Must we denigrate others to feel better about ourselves?

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(Francis may view my tattoos as mutilation.)

Today’s thoughts mesh perfectly with my post about women and OLD-talk.

This is not the post Id planned to share.

Slotted to share was a blog where I waxed eloquently about our summer so far and how fucken awesome it’s been.

Until I stumbled upon a New York Times article and could not get it out of my head.

I’m a tremendous fan of Francis McDormand.

She’d always stuck me as confident, BRAZEN and unapologetically herself.

Raising Arizona, Fargo, Almost Famous, Wonder Boys,  Madeline—she represented to me a woman who BUCKED Hollywood trends, didn’t resemble the stereotypical actress and was happily confident about it all.

She reinforced for me we don’t need to fit a mold to be unstoppable.

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I’d erroneously thought we had the B-word in common.

For a while my admiration was a result of assumptions about her (she’s talented. she’s confident. she’s not changing who she is for fame and fortune!) and then, about 5 years ago, I heard an interview with Francis that shifted my life-perspective.

She shared (paraphrasing) her thoughts around how, for her, aging meant the young boys no longer looked at her, but it also meant she no longer saw herself through their eyes.

She no longer saw herself through their eyes.

I’d never heard anything like that before.

I’d been out of the dating game long enough not to care if young boys glanced at me, however, what she said resonated tremendously with regards to living with confidence as I aged.

I never feared aging yet her word choice (it’s freeing! I ONLY see myself through my own eyes!) framed the experience in a way I’d been unable to articulate.

Aging was about growing comfy in one’s own skin.  So comfy you absolutely no longer care what others think or do!

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F.McD exemplified bold confidence to me.

It was for these reasons I eagerly clicked to an article about her bearing the title: A Star Who Has No Time for Vanity.

“We are so alike!” I thought as I began to read.  “I have no time for vanity either.  I’m too busy embracing LIFE!”

And then I encountered the snippet below where McDormand talked about the abundance of plastic surgery in society (emphasis on the word mutated mine not the NYT’s):

“I have not —->mutated<—- myself in any way,” she shared. “Joel and I have this conversation a lot. He literally has to stop me physically from saying something to people — to friends who’ve had work. I’m so full of fear and rage about what they’ve done.”

I was stunned.

Mutated?  Fear? Rage?

Gone, for me, was the confident “I make the choices which work for me.  You make those which work for you!” woman I’d admired replaced by, to my mind, a judgmental figure.

While I remain inspired by her commitment to embracing aging in a place like Hollywood; I can’t relate to her absolutely judgement for those who choose a different path.

Mutated?  Fear? Rage?

  • I believe when we are comfortable with our choices we absolutely don’t care what others do as long as they, too, are OK with their decisions.
  • I grasp she may be attempting to “buck the trend” of plastic surgery in Hollywood, but believe she can do what works for her, lead by example and not denigrate others in the process?

I “get” it on an intellectual and feminist level.

There’s a vast amount of pressure on women to grow chronologically older and yet “never age a day.”

I also hope and believe we can choose to walk our own unique path without needing to denigrate others’ choices.

 And you?

  • Can we be “true to ourself“ (as the title indicates) if it requires we put down others to get there?

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Comments

  1. There’s never an excuse for judgement. Putting others down because of their choices is a huge step backwards. Live and let live. The ‘who cares’ needs to work both ways!

  2. I’m with you. There are many things *I* would not choose to do to my body (or with my life), but you are allowed to make your choices and it’s not my place to judge. People are way to “judgy” about other people’s choices.

  3. INTERESTING. I also really like the perspectives you share on aging and being confident in your own skin and decisions, regardless of others’ views.

    But I also completely understand your critique of HER criticism; it does come off as sounding a) judgmental and b) probably trying to excuse away her own decision not to do it, as though her not doing it is uplifted by putting down those who do.

