Have we failed our girls?

by

It’s stunning to me how rapidly my child has grown from this:

into this:

As a mother I’ve failed her in myriad ways.

Accidentally.

Ways which should have been within my control, yet were not.

Choices which seemed to be for the best and, in hindsight, may not have been.

Upon reflection, which I did last week, I can see my actions came from places of good intent.

This doesn’t mean scenarios didn’t go awry, but I meant well.

The determination was there even when results didn’t go as planned.

parenthood is admitting we’ve made mistakes.

Lately we’ve hit *all* the road bumps on the way to young adulthood.

We by virtue of the fact when she struggles; I struggle. None of us exist in a vacuum and most definitely not those who are 12.

These challenges, however, spark me to question the myriad ways society has potentially failed our daughters, too.

Literal and the metaphorical daughters.

Our girls.

We’ve sexualized them…

I typed this. I deleted it. I typed it again. I thought about it. I can’t find a way around the notion we’ve sexualized them even if our own specific girls aren’t exploring the sexy.

In movies and television and commercials and the clothing options we offer them—we keep sexualizing girls at younger ages.

We’ve failed them by sexualizing them at increasingly younger ages and we slut shame and dress code shame them around the fact they’re too sexual.

We demand perfection…

…when we preach the power of resilience and strive to gift ourselves permission to fail.

In school. In sports. In extracurriculars. In volunteering. In. All. The. Things.

Society clearly tells our daughters they should be perfect and extraordinary.

We grant our adult-selves the needed space to build confidence.

We adults acknowledge the important pattern of risk taking, struggling, failing and only then maybe achieving mastery.

Society expects our daughters to exemplify perfection at every opportunity or we express, whether implicit or explicit, our collective disappointment.

We don’t represent them…

This one is more me. More personal (around our condo). And more complicated than a snippet in a blog post can convey.

This is one I make a concerted effort with (seeking role models for my daughter who look like her because I do not) yet repeatedly witness how society does not.

Stereotyping of immigrants (in general. not just female.) in movies and television abounds.

If my girl sees Latina females in media she consumes these women are often portrayed as less complex than the other characters. I adore the fact she loves her curves, but cringe when the Latina women we see are conveyed as sensuality and sexuality sans intellect. Curvaceous seductresses.

I’ve focused on our girls because it’s what I know.

I have a daughter *and* I’m a woman who grew up with only sisters.

Female is the lens through which I see the world–even through I make an effort to imagine/envision what it would be like to amble about male/have a son.

So I toss it back to you.

  • Do you have a sense we’ve failed our daughters? Do you believe, as many do, society is improving?
  • Do you have thoughts around society and our sons? Help a Sister out and elaborate in the comments?

 

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Comments

  1. I have to *sigh* and say “yes…BUT” we have not completely failed them and society is making massive changes, WOMEN are making massive changes and are being heard more then ever before. They do not have to be completely failed (as we probably were in our generation!) and I also think as a mom of sons I have a huge responsibility in that. I take it very seriously that I’m in charge of the first shaping of how my boys think about and treat women. I jokingly say “I’m so glad I don’t have a daughter” but I have sons I need to teach how they treat YOURS and just because I have no biological daughters, I have nieces, friends daughters, community daughters and girlfriends who are all fiercely female!

  2. All the things you said.
    We also fail young girls (and young boys too) with the boxes of gender. The pressure of acting the role can cause so much frustration, anger and pain.

  4. We have come a long way and have miles to go but I would not say failure! Collectively as women for ourselves and our daughters we do need to be vigilant on buying, endorsing, watching, voting: movies, books, Television, clothes, sports, that diminish women and not support!

  5. I can only hope that by being raised by strong women, both your daughter and my sons will do just fine as adults. Sadly, and I see this all the time in my patients, social media undermines all the good that we try to do as parents. We had muchas problemas with my oldest son in high school, but I see that turning around. I hope that the seeds I planted throughout his childhood continue to grow. My youngest son is finding his way as a college freshman in a huge state school and giving him his wings was one of the hardest things I could have done. But wow. My heart is full.

