Im not supposed to write this post…

by

So, you know, lets keep it just between us.

or Ill get fired.

or Ill get fired.

The problem is, in a way I havent felt in a few weeks, I feel called to write it.

I have to write the story whether I share it or not.

And, being the misfit I am, Ive grown too excited not to share.

Allow me to back up.

(I kid you not about the *not supposed to share.* I found out the hard way it’s something of a secret who’s in the head pictured above.)

(I kid you not both posts are a celebration of the sweet sweet freedom pretty much no one in OAKLAND reads my blog)

  • After many many false starts it was time to shine embrace the TERROR Id had no idea would envelope me when placing an animal head over mine.

(I kid you not about sheer terror. Do we grow claustrophobic with age? I couldnt see. I couldnt *breathe.* The head is truly the closest Ive been to a full-on panic attack.)

I marked my debut as the child’s school mascot on my calendar and launched my fear-filled countdown.

You see, after donning the head in the photo above, PANICKING & yanking it off as quickly as I could I wasnt confident I could ever place it on again.

The mere thought of pressing the cougar-head over my own & PINNING it to the furry suit was enough to spark me to hyperventilate.

(I kid you not. As the child eagerly counted down days to her school’s Halloween parade I prayed something–ANYTHING!–would intervene so I didnt have to appear.)

Last week the day arrived. 

Halloween.

FINALLY!!! through her eyes and CRAPBALLS!! (<—technical term) though mine.

(I kid you not as I awaited the parade start-time I WISHED for an emergency to prevent me from attending.)

Im not in costume. That's my outfit.

 That’s my regular clothing. Im not in costume

Alas nothing intervened and it was time for me to make my COUGAR-debut.

I told myself I could do it.  I reminded myself of the POWER of moving meditation and the fact I could employ this as I ‘paraded.’

(I kid you not I outwardly panicked as they zipped me in the suit and affixed the head tightly to the body.)

I had an ‘out’ (another mom offered to do it if I “just couldnt”).

Problem was–more than disappointing the Tornado–I knew I’d be disappointed in *myself* if I didnt dig deep, focus on self-soothing & take the furry-leap.

And so I did.

(I kid you not I couldnt believe I did it.  I didnt think I could.  I spontaneously created a mantra of *you can breathe you can breathe* & chanted the entire time.)

 

When I was done (to my chagrin there’s no video of me dancing Gangnam style) it was a feeling of accomplishment unlike any Ive experienced in a long time.

(I kid you not Ive said this sentiment over & over to the poor Husband as no one else is *really* supposed to know Im the mascot.)

I write about doing one thing each day which scares me (pitching brands. pushing physical boundaries) yet cougar’ing showed me how *rarely* we grown-ups have the opportunity to do something which terrifies us and emerge the other side feeling UNSTOPPABLE.

(I kid you not. I feel frighteningly indomitable.  NaNoWriMo? PUHLEASE! That’s simple. I can see *and* breathe when writing! Whats to fear?!)

I was afraid.

I had no faith I could face my fear.

I faced. I conquered. (I shocked!)

I feel as though Im capable of *anything* right now.

And that feels fantastic.

 

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Comments

  6. Well, you sure pulled it off! Cougar’s got some MOVES! And it looks like you have a “handler” too. How awesome is that? 😉

    I feel the same about a certain hill on one our bike routes. Last weekend I went to bed fearing the hill. I woke up dreading the hill. Thank goodness the hill was at mile 3 of our 44 mile ride so I could conquer it and smile the rest of the way.

  8. 🙂 I love what yoga breathing has allowed me to do, it’s gotten me through a lot of scary things i now realize…maybe it’s just something to focus on or maybe it connects me with feelings of slowing down. Go mama lion!

  9. I LOVE IT!! And that lady who was sometimes dancing with you? She looks like your own personal security guard hehe…

    Fun fact: You know Auntie Anne’s pretzels? I used to work at one during high school and we had a mascot (Twisty was his name)… and our Auntie Anne’s shop sponsored this ball toss thing at the end of the minor league baseball games – so guess what was part of my job description at times? Mmmmhmm!

  12. You have a handler lady?
    I could do that job LOL
    I could not dance in front of people even with my face covered.

  14. Wow! You are amazingly awesome! I felt like *I* couldn’t breathe as I read this post.

    I recently went through surgery and when I came out of the anesthesia I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I have claustrophobic issues and that experience just made it worse.

    I would not have been able to do that! I need to go catch my breath! 😉

  15. You are really right.
    When I leave my comfort zone now it is not al that scary.
    I need to shake things up.

  17. YOU ARE AWESOME! I’d be scared too! Even if you’re covered up – getting in front of an audience and doing something out of your comfort zone is scary – you motivate us to all think that way – get OUT of the comfort zone I SHALL!

