You do not offend me.

by

Once upon a time a friend invited The Child and me to a concert with her family.

I immediately said yes and set a reminder in my calendar for the following weekend.

The next morning I received a text from my friend:

There’s been a change. I need to make the concert family only. I hope I don’t offend you.

Her text perplexed me.

My first thought? I hope everything is OK!

My second thought? I’ll tell The Child and we’ll make new plans!

Nowhere in my thoughts? Any sense of feeling offended.

I immediately called my friend and shared both my first reaction (all was generally OK) and my realization with her.

It’s virtually impossible to offend me. I told her. I wonder why? Would anyone really be offended by a change in plans?

People are funny, my friend responded. But more than that you’re not offended because you’re you.

Action/reaction is based on life experience.

When I was younger this idea made little sense to me. How could someone’s reaction to a specific and current interaction be based on a past experience?  As I grew older I began to grasp how complicated we humans are. We are practically incapable of entering situations without toting along with us all the past experiences/interactions we’ve had. We humans do not exist in a vacuum. Sometimes we (the royal) are aware of other people’s life experiences. More often, and most especially when we don’t understand ‘reactions,’ we are not. It’s pretty impossible to offend me because I know reactions/actions are triggered by something much *deeper* than a brief moment in time.

What’s happening often has little to do with me.

I cannot recall a time I didn’t feel this way and it’s something I discuss frequently with friends who self-identify as ‘fragile.’ Whether a person’s reaction to me/our situation is fantastically positive or alarmingly negative I recognize the scenario is far more complicated than the specific interaction. The interaction is both our (subconscious) recollections of the first time we encountered a dynamic like the one we’re currently experiencing. The moment is filtered through that lens first and only after is it experienced/felt.

Not to living on the defensive or from a place of not ‘getting’ or having enough as helped me tremendously in appropriating this mindset. I instinctively approach life from a place of assuming benevolent intent. I intuitively sift through words which could have otherwise offended to the kernel of truth or the idea beneath.

The interaction isn’t about me at all. I’m merely representative of all the various people with whom the other individual has interacted. Living with this perspective facilitated my realization of, if I weren’t present for the interaction/moment, the scenario would unfold precisely the same with another person in my place.

I remain who I am regardless of reactions to me.

I’m detached to other people’s reactions in the same way I strive to be detached from outcomes. This doesn’t mean I don’t care what others think or I’m not invested emotionally in the person with whom I’m interacting. It means I’ve come to realize all that happens around me is merely information. Whether the data I receive is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ will be determined by how I choose to process it. Self-acceptance for me meant I was no longer internally fragile. Maturing to this place facilitates my rarely experiencing feeling offended because my validation no longer comes from others.

I am who I am regardless how others perceive me or interact with me. I am content. 

And you?

  • Would you have been offended by my friend’s text?
  • What advice would you offer someone who struggles with feeling easily offended?

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Comments

  1. Oh. It is a running family joke how easily I get my feelings hurt. It seems you wrote this just for me.

  2. Someone i know would have spent hours or maybe even days wondering if s/he had somehow offended the friend to get uninvited. My reaction would have been to be a bit sad that it didn’t work out, but i wouldn’t believe i was the cause because plans change sometimes.

    It has taken me a long time to realize that it’s not about me, it’s about that person and what s/he is going through.

  3. I love this post, and I’m going to print it and put in somewhere I can see it every day! Years ago I used to be like you, but spending 10 years at a job where co-workers are snarky and backstabbing, and the last year with a new boss who does her best to make me feel like a complete zero, I’ve sadly become one of those fragile people you describe, with severely diminished self-confidence. I need to get back to saying, and meaning, “You do not offend me.”

  4. I wouldn’t have been offended by your friend’s text but I will admit to having a much poorer sense of self esteem and of who I am than you do. You always seem so centred and confident – which is why I admire you so much x

  7. What an interesting topic. I’ve worked (successfully for the most part) to act on the same positive assumptions to keep me from reacting too sensitively. I love that about aging.

    It’s a nice point to reach when you realize most things that call for a response present you with a choice, not necessarily a problem.