    Just keep doing you, Carla. She’s going to stumble, but in the end, it’s going to turn out well.

  6. I think the problem is that we as mothers want to think we can, at the moment out daughter comes into our lives, instantly and completely eliminate 2000+ years patriarchy and misogyny, with primarily the social examples created in a society that values “female” less than “male”.

    The best we can do is to constantly be aware of our own culturally trained biases, to relate to our girls that such biases exist and that they should be challenged, and to demonstrate challenging those elements of society that devalue women and girls.

    Failure comes with defeat… and we aren’t defeated. And failure also is tied to shame/guilt, and that’s been an emotional condition well trained into women in our society… one that keeps us from moving forward.

    We also live in a society where we are just developing the social tools and awareness to deal with the issue. We can’t build a space shuttle with stone knives. But we can conceptualize what such a thing would be, participate in developing the knowledge and tools needed, and actively involve others in the project.

    Some day, I would hope, we will, as a global society, be free of all our racial and gender biases. At the same time, to count our steps toward that day…. and steps that have not YET reached the goal line… as failures, we only reinforce our feminine shame and presumed powerlessness.

  7. For sure….and yet your constant discussions around what is will surely change what’s possible for her and the many who grow up behind her. You shine at light directly at these issues and your words give us (and I assure you, her) PAUSE….and there is great power in the pause–it matters.

  8. Yes, we’ve failed them as a society. However, I DO see progress, even at a snail’s pace. She may not yet see Latina laboratory scientists and brains surgeons in pop media, but at least she’s seeing Latinas, and they are not all lab specimens on CSI. Unlike when I was a girl, it is now both illegal and considered socially deplorable for men to beat or rape their wives.

    We must keep pushing to do better, and require the men in our lives to do so as well.

  9. Thank you for not skipping over the sexualizing of younger and younger girls. They don’t deserve that, it makes them believe the old stereotypes of how to assess the value of a woman.

    It only changes when enough people stand up and vote with their dollars, with what they watch on TV, and with how they speak up.

  10. We live in a patriarchal construct and in that sense, all women and girls are failed. However, we choose what messages we send our daughters in our actions, words, and beliefs. We can speak up and speak out and show them a different paradigm. Then we can support them in doing the same in their lives. That is how we create a shift.

  11. This really resonated with me. I care so much about being the best mother I can be, but I’ve definitely failed my kids in ways you describe. And especially my younger daughter who is different from me. Without even thinking about it, I was fitting her into my own gender and sexuality norms. The fact is it is all on-the-job training, so we’re bound to make mistakes, but hopefully can learn from them. A great post, Carla!

  12. I feel like I failed my son and my daughter in many ways but then I look at them – strong, healthy, happy and well educated and I stop giving myself such a hard time. They are far more savvy than we know and my now 20 yr old daughter is a globe trotting feminist, empowered up to her eyeballs, creating change and knowing that I am right behind her. All kids really need is love and to know we’re always there for them whatever happens.

  13. I have four daughters, all adults. I think it HAS to go without saying that we will fail miserably as parents, but I also think that is part of the perfection complex you address later. OF COURSE we can only act on our best information and intention at the time. We cannot know the future.

    If we do not, as parents, allow ourselves the grace to understand that, we do an ADDITIONAL disservice to our children, who will feel they have to be perfect parents. When they CANNOT be.

  14. I wouldn’t use the word “failed”. We were socialized into the world we grew up with, and came to believe certain things. We are courageously fighting against that brainwashing but those beliefs run deep, and the subconscious can lead us to teaching our daughters lessons we really don’t intend to teach. I, personally, only have a grown son – no daughters. I did my best to instill in him the concepts of respect toward women. I hope I have succeeded. I have never heard otherwise.

  17. >In movies and television and commercials and the clothing options we offer them—we keep sexualizing girls at younger ages.

    I hate this most of all, because it’s so out of our control. Even if we keep our daughters away from things like this, don’t dress them in “sexual” ways, etc. they still see their friends at school being dressed that way, or they’ll see it on television or in the movies. It’s inescapable.

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