  20. I giggled out loud while watching this video. You totally rocked it. Way to go, Miz!

    Yes, I can keep a secret…but I totally suck at keeping my own…although….I have one of my own right now that I haven’t shared…even with my BFF. Perhaps I’m evolving? 😉

  21. From that video there is certainly no evidence of you being scared…you rocked that cougar costume!! Love that feeling after facing your biggest fear…like you are superwoman!

  24. HOLY AMAZING!!! I doubt I could do it although people say when they are in a costume or acting, they become someone else & not who they are in terms of fear – a great thing! You dance better in that than I do without that on! 😉

    Very cool!

  27. NICE WORK, Carla! I think there would be some fun freedom in having your head and body covered and you could just let loose! Of course, I always think that people in those mascot costumes are young men and feel like steering clear of them; thanks for proving me wrong. 😉

    Love that you are so involved in your town and kid’s life after moving there. Like Jim Elliott said, “Wherever you are, be all there.”

  29. Oh, my GOSH! That is so freaking awesome!

    I had to face a major fear of mine last week and ask my boss for a (previously promised) bonus and a raise. I was successful and feel pretty indomitable, too…

    …but yours looks like way, WAY more fun. 🙂

  32. As B’s favorite Mickey says “time to throw down your dance moves and lets groove”. It is so easier to conquer our fears when we are kids and teens, and a bit easier before kids come into the picture. Props to you for conquering this fear with grace and for having FUN with it.

  33. I haven’t had that feeling in a long while.
    I wonder if it is because I’ve stopped putting myself out there?
    I feel totally stoppable.
    :/


    • I can entirely relate.
      When the other mom said: OK NOW IS YOUR LAST CHANCE. WE NEED TO GO. IF YOU CANT DO THIS—I WILL!
      I thought: well cr*p. I dont think I can but if I dont? I fear Ill feel forever stoppable.

  34. Girl, you not only faced that fear, you made it your b*tch!! You go with your bad ass cougar headed breathing self!! 🙂

  45. You are too funny. I find it interesting that of all things we have accomplished and been through as adults, THIS is what you fear most. If this is what gives you anxiety and fear then I say you’re doing pretty good. Also, nice moves! It looks like you had fun, if not, at least the kids did!

  46. Congratulations! This facing a fear off the cuff even when i thought i couldn’t is what got me to quit being afraid of driving over bridges. Really.

  47. this is incredibly awesome, I love it! way to dance, mascot!!

    I have A Thing coming up that stretches my comfort zone – I will be completely out of it!! I keep telling myself it will be okay, I am prepared, and facing fears is definitely a GOOD thing. gets you closer to that invincibility thing, which is awesome.

    XXO!

  48. I have become a lot more claustrophobic with age, so I can totally relate to the panic you felt. What an amazing reminder to not let our fears stop us! I love how comfortable you look! Looks like you could keep going all day long… 🙂

  49. Hooray for conquering! I’d be afraid of drenching myself in sweat but this is the ATX. 🙂 There’s something about marathons and (successful) marathon training that makes me feel unstoppable more than any other type of race!

  54. This might be my all-time favorite post/video ever!!!
    You totally rock!!! I want to be just like you – OK?!
    Watching that video all I could think was, “the Tornado has to be beaming right now!!!”
    I’m so happy you shared with us!

  58. How cool- what a fun thing to do! I love stuff that allows me to do a good deed and have no one else know about it.
    And you are so right, we don’t get to do things that really push us to the edge all that often. Certainly a good thing to embrace as often as we can.

  59. ON the other side of our greatest fears is often our greatest joy!– Dr. J

    I once met the guy who did Albert, the University of Florida mascot! Not unusual to have 100,000 people watching him live and millions on TV! That’s serious mascoting, lol! I’m sure he was nervous until he did it a few times!

  60. That put a smile on my face and helped me put 2 and 2 together: I have fears that I have not been facing and the fear of getting my frozen shoulder unfrozen through very painful PT is what’s going to help me face my other fears. I mean… I have a choice…I could choose to just let my arm atrophy, but no way. I have to face the fear and feel the pain. It will be okay. Thank you!

  61. That was fear induced? If no one knows who you are (mask head) then what’s to fear? That’s how it is. No one really SEES you doing things that you think are being watched. Triathlon? End of pack? No one cares? Old lady racing in a bathing suit passing younger guys? No one cares or looks. If they do I am not aware-just do what you love and take off the mask while you are at it. There is courage in not wearing one. (I think you even said that once…)

  63. i love this post! something kind of related – i recently went camping for the first time (i’m not really an outdoors person, so i was initially scared by the idea) and ended up loving it. not only did i have a good time, the experience has inspired me to take a couple of risks in my work life that i’ve been avoiding/dreading.

  65. That’s soo awesome Miz, remember – do the thing you fear and fear will disappear. Well done on conquering yours 🙂

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