Are you HAM or are you EGGS?

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I rock at saying no and have for a long, long time.

For such a long while I can barely remember when I struggled to put myself first and say the word.

I was fortunate to realize early in life a misplaced yes didn’t benefit anyone.

It was a disservice to the other person(s) and it smeared my margins.

The latter, the margin blurring, always resulted in a grumpy, resentful Carla.

No one enjoys Grumpy Carla.

Speaking of Grumpy Carla No One Likes, with a dearth of stuffs to watch at the end of summer I grew cantankerous.

My fave (non) guilty pleasure is ending my day by snagging snacks, plopping on couch and watching DVR’d/streaming shows.

I’d run out. I’d watched everything.

Enter Grey’s Anatomy.

A show I’d watched (and abandoned) years ago and one with which a friend was newly enamored.

Enter Carla marathon’ing Grey’s.

Enter season 3.

Enter ham versus eggs metaphor.

Enter Carla unable to resist beating said commitment-metaphor to death.

eggs in a ham basket

we like our ham and eggs equally…in a basket.

As many of us eat we all know pigs and chickens are used both for food.

A pig sacrifices entirely when it offers up ham; the pig is wholly committed.

A chicken, however, merely plops egg-on-plate; the chicken is involved not 100% to the death end committed.

Hence the question (in episode and now in domicile):

Are you committed or just involved? Are you ham or eggs?

For me hearing this metaphor on the show was an ah ha! moment of sorts.

It had already occurred to me I might be a tad too good at saying NO! and drawing boundaries of self-care. I’d considered the fact, in my haste, I might potentially miss out on something I’d enjoy.

I’d also begun to wonder if, in the name of placing ourselves first, I hadn’t accidentally modeled for the child all opportunities are black or white.

A full yes or a full-stop no.

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I believe it was Brene Brown who taught a tribe of women the idea of If it isn’t a hell YES then it’s a hell NO!

This line never resonated with me yet I’d presumed the reason was a simple as I was already a prolific NO proffer’er.

Hearing the metaphor of Are you ham or are you eggs? made me realize my NO’ability was not the reason Brown’s approach didn’t fit.

When I sit with an opportunity, thoroughly examine options/outcomes before me, the conclusion to which I arrive is frequently more nuanced than Brown intimates.

For me, unlike Brown’s teachings, my answer is often not a hell yes!! but a heck yeah.

A soft yes.

I want to be the eggs. I choose to be the eggs.

An I’m definitely interested, yet would prefer to be a participant/follower in this experience not a leader/organizer.

An I like you. I’m not all in, but that could happen over time. I’m involved. I’m not to commitment yet.

sunny side up eggs

Since watching the episode I’ve harnessed the power of the metaphor as a barometer for choices in my life.

It’s provided needed gradation/space where decisions and relationships are not Brene black or white.

It’s afforded me opportunity to live in the shades of grey (pun intended) where it’s a conscious choice between commitment or involvement.

And, as with all newly acquired life-tools, I’ve taught it to the Child.

Ham or eggs? has slid into our shared language as a way for her to gauge her interest in something/someone in a novel (and secret communication) way.

Are you ALL IN like the pig? Or just a bit involved like the chicken?

At age 10 the concrete nature of the metaphor (and her love of eggs?) helps her make decisions more intuitively.

At 47 I’ve gained needed perspective into the fact my abundant NO NO NO! could be cutting me off from opportunities to “be the eggs” even if I’m a hell NO! for the ham.

And you?

  • Have you heard the metaphor before? Has it aided you in making life-decisions?
  • Are you a Brene Brown believer in If it’s not a HELL YES then it’s a HELL NO!

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Comments

  1. Though I used to watch Grey’s a lot I haven’t watched it in years and did miss this metaphor but I love it, and I so ‘get it.’ Especially now that I am raising chickens and my brother is raising pigs…too funny!

