5 Myths About Adulting.

by

I can't adult today

 true MOST days.

99% of the time I’m grateful for all I have.

I know my life is (comparatively) easy.

I’m aware many pray for things I (could) take for granted.

Even with all that awareness I’m gentle with myself.

Everyone has a hard and, although mine isn’t as weighty as some, it’s mine and it can feel cumbersome.

It’s during those moments I find solace in the phrase:

I can’t adult today.

It’s on those days I walk the Child to school, statement mason jar firmly in hand and display this message to all the big people I see:

I can't adult today

And then I’m fine.  4 words are all it takes for me to yank on my big girl panties and do it another day.

A public acknowledgement (offline or on) this Adulting is *not* what it’s portrayed to be.

A public announcement of  I’m over it for today. Tomorrow? I’ll let you know.

I’ve become linked to this phrase, too.

Tweeted funny Adulting quotes. Tagged in photos. Emailed articles.

And I love it.

And I had to write my own.

adulting

Myth #1: Adulting is all candy in the checkout line.

This myth has been served to us literally and metaphorically.

As a child, when I waited in the Giant Eagle (shoutout to you, Yinzers!) checkout line, I remember thinking: When I’m big I’m buying all the candy.

I drooled over the sweet stuffs stacked next to me and couldn’t believe *my* Adult wasn’t tossing sugar on the conveyor belt just because she could.

Adulting seemed the ultimate in freedom. You could drive (anywhere! anytime!). You could chose what you did all day and what you ate/drank while doing it.

Sure I had a vague sense Adulting might not only be back-to-back Love Boat/Fantasy Island episodes (shoutout to you, Gavin MacLeod!) while sticky with Lik-m-aid Fun Dip–but I definitely thought there would be more of that happening than there is.

Myth #2: Adulting is bossing people around.

I learned this myth untrue immediately after college.

I was a low-level retail employee (had a boss) while I was simultaneously in graduate school (many professors. many bosses).

Everyone told me what to do. I told no one what to do.

It’s only gotten bossed around’ier from there.

We adopted a child who quickly earned the nickname Tiny Dictator (AKA The Boss of My Sleep).

I chose a career path which supplies me with multiple clients bosses and zero underlings at whom to bark orders.

The child became school age and her teachers inexplicably become the boss of me as well.

When we’re young it seems, by virtue of the fact you’re a big person, Adults possess all the control.

Once we grow into actually being the big person we realize this is all an illusion myth.

A myth which gave birth to one of my fave anti-Adulting quotes:

I’ve wanted to run away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.

Myth #3: Adulting is dressing like you want.

Ahhh (my) youth.

Trying to get away with sneaking out whilst wearing too tight Sassons and Jordaches.

My teens were also spent appearing mere moments before it was time to leave for the bus stop, hoping to escape unnoticed and being sent back upstairs to scrub my face clean of make-up.

Back then I bought into the myth Adulting was being free to wear whatever I wanted and to paint my face entirely how I chose.

This is a complete fabrication and, concurrently, not one at all.

As an adult you can dress & paint-up as you choose…you simply need to remember people will judge you for it.

I believe in leggings as pants.

I consistently look as though I’m headed to the gym when, at the moment, I don’t even have a membership.

For me being a kid was knowing people judged me by how I dressed and not caring.

Adulting is realizing people still judge, still not caring and yet *still* (heavy sigh) being aware my sartorial selections impact more than just me.

The jobs I’m chosen for. How people perceive our family. Assumptions people make about my Child.

And that’s all before one considers the many inane Things A Woman Shouldn’t Wear After Age 40 articles being written.

I can't adult today

yep, I own multiple versions!

Myth #4: Adulting is “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life!”

There are rumors (like unicorns & bloggers who make 6 figures with a 40 hour work week) of Adults who live this myth.

I bought into this one, created a business, loved what I did and adored the people with whom I worked.

Worked.

As we Adult we may be gifted opportunities to do what we love. We still work hard every damn day to succeed.

I think this myth is why, when wearing my Adulting tee, I receive (positive) comments from men and women.

In fact, when I’ve donned my I cant ADULT today for school drop-off, it’s dads who most often laugh and make comments of assent.

