Living without regret.

by

I have a friend.

She and I live far apart but plan once a week Skype conversations.

A plan which means, as I’m sure many of you can relate to, we actually Skype every few weeks and text furiously in between.

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friend and family.

We’ve done this for a few years now.

At first, given how we met, our conversations focused mainly on work.

Finding work, pitching for work, marketing ourselves for work, completing said work, giving each other feedback on work…

As time went on, however, our conversations shifted to far more interesting topics.

Life. Family. Relationships. Goals. Dreams.

Each conversation was different, yet for my friend a single thread wove throughout all our talks:

I’m happy working the amount I do. I could work more and make more money, but this amount allows me to spend ample time with my family. That’s important to me.

The words she used changed each time but the sentiment remained the same.

She lived deliberately.  She lived her priorities.  She said no.  She drew boundaries. She was productive–she wasn’t busy.

I didn’t think much about these remarks mainly because they epitomized who my friend is: work as much as needed for bills etc and seize the rest of her time to LIVE and be with loved ones.

Recently this same friend experienced an unthinkable loss.

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In the shocked haze of the days immediately following we had a conversation.

My friend shared words I only hope to be able to say about my entire life let alone possess presence of mind to think following such tragedy:

I have no regrets.

Since that conversation I’ve questioned whether I’m living my life such that I’d have no regrets were the unimaginable to happen.

I’ve challenged myself to define exactly what regret means to me (a sense of sadness over what might have been or a wishing I could undo a past choice).

I’ve spent my morning pages pondering how I could be more like my friend and live mindfully and without regret.

Most days I think I’m doing OK.

Most days I know I could do better.

Over the course of my morning writings I’ve written ways I’m striving to live a regret-free life.

Efforts which distill down to five things.

  • No comparisons. We talk about this frequently, but it bears repeating. Comparison really is the thief of joy. Comparing yourself to others. Comparing yourself to the YOU you once were. All of it conspires to ignite regret and make the life we are living feel not enough.
  • Define what you want. As a one time career coach I find this one to be pivotal.  If we don’t spend time defining our goals we are guaranteed never to reach them and to regret a life unlived. If we ourselves aren’t clear what we want out of life, invariably anything anyone else has looks better than what we’ve got! We quickly spiral to regretting not having that (whatever “that” is) ourselves.
  • Grab fear by the hand.  Nothing sparks regret more than longing to do something and being too afraid.  In that instance we are all but guaranteed to look back and think: Oh I should have…. Making fear your friend wont ensure you will live a perfect life, but it will make certain you wont miss opportunities because of trepidation. You wont reflect and regret letting fear hold you back.
  • Fail, quit, learn.  I’m a staunch advocate of quitting.  Quitting, when you’ve realized something isn’t a match for you, opens space in life for something new. Facing “failures” with the attitude of: OK what can I learn here? prevents a sense of regret due to squandered time and effort. F, Q, L helps us transition to the attitude of: You win some, you learn some.
  • Remember the windshield. It’s huge for a reason. Glance fleetingly in the rear-view mirror.  It’s tiny for a reason. Keeping our eyes focused forward (with memories of the past and lessons learned firmly in place) helps us to fully live and embrace life regret-free.

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life without regret is life with margins.

I don’t know if these steps/this approach is how my friend learned to lead a regret-free life.

I don’t know if she was simply born knowing intuitively how to live this way.

I do know when faced with tragedy and the emotions that come with it regret was not one of them.

Very few of us would be able to say the same thing.

I aspire to be able to say the same thing.

  • Are you living a life which is mostly without regret?
  • If not, have you tried any of the 5 approaches to change course as your life continues?

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Comments

  1. Wow. I’ve been stuck for a few years. I want something else but I’m not sure exactly what. And fear. Fear is the big thing. I’ve always had the “safe” career with the 401k and paid time off. Leaving that safety net freaks me out!!

  2. I am very sorry for your friends loss and yet inspired by the way she lives her life.
    I know I could not say the same right now.

  3. My mom died when I was 17 and I had many, many, many regrets about was said, what was left unsaid and how I spent my very few years with her. Because I went though that, I live knowing (with a fear???) that health is everything. The way I spend my time with my kids is everything. I’m not always making the right choices and decisions but I have the awareness and it certainly helps.
    I cannot imagine what your friend is going through but for her to make that statement tells me she is an amazing woman.
    xoxoxo

    • I can certainly identify with regrets after the loss of a parent. I didn’t lose mine quite so young as you, however, and thus have more years of memories AND regrets. My husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer almost three years ago, the average life expectancy after this diagnosis is 4.5 years, so we are on the downside, which scares me to death. I swore there wouldn’t be any regrets, but I know there will be. I think it’s impossible to live without them unless we are too arrogant to believe we can make no mistakes. But I do remain aware that he won’t be here forever, and I never pass up a chance to hug him, to tell him how much I love him and I really try to live in the moment.