    It’s the same way with food and fitness–those who care about these things or have strong believes about what’s healthiest must simply lead by example without criticizing others for their choices. Everyone has his/her own view on things and his/her own interests, and the purest form of confidence in one’s own lifestyle is one that does not require constant comparison, trying to negate others. If you’re confident in your own choices (whether to be an active individual or not get plastic surgery), it won’t matter one lick what other people choose to do.

    (Disclaimer: The only thing I *do* get passionate/preachy about is people actually THINKING and TRYING to find their own path–not just absent-mindedly falling into it.)

    My favorite interviews with celebrities have always been those in which they say, “This is what I do for those who care to know, but find and do what works for you!”

  5. THIS!! Thank you Carla. A wonderful post with the most important note — both that we need to be confident in our own choices so that what others may say won’t affect us, but also that those others SHOULDN’T BE SAYING ANYTHING! NO need to judge or tear down!

  6. Very interesting.
    I think often women want to do things such as Botox and are afraid so we put down those who do.

  7. I’m only 28 so my friends aren’t doing plastic surgery or anything yet, but I agree when I feel jealous of their choices I put them down.
    I’m not proud of that and I was caught doing just that recently.
    It took me a while to reaalize and be honest with myself too.

  8. I get what she’s feeling…that she wants ALL women to feel as if they are good enough without plastic surgery and it enrages her that people don’t feel that way (the same way it sends me in a tizzy when I encounter people who think a 800 calorie-a-day diet will help them lose weight..AH). There is a passion that comes with wanting people to see what WE see, and a lot of times I think that can come off as extremely judgmental. I’m with you, that we need to trust people to make the decisions that are best for them, regardless of what our beliefs are, and hope that people do the same for us.

  9. Oldest trick in the book, but I hope she is not really using it. I hope she is raging against society for putting pressures on women to go under the knife rather than judging those who do. I want to like Francis, too!

  10. I think whenever people put out critisism out there, it should be accompanished y some healthy skepticism. If it’s one thing I hate, it’s judgement but wĂ© cant escape it as it does help us guide through life, but it’s good to acknowledge that you may be wrong and you have to keep an open mind in general. I don’t think you’re being too judgemental, I think the very fact that you asked this question means yours intuitive to your words. )

  11. “I believe when we are completely comfortable with our choices—no matter the arena—we don’t care what others do as long as they, too, are comfortable with their choices.” — That’s at the heart of it isn’t it?! Insecurity’s companion is judgement – when insecurity creeps in, people look for security in judgement.

  13. you just said it –> “we can walk our own *different* path without needing to denigrate others’ choices.” Can we yell it out on the roof top now?

  14. I think there is a difference between judging the people who make a choice and judging or feeling angry about the unhealthy messages we receive that do lead some people to make those choices, as with the plastic surgery. It’s hard to separate those 2 things, and sometimes I know I’ve felt that someone who has a lot of plastic surgery is participating in that ongoing message. I don’t know if it’s me who is actually jealous that they have the means to do it (a small part maybe?) but I think sometimes I might actually be jealous of what I think that person’s experience is – one of a blissful lack of awareness of the damage the messages cause. I admit I’m not yet confident enough to march to my own beat without sometimes judging others who express values very different.

  15. For me the challenge is the word mutated too.
    If she directed her anger against a world where we feel the need to do this that would be one thing.
    It feels to me as though she’s blaming the victim.

  16. I, too, hope that her “fear, rage” statements mean that she is fearfull for society, rageful that women (and men) feel the need to “mutate” themselves to get by in our world. I hope that she did NOT mean she was fearful of, rageful of, those people who do mutate themselves, but fearful FOR them. I find myself judging others (did she even look in the mirror before she left the house) and then mentally slap myself upside the head. Who am I to ask that? It’s a learning process. I try to look at the other side of the situation. Try to see why someone might have said, done, acted in some way. So, I hope that her side of the conversation would be that she is fearful for us, not of us. Rageful at society, not at the people who follow through with the mutating. Or even, the interviewer took my comment all out of context.