Perhaps the line would be less myth’y if taught to us like this:

Do what you love and you’ll probably end up hating it finding you love it just a tiny bit less. So keep that in mind.

Myth #5: Adulting is no longer needing a Girl Squad.

Whether you rocked the formative years or look back on them sans-fondness I think we all agree it helped to have friends.

From middle school onward nothing made us feel normalized and protected like a tight circle of females.

We needed peers to hangout with and to seek advice from when we struggled.

I falsely believed– somewhere between graduate school and motherhood –I’d discover a me who was fine rolling solo.

A Carla who trusted her gut, lived intuitively and no longer needed to bounce every Wait, is this normal?! experience with the Child off someone else.

I was wrong.

Even more than when I was younger I lean hard on my tribe.

Adulting, I’ve learned, is being a duck (calm & cool on top of the water. flailing like maniac underneath) and demands a flock of friends around whom you can let it all hang out and get crazy *above* water.

Adulting is needing connection with other women and processing life through sharing with friends.

Younger-me could have taken or left her girl squad. Adulting-me cannot live Adult without it.

rsz_screen_shot_2016-01-31_at_51411_am

own. worn once.

As I wrote this post I wondered if, thanks to mass appropriation of this silly phrase, ours will be the final generation surprised by how hard Adulting really is?

I hope, even if future generations aren’t surprised, they still choose to wear the tee shirt.

And you?

  • Have you, too, been surprised by The 5 Adulting Myths?
  • What might you add as Myth #6?

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Comments

  3. I’ve never thought about this at all….now, I have to go, get in my 2000 yards in the pool, and be at work by 7. It’s called responsibility and being a part of something much bigger than myself…maybe what you call “adult-ing”? I thought it was a noun…silly me.

  4. I saw this in action with me, and then with my now-adult son. I can apologize for laughing at it from time to time, after what he put me through as a teenager (when he knew everything). Things change as we grow older, too. Just wait until we see what adulting means in our 80’s, which I am getting lessons on now from my mother in law.

  5. This is a great post and thank you for sharing. I can definitely relate to “needing a girl squad”. I feel as if my friends are there for me when I need someone to talk too.

  6. Wow do I EVER love this post! Since my daughter is in the College Program at Disney World, there is a lot of talk on the parents’ page (how did anyone ever survive without Facebook pages targeted to their particular angst?!) of the fact that our young people are now in full-on “adulting” mode …. or “learning to adult” mode. Probably not unique to our group, but the term “kidult” is catching on. It’s hard not to want to rescue them, but the program sort of forces it by (gasp!) making the kids handle everything (i.e., a parent can’t intervene when their child has a fever and can’t go to work or has a squabble with roommates or … any of it …. our helicopter rotors are rusting away). ANYWAY as to what I would add? I’m not sure how to phrase it but I think it’s that I would have unlimited money (probably from the well-heeled spouse I planned on marrying ….. I would spend HOURS going through the Sears Roebuck catalog (I know, retro), determining that I would NOT just buy the “good” items (I think the hierarchy was good/better/best) but that I would ALWAYS get the best — the biggest challenge would be which color to choose. SIGH. 🙂

  7. 100,000% yes to this! My kids are always in the check-out candy saying “when I’m an adult…” and I just knowingly laugh and shake my head and think I should just let them buy all the candy now because it won’t happen later!!!
    And I couldn’t agree more with the “do what you love” because when I owned my personal training business I absolutely started loving it less! And writing has become scarier then it ever was because judgement… *sigh* At least I have my girl squad to raise me up 🙂

  8. Except for the fact that I can eat icecream as a replacement for any meal and no one will ground me, I really don’t feel like the responsible adult I know I should feel! I’m still waiting to grow up! Is that wrong?

  9. Myth #6 – When you are an adult, you’ll know the right decisions to make.

    I always thought I’d grow up and things would make sense and I’d know when to choose to get work done on the house/the trees/the cars. And that I’d always know the best options for my kids. And that I’d feel confident with my ability to adult.

    Umm, nope. I actually feel like I’m faking it as an adult most days. I’m one of those adults who looks around the room for someone “adultier” than me. Ah, well, fake it to you make it. Maybe when I’m 50 I’ll start feeling like I’m the adult in the room. Probably not.