  4. I think your friend experience is what we all want for our entire lives.
    I’m so sorry for her loss, but she is amazing.

  5. I used to regret the decision that I made to go to Columbia. It was incredibly expensive, and it turns out that I got the wrong degree and, ultimately, the opportunity didn’t seem to lead anywhere that I wanted it to. But I have, over the years, gained a new perspective on the experience, one that allows me to be thankful for just that: the experience. The chance to grow as a human being, the have memories, relationships, and, now, the new perspective that I can take with me to the next experience that doesn’t quite work out.

  6. I love this. I do try hard to live without regret. I’ve recently begun to figure out what I want and if my current situation is moving me in that direction. To that end, I’m beginning to set boundaries on things that aren’t doing that. Once again, your post is perfectly timed for what is in my head.

  7. So sorry to hear. I think that she has an amazing positive attitude. I love the windshield idea. Looking ahead is something I need to be reminded of.

  8. This goes very much in line with something someone told me yesterday when I posted some pictures I of an old homestead I came across while running Monday. I took some pictures of bits of broken china and crystal and talked about dreams that are long forgotten. The comment was “This reminds me that life is short and we need to live it” Your post compliments that perfectly as I have had that in my head all night. I don’t want to have regrets. My daughter was also bemoaning something about the what the other kids would think about something and was all upset (I think it had to do with her hair) I looked her in the eye and said “Don’t you ever give a fuck what other people think about how you want to wear your hair, do what makes you happy” She laughed and we had a long conversation about it.

  9. Yes. Something about turning 40 made me examine and create a life that feels…good. I am lucky to be able to do so but I also know it was only by making different choices that it has happened.

  10. When I turned 50, I made the conscious decision to live the rest of my life with no regrets. The hard part for me is having a husband (who I love dearly) who is very content to just watch life pass him by. I’ve had to accept that he is so different than me. He’s willing to let me chase my dreams (to a certain extent). Sometimes I get frustrated with him, but I have to realize that this is his choice.

  11. I too am doing my best to live each day without regrets. Life is fleeting and so short that I have focused on family and friends since moving back home, savoring each moment I can have with each of them. Sometimes this means walking a race with my mom instead of running it alone. Other times it means taking a step back from work to ensure I’m being effective and efficient but not wasting time. It isn’t easy, but slowly but surely we’ll get there.

  12. I feel like I’m getting there – this year has been a turning point for me. No more living with an eye to the future while sucking up stuff in the present. I’m more focused on living in the “now” and finding my joy now rather than in the far distant future. Glad you’re coming to the same conclusions 🙂

  15. I guess I just thought regret was part of life
    I don’t know I’ve ever considered that I won’t live without a lot of “what ifs?”
    Thank you for this post.

  16. Your article came at such a good time…very fitting for me right now! The comparison thing – I need to get over that. This is what gets me hung up every time and then I have regrets. I need to read this over again, so it sinks in. Thanks Carla!

  17. I am deeply saddened by her loss. Everyday I think of her.

    We have a family friend that is slowly going through the same thing and it makes you think doesn’t it?

    My priorities over the years have changed and it is now more important than ever for me to focus on my family. I have been doing that lately and I see the difference it’s making in all of our lives. I used to want to travel the world ( still do) but just not my focus these days. I love my family and as they age into little adults, I am becoming closer and closer to them. Life is so fragile. I try to savor each moment. I have my little regrets here and there, but for the most part I feel satisfied that I am living to the best of my ability. Joy for me is in the small things.. it doesn’t have to be some gigantic loud life.

  18. Yes! If something isn’t working in our lives, we need to change it so we don’t come to resent it or regret not doing anything about it.

    We also have to be the master of our own lives—and not just let things passively happen to us or do things just because they are the norm, without questioning if it’s right for us… or we will end up regretful.

  19. I’m making progress. I am also a firm believer in quitting, if something isn’t feeding your soul. I find some fun new opportunities show up just when I decide to change track.

  20. Being given a second chance to turn my life around, I’m trying to make the best of it and live to the fullest. I definitely regretted my past for a long time, but then I learned that it’s what makes me who I am and makes me strong. Today I can say I’m grateful for everything that has happened bc it allowed me to become the person I am today!

  21. As tragic as Tamara’s situation is, I am SO happy that she can say that. What an amazing woman she is.

    I feel like a broken record, but again, the living with no regrets approach is something that has come with age for me (isn’t aging a gift?). Your point about quitting–exactly why I am not blogging any longer. And it has been such a great move for me from a writing standpoint.

    Lovely post, Carla!

