to be open to new opportunities. Great post.

  20. I would say I’m still in the boundary-drawing season of life where I do need to say NO. Especially at my new job, which I just started in August. It’s a job that can have long hours that are usually unpredictable. I am learning when saying NO is the best thing to do, because an item on my to-do list isn’t as urgent as I’m making it out to be.

    At the same time, because my job leaves me exhausted, I have realized that I say NO to too many social events. In that case, maybe I should start saying yes more often…

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