I owe nothing to other mothers.

by

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For me it was shaving my legs.

I can’t remember how old I was, but I do remember pulling on my overall shorts (hello ’70s), looking down and thinking.

It’s time.

Ever impatient, I decided it was quite literally “time,” grabbed scissors (?) and attempted to trim off my leg hair.

When this didn’t provide the results I sought, I found my mom, I informed her it was time and she helped me shave them.

We did it together.

Hoke oneone

(time saver: I now do only the art-free leg)

Shaving has been a conversation among mom-friends for years.

How should we respond when they ask? How can we dissuade them from starting young?

This conversation I was prepared for.

A few weeks ago, the Child approached me as I dressed and she announced she was ready for a bra.

I was taken aback and assumed she wanted to be (as she still phrases it) just like Big Mama.

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(Big Mama in pre-Mama days)

You mean you want to play with one of my bras? I asked.

She shook her head vigorously. No, I feel like I need a bra when I have my shirts on.

I paused, shook my own head to clear it of the image I’d been clinging to of her around age four, and saw she had a point.

Lets grab one of those camisole-things you have and see how that looks, I suggested.

Again she shook her head.

I feel like I need a kind of a bra.

In that moment I knew, whether I thought she needed it or not, it was time.

I do a lot of work around girls and body confidence.

I’d promised myself I’d do whatever it took to help her remain steadfast in her self-esteem.

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Unapologetically HER.

If this commitment meant purchasing a bra before *I* was ready—so be it.

We arrived at Target and she steered me toward the sports bra section.

This kind of thing, she clarified.

We examined.  We browsed.  We giggled more than a little.  And, as we did, we bumped into another mother/daughter duo from school.

It quickly became apparent the girl wanted to buy a bra and her mother had told her no.

It also quickly became apparent the Child and I were on a bra-buying excursion.

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(we looked like this…only BRA’ier)

We said hello.  We continued to browse.  After a few moments the mother pulled me aside and whispered:

You know, you really owe it to other mothers not to buy her a bra yet.

Owe it to other mothers.

This phrase made my brow furrow and yet, in some arenas, I agreeded with her.

I do think I owe it to other mothers not to let my child wear make-up to school when she’s inappropriately young.

I do owe it to other mothers to not invite their kids over and serve them alcohol when they’re underage.

I own nothing to other mothers when it comes to ensuring my child feels comfortable in her own skin.

Actually I don’t owe other mothers anything. This one is between me & my girl.

I did offer the other mother a way to explain to her daughter *why* I was willing to purchase mine a bra, but for the most part I left it at the above.

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(the good ole ShePutMyBraOnTheDoodle days)

I believe in the village. 

I lean on my village. 

Sometimes this villager needs to say: screw the rest of the village.

We, as moms, must do what fits with our parenting style or mama-mission statement.

We, as moms, must buck adult peer pressure and always do what is a fit for our family.

I don’t think we owe other mothers a thing.

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worn only once. and that’s OK, too.

And you?

If you have a child…if you know a child…what do you think?

  • What do we “owe” other parents when making choices about how to parent our children?

 

Carla note: We’ve talked about whether or not we should blog about our children.  I asked the Child if I might share this story before I wrote it, read to her after writing, and she OK’d this post.

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Comments

  2. I’m saving this post, Carla.
    I love my village and I think, too often, go along with what they say and do.

  4. I will start by saying I have boys, however, I seriously can’t believe another mom said that to you? MYOB! She owes YOU and apology. That is all.

  5. I am dreading all of this stuff with my daughter.
    (She is 6)
    Bras, leg hair trimming LOL.
    Too much.

  6. I don’t take “criticism” from other parents well. I am not sure my response would have been as nice as yours…but I totally agree, you owe other mothers nothing when it comes to your own child’s sense of self confidence.

  7. Whew. Three cheers for three boys! There are some things that, as a Dad of boys, are completely off if my radar. I am not surprised by what you said to the lady, but was kind of surprised that she said anything at all to you.
    If she blogs, I wonder what her take on the sitch was. hahah….
    Kudos to you, Carla. #parentingWIN

  8. I’m with you on this one. You owe other moms nothing. I’d have been stunned into silence for a sec with that one. Geez.

  9. Wow. I can’t believe the other mother even said that to you. Don’t get me started on the alcohol thing. We can talk about that in a few years. …

  10. You are way nicer than I would have been. And seriously, why was she telling her daughter no? It’s not like her daughter was asking to wear a bustier and walk down the street in it.