  22. Beautiful post. I am so sorry for Tamara’s loss of her daughter. Our eldest son died when he was 25. I was told frequently that I should not have resigned when he was born, that I had a promising future and career. I was always asked “was I working?” He had six surgeries after he turned 18, I didn’t work outside the home during that time either. We raised kittens, talked, read together, time I will never have again. We don’t have much savings, we live in a house that needs major work, but I have peace in my heart that I was there for him. He was my very heart. Money cannot buy those memories. Now we live one moment at a time. We have learned to set boundaries, we say “no” frequently. We make our own rules for the holidays.

  23. Great post & just saw that windshield quote on IG this morn & screen shot it to share later. I wish I was living without regrest. I try but my past mistakes affect my every day. I try my best though. I just have to do what I can with what I have & that means bills so… well, sometimes I just have to make the decision that is not always the best for me mentally…

  24. I guess I was raised to expect regret. Not in a bad way only in the sense of no one can “have it all.”
    This has given me much to ponder.

  25. As always a very good discussion of an issue.

    I’ve thought before about two phrases people seem to use. Live with no regrets and live life to the fullest. To me they are both nonsensical.

    Feeling that, I don’t dwell on regrets and use them as motivation and see my living life as best I can with high goals.

  26. No regrets- living the life I was meant to and hoping for the best for your friend-
    But as you talk about spending time w/young ones I wish I had had more time w/daughter when she was younger. Sadly her dad was out of work a lot and then he left for “greener” pastures, so that put me financially “in charge”-meaning working full time. It was a part of my life I really wish I could change-hopefully we are making up for it now….she’s 28 and likes to hang out. Can’t wish for anything better than that!

  27. I seriously think I need a tattoo of FQL, it so perfectly describes my past few years. Sometimes I feel like I’m never satisfied, but I know that finding what’s best for me is the most important, even if that means giving up on some things in between. I don’t want to look back and have regrets, so I love the windshield and review mirror analogy. You’re right, the rear view is small for a reason.

  28. This post is worth printing and passing on. I will share with my children and grandchildren.

    At my age I know that living with regrets is foolish. This is what I do:

    Number 1- face the fact that the past does not exist anymore
    Number 2- face what is bother you and admit that it cannot be changed.
    Number 3- make amends
    Number 4- move on.

    Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful article.

    b+

  30. When my ex lost his daughter in a sudden car accident, he said “our relationship was complete. Nothing that needed to be said was ever held back.” I have always remembered that and tried to live by it. ‘Complete” relationships.

  31. Reading Tamara’s story just breaks my heart. I can only pray I never have to experience the loss of one of my children. It’s amazing how differently you empathize with a parent who’s lost a child when you have children of your own.

  32. This post has my mind really thinking. No regrets. I don’t know…do I have regrets? Sure I do. But, I like to think I’ve gotten better at not having them. Or at least not as much.

  34. I can’t express how good it is to know that T doesn’t have any regrets. I think there are things I might have done differently, but I also know that I did the best I could as the person I am.

  35. In going to remember the point you made about the rear view mirror being small for a reason 🙂 ahh this post is so inspirational! I haven’t put much thought into whether or not I have regrets. I think as I get older they’re more just “wonderings”: hm, I wonder what it would’ve been like if I went to physical therapy school, but no true regrets. I appreciate where I am right now, and wouldn’t have it another way 🙂

  38. “Fail…Quit…Learn” this really resonated with me…I definitely do not think I am living life to the fullest right now. I am worried too much about the little things, when I should be taking chances…following my dreams…believing in ME and what I am capable of! XOXO

  39. Wow, amazing piece.
    I am really trying to figure out what I am going to do job wise.
    Right now I am just drowning under it all. Full time teaching job, blogging, social media work, plus teaching online courses, and taking on run coaching clients. I cannot do it all, but I am so broke I cannot afford not to. hmmm…..

  41. I’m definitely NOT living a life without regrets. I think I’ve made some changes in the right direction but am still scared about some of the decisions I’ve made.

    As for the others… I need to take a leaf out of your book and can most definitely relate to your suggestions.

    Deb

  43. You have managed to sum up the keys to a successful time and activities management in just one short article. I agree with the learning to quit part. Sometimes it is just not worth striving to ‘make things better’, you just have to take the lesson and move into another direction!

  45. Inspirational. This is worth sharing. I’m sorry for her loss but she is definitely a strong woman and an inspiration. Thank you for sharing her story 🙂

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  6. […] You Be More Mindful via Kara Lydon 11 Things I Wish Non-Crossfit Girls Knew via Karma Crossfit Living Without Regret via Carla Birnberg Nutrition And Grief | Tips For Helping Those Suffering From Loss via Fit Knit […]

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