    You really are an inspiration.

  8. I love this and feel exactly the way you do Carla. I do recognize that what’s happening with the other person often has little to do with me. So I don’t take things personal thus I don’t get offended!

  9. Great post Carla. I do not have the patience with the fragile. I don’t think I am alone. Know there are brusk people out there to everyone is what I would try to gently convey. If someone who is fragile, is thrown into my life, I would try to get along. I won’t be friends because sooner or later I will say something that may hurt their feelings. I am not a fan of the walking on egg shells. As far as being offended, I wouldn’t either. Plans change. However if someone changes plans every time, I would stop putting stock into any plans coming to fruition and be a bit annoyed.

  10. Hi Carla! I’m a lot like Haralee in this regard. I would not have been offended by your friend’s un-invitation any more than you were–but if it had come down to the day before and I’d made a lot of other unbreakable plans to correspond with the concert–I would have been very annoyed. I do not consider myself fragile and have somewhat limited tolerance for those who are. If others encounter challenges I’m all for helping once or even twice, but if I can’t see any willingness for people to move forward then I definitely draw away. Fortunately as I age I am getting better and better at not taking things personally. And the more I do that the more freedom it gives me just to be myself. ~Kathy

  11. I agree with you on the specific event described which would not have offended me.. I would have figured just a family thing…

    In life I try to to be offended but like me, always a work in progress, I still fight old demons.. I am better but I am just a work always trying….

    I do try to see the other side though… I think it all depends on what the situation is… but eventually I try to not let it bother me.

  13. I’m glad you don’t get easily offended. But what to do about those folks who do? Seriously, there are some people that you just look at them and they read so much into it. I don’t have time for that nonsense.

  14. You have beautifully embraced that one of the four agreements–the one about not taking anything personally. I’m getting there–you set a wonderful example. But I think it’s true–the older you get, the more you realize that others’ actions rarely have anything at all to do with you. And it sure makes life a lot easier and less drama-filled when you take that to heart–and don’t take offense. Great post, Carla.

  15. I love this. This interaction would probably have left me thinking, “awww, that sucks, I was looking forward to it” but I think it would take repeat stuff like this to make me think they didn’t want to be around me. And to be honest, sometimes I don’t want to be around some people too. I get it. ?

  16. Thank you for sharing this, Carla. I forgot that this is something I’m supposed to do in my life: recognize the initial lens my response is through, then look at it logically. I haven’t even thought about that in ages and it’s a really big thing for me, especially as I re-enter the work force.

  17. I really enjoyed this post, Carla.
    I’m not easily offended, I don’t think.
    The history of what has occurred between me and the person with whom I’m interacting has a lot to do with whether or not I assign benevolent or malevolent motives to our interaction. I nearly always assume the best. Unless you’ve given me reason to doubt you, on a personal level.

  18. Love! For me, it’s all about allowing someone the space to be who they are at this moment free of judgment and free of my opinion of what I would do in that same scenario. I’m similarly unoffended for the most part and if I am, I look within myself not the other person. I should add that sometimes, because of where I am at this time in my life, that means distancing myself from people who feel that it’s okay to hurt and overstep boundaries. As always, I love your insight! xo

  20. I might have been disappointed, if it had been something I was excited to attend and/or my kid had been excited for, but I wouldn’t have been offended. But I agree, it’s an individual response when it comes to offense.

  21. I would have had the same reaction as you. I don’t get offended easily and have learned to adopt the this-doesn’t-have-anything-to-do-with-me mentality for most situations. Thank you for sharing your insights!

  22. This is how I feel, most of the time:

    “I instinctively approach life from a place of assuming benevolent intent.”

    It works so well when I realize that shit happens, and that it isn’t happening TO me or AT me.

    I don’t read blogs much any more, but I’m really glad I popped over for that one sentence. =)

  24. I can definitely relate to you with this! I feel like it’s pretty difficult to offend me as well (unless someone’s being disrespectful to someone I care about). My first thought would’ve been “I hope everyone’s okay” too, if I’d been in your situation!

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