  10. These are all so true. Especially #5. Maybe a truth is that you are your own boss, but the ugly reality behind that truth is that you have to make yourself do things you may not want to.

  11. First of all, LAMO on the last sweatshirt “like new” condition. Second, ahhhh tight Sassons back when we all actually wore baby fat well because it was young and firm. Third, adulting is over-rated in many ways . . . .but would never want to be THAT tween/teen girl again

  12. In my mind, you need your squad more than ever as an adult. More than ever.
    Adulting is not getting to stay up super late. Adulting is falling asleep on the couch!

  13. Without scrolling all the way back up, I’ll say I particularly love your observation that you can do what you want, but you WILL be judged.

    I would say one of the biggest challenges of adult-ing is in that pearl: you can’t stop people from judging, but you can realize when you’re making their view of your decision/behavior more important than your own gut decision and start being a better friend to yourself.

    As for squashed expectations of being grown up – mine is that I would be thrilled not to be told when to go to bed anymore. Now I don’t want to feel pressured to stay up when I’m tired. It’s not like I put on pajamas to end a dinner party, but I am in love with good sleep in my beddy-bed.

    And finally, I love, LOVE your wisdom and insight, Carla. Many a day I’ve thought back on your words.

  14. Carla, you blew those myths right out of the water! Adulting ain’t all we thought it was gonna be…but honestly, I wouldn’t be 20 again if you paid me! We may still struggle with certain things (under the surface, at least, like ducks), but we DO acquire some self-knowledge and insight and confidence that were sorely lacking when we were younger. And yet, we still have those days when staying in bed with the covers over our heads seems like a good default position. That’s when the t-shirt/Mason jar sure come in handy! Fun, insightful post!

  15. I don’t know if it’s a myth, but I remember as a young child thinking adults were infallible and always made the right decision. That’s why you trusted them as kids.

    • I bumped into my daughter’s school counselor this morning and she said she’d read the post (!! but thats a terrified ramble for another day).
      She then said JUST WHAT YOU DID! That reading it made her realize IF she can get the students to think she’s infallible and her life is simple, smooth and fun that was an accomplishment in and of itself. Something to celebrate.

  16. “As we Adult we may be gifted opportunities to do what we love. We still work hard every damn day to succeed.” YES! I really do believe that it’s important to find work that one loves (since we spend so many hours every day, week, month and year doing our jobs, after all), but it often takes just as much—if not sometimes more?—work to do that.

    Also: it makes me sad when I hear women say, “oh, I can’t work with other women. I prefer to work with men. They aren’t catty.” NOOOOOO. We need girl squads! We need to not give into the ridiculous social stereotypes that tell us that women “are difficult to work with.” I can’t believe how often I hear this type of statement being made IRL.

    Also also: #3 is one that chills me. The judgments. The assumptions. It’s horrible.

    Great post! These are such important topics.

    (Look at you, getting me all fired up before 7am ;))

  17. Oh to drive anywhere, anytime and stay out forever. That was my adulting dream! Glad I’m not alone in my distate for the “what to wear after 40” or ever, articles. Seriously stf up.

  18. I sat here nodding my head at every single one, especially girl squad. I have found, after starting my adult ingredients without one (shy, new town, new husband, etc.), that I need a girl tribe now more than I ever did, or thought I did, when I was young.

  19. LOVE THIS! My girl squad, and wine, are what keep me going on the really rough days. I know that I can confide in Gary, but sometimes I need another woman to really understand what I am saying and not try to fix the problem for me.

  21. I think I might have been born an adult! Actually, this is my first intro to the term “adulting” and I may have to use it one day soon! Umm. Is there a term for “childing”?

  22. LOVE this, Carla! And I want one of those “I can’t adult today” T-shirts. I need one at least once a week. Actually, I could probably use a whole wardrobe of these. Laughed at the duck analogy. 🙂

  23. This. “Adulting, I’ve learned, is being a duck (calm & cool on top of the water. flailing like maniac underneath) and demands a flock of friends around whom you can let it all hang out and get crazy *above* water.”

    So true! 🙂

  24. Snickering at above troll comment…now onto my own. So much yes to this post. Number five in particular. Where would I be without my girls?