    But I’m a mom to boys and I’m a “yes” mom when it comes to clothes so that when I say no there’s a valid reason. (Yes, my kid is the one who wore his clothes backwards through most of 1st grade and now wears nothing but soccer jerseys. Whatever.)

  11. WTF? You owe it to other mothers not to buy your daughter a bra? That woman has problems! My mom gave me my first bra as a gift on chanukah in front of my entire family and I was mortified. Your method was waaaay better! 😉

  13. I really can’t imagine another mom saying that to me in target! You acted fast and really said the right thing. I agree that it’s no one elses business. Some of my daughter’s friends have sports bras and she doesn’t but she also recognizes not everyone feels the need for one at the same time. True, there are SOME things, safety related that we owe to other moms, but this is not one of them!

  14. I wish my mom had been as open as you were. Somehow I felt shamed by saying that I wanted a bra and after that point it made it hard to talk to my mom about things. When I asked for tampons when all she used was pads she gave me a response that made me feel like I was gross (even though she bought them for me). I am anxious about those times when I have my own kids bc I want to make sure I respond in a healthy way like you did and not the way I was brought up. Still have a little ways for that though 😉

    Thanks for this post!

  16. I think I would have laughed when the other mom said that. Really? You owe it? What’s best for you and your girl is all that matters. Seriously? I’m remembering this for the years ahead of me. I’m sure there’s plenty instances like this coming my way.

  17. This post wasn’t want I expected when I read the title. I love it when that happens. 😉
    1. That mother was out of line.
    2. I hope I’m as brave as you when Kid1 asks for a bra. She’ll ask for one LONG before she actually needs one, and I hope I can handle it with grace rather than throwing myself on the floor screaming, “NO BABY! DON’T GROW UP!!!!” like I’ll want to.
    3. There are things that I don’t feel are appropriate for MY kids that other moms have no problem with…certain brands of clothing, TV shows…I don’t feel that other moms owe it to me to not let their kids wear, do or watch something because I don’t like it. I just have to be diligent in communicating with my kids WHY I don’t feel these things are appropriate for them. Usually, it’s a non-issue.

    • Oh I agree with you. There have been so many things – – dress, television, movies – – where it’s just not appropriate for my child. I’ve clarified to other mothers she’s not allowed to do that, but it’s only because of the child seat is 🙂 and I really don’t think there’s anything wrong with any other child doing XYZ.
      For example for the longest time she was so in love with the idea of love 🙂 I blocked every Disney Nickelodeon channel.

  20. I can’t believe she said that. I know your post is about way more than that – I do – and I love it – but what the heck? I cannot believe she said that.

    As for the rest of your post, I love how you approached this together with your daughter and you’re being the kind of mom I hope I am, as well. Being comfortable in my own body and skin is a rough one sometimes, and so I am trying doubly hard to ensure that my child is always comfortable in hers. As best I can from a mom’s perspective.

    Thanks for this. I love it so much I’m sharing it on my personal FB page. And that’s huge. 😉 [I tease, but I just wanted to say I think all the moms need to read this! ALL of ’em!]

  21. You were FAR more polite to that Mom than I would have been.

    I also distinctly remember the day I snuck one of Mom’s disposable razors into the bathroom and shaved my legs in 4th grade while my BFF was watching in disbelief.

  22. I love this post. I love you.
    Way to support her and show her you love her and her ability to make choices about her own body. The message you sent your daughter is one of empowerment! LOVE LOVE LOVE.

    I really love her pose in that Unapologetically myself t-shirt…..
    You’re selling those, right? 🙂

  24. I suspect that other mama didn’t know how to trust herself fully.

    I, too, remember the day I realized I wanted to shave my legs. I think I was 10 or 11? My mother’s advice was to shave only from the ankles to the knees and never the thighs as this would make the hair on my thighs prickly and it would be a pain in the neck to keep up with. I’m now 52 and have never shaved above my knees…and am supremely grateful to my mother for this bit of advice!

    Anyhoo…I am with you. There’s not much a mother owes other mothers other than the obvious ones you pointed out. It sure would be interesting if we all decided to stay in our own lanes…

  25. I think this made my head explode a little.

    I’m struggling to get past the “how dare she?!” and think about this rationally. Obviously, my instinctive reaction is yep, you owe other mothers NOTHING.

    I’m caught up in what we DO owe other mothers: courtesy. Respect. The basic acknowledgment that every child is different, every mother is different, and no one has the right to say that choices like these must be made in tandem.