  17. I think we do it because we (non-famous peeps) project our own thoughts and views on others, just not outloud. She gets more attention because she’s famous and said it out loud. She might really think that having work done is mutilating her body and she was simply being honest when someone asked her about it. I don’t know… it’s tricky… if you have an opinion and you keep it to yourself (until your asked) do you give your honest opinion (is that shaming?) or do you dodge it? Juicy topic for sure 🙂

  20. The minute we have to drag someone else into our mess/life/joy/love we have missed the point of the lesson life was trying to teach us. Using people’s bad situations to put our own in perspective and judging other people’s choices that are not our own…..these are really heart-damaging. I think this is an amazing post and you put everything in a way that had me nodding my head from beginning to end until I looked like a bobblehead doll.

    Sometimes I find myself thinking if people read more and then I’m like NOPE that’s a judgement on other people and I’m working on ME not them! =) (Yes I literally just cut myself off writing the second part of my comment. I’m clumsy with thoughts sometimes.)

  21. I’ve always said that I would do some stuff if I had the money & respect those that don’t or do… I think we all make choices for ourselves & it is our own life so…. especially like me who does what needs to be done in terms of exercise & eating & all that…. if it makes a person feel better, it is their choice…. and so many less invasive procedures these days… to each their own,,,,

  22. I have a little different take. We all judge the choices others make and compare them to our own. It’s human nature. It’s reality. We think it, we feel it and sometimes we say it, but mostly we don’t say it, aloud, anyway. We might whisper it to friends. It’s not like she actually said anything to them, she acknowledged her judgment. I’m more curious about her reasoning, why she used the term “fear” and the intellectual basis of her fear. Thanks for the thought-provoking post.

  23. I think the problem with her words is she’s assuming that other people do these things based purely on the need for others to see them as young, attractive, or desirable. Perhaps, this is because she is also using the “young boys” filter herself when she sees it, but in an opposite way. If this makes sense? These procedures are (mostly) elective and if it is important for a person to have them to feel better about themselves, so be it. It’s their business. It is sad to discover that a person is altering their appearance because they feel ashamed of their looks or feel like the need to look a certain way to gain approval from others; I don’t think that should ever be the motivation. However, regardless of the how or why, it is unfair to assume they are doing it because they feel they need to “mutate” themselves. I love Francis and I love that she wants others to accept themselves, but she can’t ask that this be on her terms and not their own.

    Awesome post!!

  25. Having had plastic surgery (a blepharoplasty, better known as an eye lift), I can say with 100% certainty that I didn’t do it for anyone but myself. I respect Ms. McDormand’s opinion and I agree with Carol Cassara that some things are meant to be thought and not said. However, I’ve seen Ms. McDormand vilified in the press for not dressing appropriately at events and not doing the “what are you wearing” thing, so clearly she has been at the receiving end of some really nasty comments. Bottom line is, I’m glad I’m not a public figure – the scrutiny is just too much.

  26. It’s her right to feel that way, it’s your right to disagree. And perhaps what is saddening her is not their choice so much as that she sees them feeling they must/absolutely have to make that choice.

    Perhaps if she thought they were choosing for themselves, not because they felt forced, she would feel differently?

    Maybe someone needs to ask her.

  28. To answer your question: No, we do not need to put down others. If that helps us feel better about ourselves, I think that’s a reflection of insecurities going on. I agree with you: very strong, judgmental words on Francis’ part. We don’t have to agree with what everone does but to each his/her own.

  29. great post. it’s so hard not to judge. I think it’s human nature, but to be aware of your behavior is a step in the right direction. As for self confidence, I tell my sons to beware of people who lack it. They’re the ones who can cause them problems.

  30. I hate the way women constantly judge each other and put each other down. It is often done in small ways that are meant to go unnoticed but the words can be damaging and hurtful. It is counterproductive to do this and sincerely makes me sad.