    I don’t think ALL of life can be HELL YES…I think we need those heck yeah kind of moments too…nothing is totally black and white but the more we can be confident in our decisions and go ‘all in’ like the pig the better our mental confidence!

  2. I think as I get older I can see the potential in situations where I did not notice it before. Throughout my 20s everything was black and white, but now I can see the new wants as you say. And I can differentiate between Hell yes and hell no and involved.

  3. I love this so much because over the years I have gone from ham to eggs. I used to want to be committed to all the things but, we know how that plays out. Now? I’m mostly a soft yes with a huge (hidden) commitment. It works for me!

    PS – I have never watched Grey’s.

  6. I love the ham and egg analogy. I’ve never heard it before. I’m neither ham or egg, it all depends on the situation! I can be one or the other.

    I never was a Grey’s fan however.

  8. I had never heard the ham and egg analogy before. In most things I would be eggs not ham.
    I have never watched Greys Anatomy before. Will look forward to hearing your review of the show.

  9. This makes great sense — i love being involved in the nursery at church on some Sundays, that doesn’t mean i want to run the whole nursery program, for example. Knowing our limits can mean being willing to do something, even if we can’t (and don’t want to) do everything.

  10. Just say no is easier said than done. I don’t have a problem saying no but in my work, no isn’t always accepted. I think that’s part of my anxiety right now. I’m overwhelmed, I say no, I want to be the ham, but my no is falling on deaf ears.

    I don’t want to be eggs.

  11. Having read the Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes, it doesn’t surprise me at all that she (or a writer under her supervision) created the ham or eggs analogy. And your supporting artwork is on point!

  12. I’ve never heard that analogy before, but I like it. I’m definitely “eggs” in a lot of situations now. I have so many different things pulling on me that I have to stay eggs to not have to say a lot of no. (And I still say no a lot.) Right now, I’m not ham on much of anything, but I’m sure that will change.

  13. First, in the overarching life-work sense, I’m ham e.g. raising children, writing career. In the many areas where I’m constantly weighing opportunity cost, I’m definitely eggs. I don’t love that – trying to be equally present in too many places – but I’m getting much better at saying:

    No, that one’s gonna cost me more than it’s gonna benefit you.

    Second, I know what I’m having for both breakfast and dinner today.

  17. I’m not a huge fan of ham NOR eggs, but I totally get this. For me, ham is work, ham is triathlon, ham is family. Pretty much everything else is eggs right now.

  18. I hadn’t heard it before (I thought it was going to be a Dr Seuss type analogy!) but I totally get what you’re saying – I think I’m finding that life has a lot of greys now days – it doesn’t have to be black or white and we can sit back and test the waters before we commit either way.

  19. Never heard it & I have never watched that show so.. but definitely an interesting concept.

    I am more eggs… I kind of like to keep options open & things are not B&W to me most of the time. I think too many see it that way which cause more issues in general but that is just me. 🙂

  20. Great metaphor. Certainly gives me something to think about. I’ve been eggs sometimes when I should have been ham and I’ve tried to be ham when I did not need to be ham or eggs in a situation. One of the great things about getting older is that through a lot of ham and egg trial and error I am arriving at a spot where it is easier to discern what my involvement should be and how much of myself I should throw into it.

  22. The teenager binge watches Grey’s here now but I’ve not heard this. I’m definitely an eggs kind of girl. I like to pick my spots.

  23. I’m still watching Grey’s. I’ve heard the metaphor in terms of dieting, but it works well for other things we may choose to participate in. I love that it’s part of your secret language!

  24. Never have I ever heard this saying before – however… I would like to be EGGS because HAM is just disgusting to me! HA! That being said, I am always committed and always involved in things I love doing or want to do!

  25. Great post. The answer depends on the topic. Ham sometimes, eggs sometimes.
    I am good about saying no, but try to stay on the look out for experiences and opportunities that will push my boundaries and get me out of my comfort zone. Times when I feel I should say no, but say an egg yes. And never regret it.

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