    I bought my older daughter a bra when I could tell that she needed one, which was about age 7. I bought my younger daughter a bra when she felt like she needed one, which was about age 12. (She looked fine without it but did not FEEL fine, and that’s just as important.) Both were equally valid. I can’t imagine telling another mother her timing was wrong or that her choice should be based on my comfort level…

    • and it’s so hard too. would I rather she didnt need anything or feel she needed a bra till she was 40? :-)SURE! I just want to do all I can to help her feel comfy in her own skinsuit—pretty much no matter what that takes.

  26. This might be a cultural thing. I recently moved to Austin, like the rest of the world, and am finding that other parents are much more in my business than they were on the East Coast. There seems to be an unspoken agreement that we are all raising our kids the same way and all make the same decisions, so I can understand how that mother might have felt brought up short. That being said, however, if a kid is old enough to ask for a bra she is obviously old enough to wear a bra. Underwear is such a personal and individual thing that I can’t believe another mother would question your decision.

  27. I am floored she said that. Completely gobsmacked. Wow.

    I do think we owe the other villagers some things. I owe the moms of my village a hand when they need it, support that they are doing a good job, a safe place to say their kids are assholes, kindness and non-judgment, some cheerleading, tequila on days it all goes wrong. But I don’t owe other moms anything that would cost my child self esteem or an explanation about parenting choices I make.

  28. Thank you for the Carla note at the end. My only concern in reading this is for your little and how you raise and represent her.

    • I emailed you but also wanted to share here. I read the post to her after she said it was ok to write, but more than that I MADE SURE SHE UNDERSTOOD WHAT I WAS SHARING. How much I was sharing. At first she was very blase (why would I care? I wore my sports bra to school already!) but I reread and we talked more and she shared in her nine year old way that she thinks other girls feel the same sometimes about wishing for a bra but they are afraid to ask their moms. Maybe sharing this would help them and their moms. BUT I COMPLETELY GET WHAT YOU ARE SAYING KIA and agree so much about being cautious about what we share. This whole thing happened weeks ago. I wrote, we talked, I waited, I asked her again to see if she changed her mind and only then did I share. <3

  29. why do folks continue to feel that they can deposit their own insecurities on others? I will just say this. I had a bra in the 3rd grade. Funny enough all the other girls in my class were jealous and I was bullied for it. But I felt so much more comfortable with it than without it.

  30. Oh no no no NO! Good for you for finding your tongue and being gracious in that moment. I would have been to shocked to say anything, I think! I can’t believe she had the audacity to say that to you. I’m just…stunned. Wow.

    This other mother must be under a lot pressure (of the peer sort) to adhere to the standards set by her other mom-friends. I don’t have a lot of other mom-friends so it would never even occur to me to check and see what the other moms are doing with their kids. I might ask MY mom what she would do (just as reference)…but I can’t imagine calling a friend and saying “I think my girl needs a bra – what do you think?” And I certainly wouldn’t tell another mom that she OWES IT TO US TO ABIDE BY THE STEPFORD CODE. Sheesh!

    Like you said, it’s between you and your girl and that’s all it ever should be.

  31. I cannot believe the nerve of that woman! That is something that is very personal between a mom and a daughter. I hope you told her to mind her own business!

  33. I am kind of shocked that the other mother would say that to you.

    I am proud of your decision to do this. A lot of my feeling about my body changed during this “phase” of childhood. I think it is so important to let her own her body. I learn so much from you Mama

  34. Really? You owe it to other mothers? Give me a break. You handled that much better than I would have.

    And I love the choice and color of bra that Tornado picked out.

  35. First, thank you for adding that you talked to your child about your post. I appreciate your respect of her personhood.

    That respect is really what your post is all about. Good for you for respecting what Child needed, really needed. Good for you for respecting the other mother in your response.

    Anyways, it’s not like encouraged sexualizing Child by purchasing padded bra. What the two of you decided to buy was little more than a came-brief.

    As for me, I resisted wearing a bra until my sister told me I had to because my nipples and areola showed. (I did really need one.) I hated it.

  37. It was weird with the girl stuff like that, my mom also really wanted to delay stuff like shaving legs, eyebrow plucking, etc. It got to the point where I was getting teased by other kids because my legs were hairy and my eyebrows were bushy, so I took it upon myself to do it. Kids are going to do what they’re going to do, I’m glad you supported it. And you owe NOTHING to another mother, I agree.

    I was into makeup at an early age but I can’t remember being allowed to wear it to school until I was at least 10-11, but I’m CERTAIN that my middle school routine had makeup and hair spray involved because I thought it was fun.