    • Yeah it was funny wasn’t it…glad I brought a smile to your face on a MONDAY morning! W/out my “girls” I would probably go shirtless…

  26. This is great Carla. I love that you have cups and shirts! My Mother used to say’I want to run away’. Guess she needed a break from adulating and that was as close as she got to verbalizing it. Vacations some times are no-nadulting times for me.

  27. “Do what you love and you’ll probably end up hating it finding you love it just a tiny bit less. So keep that in mind.”
    Yup…there are a few things I love as hobbies that I have left as hobbies…and even though most days I do like my job, it sure makes it tough to like it all the time. As much as I’d like to open my own catering business I know it would be a LOT of sweat and tears and I’d rather do it occasionally for fun for friends and keep the joy of it. My Dad told me wisely once that if I was lucky I’d enjoy my job on some days and at least not hate it on the others and it’s true – A job is a job…and it doesn’t define who you are. It’s all the little things along the way that make things worth while. Even if it means being an adult. I am a manager where I work and I still giggle sometimes at the thought of that!

    And so much yes on the girl squad. When I went through treatment I was supported by so many wonderful women (including yours truly – and I can’t thank you enough for that) who stepped up without me even asking to support me and help me get through it and it really made me understand the strength in community. Going through something with people is so much better than trying to do it alone. 🙂

  28. I keep waiting for that moment when I feel like I’m really and truly an adult. Hasn’t really really come yet. I make video games, I go play outside every chance I get, I wear whatever the heck I feel like (within reason), and I don’t have kids (though I do have a large team at work and sometimes that feels like herding cats… but they don’t come home with me). Yeah, there are some days where the grind gets monotonous, but I just have to take a step back sometimes and smile.

    The whole duck thing is what surprised me the most about adulting. It’s all an act. We’re all faking it to some degree. It’s not necessarily about BEING an adult, but PERFORMING the act of adulting on cue when needed, maybe? 🙂

    Deep thought Mondays…

  29. Great post, and love the t-shirts. I refer to it a “girding my loins”… having to do something very adult. I like being an adult… I have never thought about buying all the candy. I did want to be Julie McCoy.

  31. My 13yo is *firmly* ensconced with how hard adulting can be and whined last night that she *ONLY* has five years until she graduates? I felt misled at the omission that being an adult wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. I vowed never to hide reality from my girls. Yes. I can eat cookies whenever I want but the consequences? Eh. Not worth it in the end when I have zero energy from the sugar crash and *still* have to adult. I proudly wear my shirts as well.

  35. I’ve always felt like King Arthur and youthened. I was born an adult, raised my mother (badly but she was hopeless) and her other children. Married and had my own immediate family, which extended adulthood. But they flew the nest in my late forties and I’ve never looked back. It’s all about perspective. But, I do love your post! Look forward to seeing you at BAM!
    b

  36. Wow, great post, yes I couldn’t agree more! I think #6 would be “Once you’re an adult, you can stop learning.” We think of having to learn as such as negative, onerous thing as kids, but any wise adult realizes that you have to keep educating yourself and learning throughout your life and each lesson is a gift.

    Its a sad irony that we are incapable of realizing the benefits of childhood when we are kids, but then again life is hard at every age.

  38. Oh my gosh I love it! I think I was born an adult too. I think number 6 for me would be not to pay bills, or clean…as a kid, those are the two things I miss the most!

  40. YES YES to Myth #4. I am doing what I love, but man, it OFTEN feels like “work”. Maybe I have a short burnout threshold. Some may argue that this career is not for me. I KNOW it is…at least for right now. But I ride the struggle bus, too!

  41. A huge YES to all of this! And I listen to my 13-yr go on and on about how things are going to be when he’s an adult – I just shake my head and so desperately want to tell him not to rush things, but I know how futile that would be!

  45. Great post and oh so true! It reminds me of a meme I’ve shared on Facebook, “Don’t grow up. It’s a trap.” I don’t know who the author is, but they definitely hit the nail on the head.

  46. You wrote something else about adulting recently which stayed with me and inspired the start of a blog post, so I must get back to that and retrace my thinking.

    I just thought I’d have my sh*t together as an adult and I’m far far from that. I’m in my late 40s and still feel like I’ve got a lot of growing up to do!

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