  31. You are a smart, sexy, sassy lady, and I love it! I just found you through LCCotter’s twitter. I think it’s impressive that you identified with her, but then recognized when you were both very different, and stood up for it. what you said about not judging others, I completely agree with, and applaud you. Thank you! So nice to ‘meet’ you.

  32. I might be temporarily take aback by what one chooses to do with their body, but it stops there. What people do with their bodies is their own business. There’s too much criticism in the air and not enough love going around. Judging someone for the choices they make with their body is missing out on an opportunity to known them and understand them.

  33. Everyone judges. EVERYONE. The key is to admit it, openly — as she did. You will never solve the problem in your head unless you’re willing to state what it is out loud.

    McDormand admitted to it. She was open and honest about it, not that it was good but that she did it and recognized that it was a problem. Without that — without acknowledging it out loud, where other people can hear you — the problem will never get solved.

    How damned perfect do your role models have to be before you decide that they are to be thrown into the trash?

  34. I enjoyed the way you wrote this. As for my thoughts….I think people should feel free to make cosmetic changes if they want. I would imagine she’s seen a great deal of surgery in Hollywood–some where people morph into totally different looking people or truly look plastic. It’s still their choice, but that kind of radical plastic surgery makes me feel a little sad when I see it.

  35. I’m also a big Frances McDormand fan but I actually get everything she’s saying (I get what you’re saying too). While I’m a proponent of the “live and let live,” I think it’s a sad societal statement that women feel so much pressure to be thin, look young, have big boobs, etc. I think it’s natural for women to want to go back to what they considered their “best state” (I’ve written about this and about not being the object of any young man’s affection). But I also think Frances is in a place where she can comment appropriately on the excesses of plastic surgery. I don’t judge women who want to feel/look younger. But I definitely have negative opinions on those that use plastic surgery to excess instead of finding more graceful ways to age.

  36. I’m sorry, but I still can’t get over this. Years of admiration, and it all shatters completely with one unguarded admission about a VERY complicated subject that you see as less than utter perfection. That’s awfully brittle and rigid. It’s disturbing to learn that there’s only room in your admiration for perfect, endlessly positive people.

    You have no reason to, but please don’t admire me. As an imperfect human being, I’m bound to touch off some tripwire somewhere eventually, and it’s not a risk I’m interested in taking.

  37. I feel like we are not being true to ourselves if we need to cut someone else down in the process. For me if I find myself thinking badly or talking badly about another person it is because of an insecurity that I myself am struggling with. I struggle to find a fault in another in order to take the attention off my own! This is why we need to be watching our motives…perhaps she was feeling badly about her decision to not go under the knife for whatever reason and had to so strongly react to others who did. Thank goodness I’m not in Hollywood!!!

  38. This post spoke to me in so many ways…as it’s a message we attempt to teach out daughters (Children) daily but see women doing the opposite. Why can’t we all just appreciate what works for US, instead of getting angry about what doesn’t work for someone else? We can’t get inside another person’s head to understand their “why” they make a drastic change like plastic surgery. However we can respect their decision if it makes them feel better…inside and out. Who knows how I’ll feel as I get older, noticing the skin shifting now Carla, and I smile at the “twinkle lines”. I have friends who love Botox already and others incredibly against it…whatever makes you feel complete and whole. Each person’s completeness is independent and unique, right?

  39. Was she judging? Or was that just her viewpoint on plastic surgery? I say if she’s passionate about it, let her have her opinion.

    • Mutated simply means “change or cause to change in form or nature”. Which is what happens with surgery. Perhaps its the negative connotation behind the word and not her actual words that are what’s offensive.

  40. YES. Such a really good point and clarification that I need to step back reread and sit with, too.

  41. Putting others down is the stupidest thing ever. I have someone in my life who is constantly putting me down to feel better about himself. He doesn’t even know he is doing it, but I do……… And it’s obnoxious. I brush it off with laughs because I know I am the SHIT, but it’s still annoying and downright sad – because man, he is a great person… He just needs to realize it himself!