  38. OWE NOTHING!!! I owe it to my daughter to raise her to be the best version of herself…to be herself…to love herself…and to be there on those days when she may not (picture me curled up in a ball on those days)! Good for you!!! PS….not looking forward to those bra days!!

  39. Seriously?! Who is this woman that comes up to you and pushes her views on a complete stranger? I am pretty sure it’s just between YOU and your DAUGHTER. Good for her speaking up and telling you she’s ready for a bra. I was so embarrassed at her age, I didn’t say a thing! Just tried to hide my body!

  40. As you noted, we owe them not to let our kids be the “bad influence” in the major things that can hurt or kill them. Beyond that, we are responsible to our children to make sure they become mature, responsible, competent, caring, loving, generous people.

  41. You owe it to other PEOPLE to raise your kids to be decent, patient human beings. You owe nothing whatsoever to other mothers specifically. That’s just some junior-high-girls-lunch-table guilt garbage. We owe it to the world at large to raise decent human beings.

  42. I LOVE this post, Carla!! You keep doing YOU, and who cares what other mom’s are doing?? You know what’s right for your family. She’s adorable, by the way 🙂

  43. Ooh that gets under my skin that she would say you OWE it to other mothers! What you do with your daughter has NOTHING to do with how she chooses to parent.

    And I think it is awesome that you’re encouraging your daughter to feel comfortable in her skin! (And I also love that she approved this post before it was published :))

  44. Good for you! You don’t owe that woman or anyone else anything, she was totally out of line. I went through EXACTLY the same scenario with my soon-to-be-9-year-old, and although, like you I wasn’t ready for it, she clearly was. So we bought them and she wears them. Sometimes.

  45. I totally agree. Every one of us has our own parenting style and our kids have their own time tables and agendas. I always knew I would be the mom that would let my girls shave, use a tampon, wax, etc. when they were ready, whether I was ready or not. I let my girls walk home from our elementary school when they were in 4th grade. We live 10 minutes from the school, there is a crossing guard and other kids and parents that regularly walk the route. My girls wanted to exercise their independence and walk home alone. I got a couple calls from moms that said they heard I was letting my daughter walk home from school, but they weren’t ready to do it. I said fine. I was ready. Like you, I LOVE my village, but sometimes you have to defy the village and do what is right for your family.

  46. Hell no we don’t owe anyone anything!!! All kids are different and, like I always tell my boys, I’m not anyone else’s mom so I’m not concerned with when or what other kids are doing! And, I certainly don’t care what other moms are doing in most cases – I hate the comparison thing that so many moms think is necessary. (sorry – small soap box)

  48. Carla-
    Bravo- (Entering the safe bubble: FUCKING BRAVO!!!!)
    YOU know your child. YOU Parent YOUR child. YOU DO what’s best for YOUR family.
    You owe NOTHING to other parents – unless it’s something that helps keep kids, in general, safe.
    You are quite simply, right. And I really like that you asked your girl first, before posting. I do that, too.

  49. Oh, Carla. I love this post, SO much. For me, the issue has always been technology and phones. Other parents let their kids have it much earlier than I am willing to let my kids have it. And I have stuck to my guns, held my line, etc. , b/c I believe it is what’s best for my kids. It is not easy at all and I know other parents raise their eyebrows at me, but I don’t care.

  50. Love this, I can’t believe that mom said that to you! Actually, I can but ug! If she can’t explain why some kids get some things and others don’t than that’s her issue.

  51. what a strange comment from that mom, haha, but then again, bra buying can be a rather difficult and sensitive rite of passage (i cried when my mom bought me my first bra, haha, and not tears of joy lolll). way to be unapologetically yourself. 🙂

  52. Wow. That took a lot of nerve from that other mother. It reminds me of the time some woman yelled at me in a store for the way Emma was dressed.

    I love how you handle yourself and how you handle your relationship with your daughter. I strive to be that open for what SHE sees as necessary.

  53. Woah! I cannot even imagine that this mother thought that decisions about your daughter’s body belonged to anyone else!! Good for you for sticking up for her. Knowing my mom stood by me was a huge source of confidence as a kid, so even if she didn’t overhear this particular conversation, knowing she’s got a mom who will stand by her and respect her autonomy–well she’s one lucky kid!

  55. Great post. The modern world of raising kids is tricky, and sometimes I think more so for raising girls. I am a little shocked that the other parent pulled you aside over a bra, but not shocked at the same time with how frequent it seems parents are willing to give unsolicited advice about parenting. I’m on your side. There is nothing detrimental about your child wearing a bra before the other girls (and who really cares if they all wear bras? It’s not a revealing mini-skirt.)

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