  42. This is a tough one.

    I’m sticking with this: Whatever other humans decide to do to feel good about themselves is up to them and I will try not to judge. I will also accept that if I DO judge, then that is my ‘problem’ not theirs.

    • oh yes. I think that often about myself as well. There have been a few recent incidences where I almost immediately leaped to judging someone. I checked myself before I wrecked myself :-), paused, and realized it was all about me and had nothing to do with their actions.

  44. I too have always be a fan of Francis McDormand and her statement doesn’t change that for me, but I do see your point. Sometimes in explaining what we choose for ourselves I think we can fall into a trap of declaring,what we would not do, and throwing judgement at those who chose differently in the process.

    Thanks for the reminder that I can be happy with who I am without putting down anyone else’s choice.

  45. I love the conversation this post engenders. I’m a passionate lover of all things Francis McDormand. I love her brash, bold, brazen stance on aging in Hollywood and I don’t mind that she judges women who’ve had plastic surgery, and I’m one of them. (can you say browlift that I love??)

    Sometimes I think to change policy and effect change in a damaging paradigm we must get angry and perhaps overshoot the mark so we can settle back to something sustainable.

  46. I feel the older I get the more I am realizing I do not care what others think of me. I wish I knew this years ago as it would of saved me a lot of heartache.
    I hate how girls put each other down instead of helping. We all know the struggles we face as girls, so we should be more supportive.

  47. I couldn’t agree more – if we all quit worrying and commenting on what “so-and-so” did/wore/didn’t do……we would probably automatically feel much better about ourselves.
    I had a conversation with a friend just last week about the fact that sometimes in talking about someone who feels justified in judging others by saying they aren’t judging just sharing their beliefs we often end up judging that person.
    The conversation (confusing to relay but….) made me think about some of the things I say that really could be construed as judging or putting others down even if that wasn’t my intent.

  48. Those are definitely some harsh words. My motto “to each his own”. I may not agree with the choices and decisions that someone makes as it relates to their bodies, but I definitely won’t judge them. People undergo plastic surgery for so many reasons and it’s to personal for anyone to lay judgement.

  49. The first rule is never get to “know” inside and out, the people you admire.
    I have favorite authors, media-types.
    I prefer to put them in the light where I continue to admire them and not know anything about their personal life-that includes political stance, relationships or what they do in their daily lives. Everyone stays happy that way.
    Who’s Francis anyway? Never mind. I prefer to stay blissfully ignorant.

  50. This sums up so many of my own feelings. And feeling I have felt on a wide range of topics. Unfortunately I feel like this type of “non-judgement” judgement is really prevalent among women. And wish we could put all of that aside. If we made choices that made us happy and appreciated that others have their equally valid perspective we could do so much. Pretty sure girls could rule the world’

  51. I think I see it like you, I understand her judgement on an intellectual/feminist level BUT I feel it is important to not judge those who choose something we wouldn’t. Women (especially famous women) face daily criticism and focus on their looks, is it any wonder some choose to “mutate” themselves? I’d look more at the system then the individuals I guess.

  52. That’s her opinion. (Loved Raising Arizona buy the way. Found Cage that way too).

    Don’t you think the line between useful surgery and mutilation is blurry.

    Plenty of people have had reconstructive surgery like I do and are happy and better off because of it.

  53. I read that article, too. I remember wondering why she was SO ENRAGED by others’ plastic surgery. I mean, I can understood being disappointed or tired, but FULL OF RAGE? I was like, sheesh, she is not as “over it” as she is pretending- to herself and everybody else.

  54. There’s a time and a place for the word “mutilation” — and it usually has to do when someone does something to our body that we do not wish them to — such as female genital mutilation, or being attacked with acid. When it is our desire to change our bodies, there should be no judgment. To each their own.

    Sadly, we don’t live in a world where a person’s judgments hurt them more than they can hurt other people.

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